To hate my own face, to the point where I want to hide indoors

[CutiePatooties]

I feel like I don’t want to go outside any more.

I have frown lines on my forehead, deep laughter lines, a large nose, a massive forehead, lots of chins (double on double) blackheads, large open pores, I’m obese, my teeth are yellowing, big fat cheeks, one of my fillings are showing through my tooth at the side so the tooth looks grey, thin lips.

People have always guessed me as being older than I am. Whenever I’ve put nice make up on in the past people have said I have nice make up rather than say I look pretty etc. When I was about to get married I was so upset about how fat I am that someone said ‘at least you have nice skin - just focus on that.’ Like that’s the only thing they could compliment me on, but a year later and my skin is bad now as well, so there’s no good point to pull out.

Even when I was thin, I was never attractive enough for a guy to stay with me. My DH didn’t want to marry me, but I got pregnant quickly and after years of nagging him he eventually passed me a box with a ring inside and said ‘we’ll do it one day.’ That was my proposal. Before then, any guy I got with only used me as a filler and once a better woman came along (didn’t take long) they ran. DH’s ex-wife was stunning (we were friends before she divorced him and he used to talk about how stunning she was all the time). He never tells me I look good.

I’m due to go back to work tomorrow after having the summer holidays off and I don’t want to go in and see people. I’ve managed to stay indoors for a majority of the hols, only going out to take kids out and we’ve gone to places I know we won’t see anyone we know. I just really would prefer to stay inside and have no one see me. My anxiety about going back to work is through the roof (not just because of looks, but this certainly doesn’t help).

AIBU and focussing on this too much or have others ever felt the same?

This is impacting on your daily life, relationships and children's lives. This is not a healthy way to live, I think you should seek counselling or see your gp about the anxiety. You need to find a way to live with yourself. Most people have some doubts, some days they feel less confident, somethings they want to change but this level of self criticism isn't usual.

Stop obsessing about your looks. The majority of people won't even register, and the rest wont give your appearance a second thought so it's really not worth wasting time worrying about.

I think you have a serious problem. Stop looking in the mirror, remove the mirrors if you have to. Find an unrelated hobby to focus on. And seek psychological help. Your life can be so much better and more enjoyable than this. Don’t continue down this path. Best of luck x

This won’t just be impacting you op

this will be seriously impacting your children

This sounds serious. Very serious. Please book to see a Gp and handover this op for them to read if you feel uncomfortable

Ok, I’ll contact the GP. Thank you for the replies.

Just have to say though, that just because I’ve stayed in for the majority of the 6 weeks, doesn’t mean the children have.

I’ve taken them to a holiday park for 4 days, to the zoo and to Peppa Pig world. (Again, where I knew we wouldn’t see people we know). I take them round my mum’s house so I’m still indoors, or MIL collects them and takes them out and DH takes them to the local park every week, or if DD1 has a party to go to etc, he’ll take her.

Just because I’ve only been out in public 6 times over the 6 weeks, doesn’t mean they have as well. Obviously I don’t want this impacting on them, so they still go out and do things and do go out locally, but MIL or DH take them.

I don’t talk about my looks in front of them either. In fact I don’t talk about this to anyone, as I don’t have anyone in my life who’ll listen. So sorry to sound dumb, but how will it seriously impact on them if they still go out and enjoy life and they have no idea how I feel about my looks? I’m worried now.

Your GP will be able to arrange a counsellor who will listen without judgement and help you to get these thoughts into perspective. You have made a brave first step posting here. Please do follow it through by seeking help, though.

You deserve to be out in the sunshine and living life with your kids, not having to send them off with other people.

It will impact them because other people are taking them out. What do you do when they're out?
You can take steps to improve your appearance but as others have said, you need to visit gp.

Op you’re focussing on the last 6 weeks and fact they’ve been out and about

this is MUCH bigger than just the last 6 weeks and unquestionably will have a long term impact on them if you don’t address this

I feel the same. Particularly self conscious of my nose. I read it can actually get bigger as you age and I have found that. It really upsets me when I look in the mirror and see how long it is and looking at from the side is really upsetting. Not to mention all my other strange and horrible features.

I also feel the same a lot of the time and am aware that it’s some type of dysmorphia. (In my case it seems to be getting worse in perimenopause and I will be bringing it up at my consult next week.)

Life’s too short for this bullshit, let’s get help!

OP - I am so sorry you feel this way.

most (if not all) of your issues with your appearance are fixable - either with time & discipline, either with a bit of money (you haven't mentioned your financial situation), HOWEVER, I do believe you need therapy as well as this has a terrible effect on your mental health. Therapy could help you get to the root of the issue and teach you how to be gentle to yourself.

Wishing you best of luck

I have broadly the same issues and feel the same way, except that I managed to get the weight off. That is one that you can control and if you do it, it would kick-start you feeling better about yourself, especially if you include exercise in your weight loss schedule.

Other things you mention are also addressable with dentistry, botox and skincare.

Invest in a personal trainer who will likely improve your fitness and self esteem. They are used to seeing the potential and supporting your goals.
Invest in a monthly facial.
Are you artistic or do you have a few great skills? Take up a hobby that uses your skills and make friends with people who appreciate you and what you enjoy.

If you're this unhappy then why not do something about it?

I know that sounds really trite and throwaway but you only have one life - no point spending it in misery when there things you can actively do to change how you feel and how you behave.

There is a 'Princessing' thread recently.
Maybe if you make small changes you will feel better?
I'm trying to use body lotion more often as I have dry skin I neglect.
Just an example
I'm also on a diet. There are loads of weight loss threads that are friendly.
Or start your own?
16 weeks (117 days ) to Christmas. You could make a load of positive changes by then.

By the way, big cheeks are a positive thing, people pay good money for that! 🤗

I was like this in my mid teens and early/mid twenties. I had severe acne, my skin was absolutely awful. It stopped me having a relationship, I couldn't even look people in tbe face, could barely hold down a job because I didn't want to be seen, I only went out at night and I always carried a mirror checking the light in every place I went, people often thought it was because I was so vain but I was just so self conscious. I also had issues with my weight even though I wasn't over weight my bmi was close to 25 and I felt like a whale compared to friends, I regularly starved myself and was referred to an eating disorder clinic, I guess most of my calories came from alcohol which I used as a crutch going out drinking heavily 4 nights a week. I hated the way I looked, it ruined a good 10 years of my life and caused addiction issues. My self esteem was on the floor.

Even after my skin was sorted out I was left with large pores and mild scarring. After having kids I've gained weight too although at 40 I'm more confident than I was 20 years ago but I still have days where I don't want to leave the house so I can definitely empathise with you. I don't have much advice because for me it got better with age but I still struggle some days.

@waistchallenge @readingismycardio I had Botox and all it did was swell up my face for months and now I’m left with a couple of skin coloured spots on my forehead. The Botox didn’t look good and if anything I look worse after having it done.

I’ve started the keto diet and lost 4 pounds so far, but I know I didn’t feel good when thin, which is part of the reason why I piled on weight as I thought ‘what’s the point in caring as I’m ugly anyway?’

I think I will do some sort of skincare regime, starting today. It might give me a boost just by putting in a bit of effort and I have loads of expensive skincare products that I haven’t even opened yet. I think it’s because I hate looking in the mirror, so I don’t do things that involve me having to do that - I don’t pluck eyebrows, wax facial hair and I brush my teeth standing outside of the bathroom so I can avoid looking in the mirror. Maybe I should buy a little mirror, so I don’t have to see my whole face while I’m doing these things.

@TheBeautifulLisette @TheLostNights I’m sorry you also feel this way. I hope things improve for you both.

@CutiePatooties Oh wow, sorry to hear that about botox. There may be some useful suggestion over on Style and Beauty for a cream.

When you say you didn't feel good when thin, in what way do you mean? About how you looked or generally?

Problem is that I don't have the cash to change everything. My crappy thin hair, massive nose, thin lips, flat chest...unless I win the lottery that is.

OP I am sending you a big hug and I want to let you know that you are a wonderful caring mother ensuring your children have fun experiences. There are motivational talks on TikTok by plus size women that I find helpful and encouraging. I have also found it useful to accept myself as I am and act as if I already achieved the goals I am aiming for. To the people saying it will impact the children - I cannot grasp this mentality, the OP is obviously caring for her children and also why does everything have to be about the children when a human, a MOTHER, is expressing herself???? Can't we focus for ONE MINUTE on the woman without derailing her issues to talk about the children??? Look after mama, support her, and the rest will follow. In any case OP is obviously a dedicated mother.

@Mamai90 I’m sorry that you’ve experienced all of this too. Did you ever talk to your GP?

@waistchallenge about how I looked. I remember cancelling my birthday meal a few years ago, because I looked too horrendous and I was 4 and a half stone lighter then. At uni I wouldn’t always go on nights out as I was too self conscious and I was 6 stone lighter than I am now. I did feel better being 6 stone lighter, but still had times where I’d avoid going out due to being so ugly. I suppose I feel like it’s a lot of effort to lose 6 stone just to feel a bit better.

I have no advice, only solidarity. I dont think people always realise how utterly crippling body dysmorphia can be. I have had days of taking hours and hours to go out just because I feel so ugly.
And it's NOT about vanity or selfishness- nor can it be cured by a wonderful personality and charity work. It's a bloody awful thing to live with

I’m sorry you feel this way. I think there are some things you could immediately which might be the first steps on the path to feeling better about yourself. You mention your teeth, could you book into a dentist for an assessment for fixing the greying tooth and sort out the yellowing? I know when I got my teeth fixed it made a massive difference to my self esteem.

I see. It does maybe sound like something you should talk over with a therapist, then, if possible.