To hate my own face, to the point where I want to hide indoors

[CutiePatooties]

I feel like I don’t want to go outside any more.

I have frown lines on my forehead, deep laughter lines, a large nose, a massive forehead, lots of chins (double on double) blackheads, large open pores, I’m obese, my teeth are yellowing, big fat cheeks, one of my fillings are showing through my tooth at the side so the tooth looks grey, thin lips.

People have always guessed me as being older than I am. Whenever I’ve put nice make up on in the past people have said I have nice make up rather than say I look pretty etc. When I was about to get married I was so upset about how fat I am that someone said ‘at least you have nice skin - just focus on that.’ Like that’s the only thing they could compliment me on, but a year later and my skin is bad now as well, so there’s no good point to pull out.

Even when I was thin, I was never attractive enough for a guy to stay with me. My DH didn’t want to marry me, but I got pregnant quickly and after years of nagging him he eventually passed me a box with a ring inside and said ‘we’ll do it one day.’ That was my proposal. Before then, any guy I got with only used me as a filler and once a better woman came along (didn’t take long) they ran. DH’s ex-wife was stunning (we were friends before she divorced him and he used to talk about how stunning she was all the time). He never tells me I look good.

I’m due to go back to work tomorrow after having the summer holidays off and I don’t want to go in and see people. I’ve managed to stay indoors for a majority of the hols, only going out to take kids out and we’ve gone to places I know we won’t see anyone we know. I just really would prefer to stay inside and have no one see me. My anxiety about going back to work is through the roof (not just because of looks, but this certainly doesn’t help).

AIBU and focussing on this too much or have others ever felt the same?

@Trevorton I had them whitened before which helped but the grey tooth still looked grey as it’s the filling showing up underneath. I asked if they can replace the filling with a white one and the dentist said it’s too deep so if they did that I’d need root canal treatment so wouldn’t do it for me. I could get them whitened which does make them look great from the front and just try not to show my teeth from the side 😂 I’ve had experience of using things that do help others - things like botox, teeth whitening etc that just don’t help me. It’s rubbish. Botox swelled up my face and left skin-coloured spots on my forehead, teeth whitening did a great job on all teeth except the one that looks grey (thanks to a filling). I even had my eyebrows micro bladed and my skin had a reaction where one side of my forehead swelled up, but she continued tattooing so once the swelling went down, my eyebrows were wonky. It’s as if my face just wants to remain ugly and there’s nothing I can do about it unless I win the lotto. Even then I bet I’d have reactions to surgery and end up looking worse. I have dreams of having a forehead reduction, brow lift, lip filler and Botox that came out right, nose job, laser hair removal, teeth sorted, blackheads removed, eyebrows and hair done and I’m a size 8. Most things I’d need thousands of pounds for.

1. Go and see your GP. Explain how you're feeling. If you don't feel up to talking about it, just print off your OP and hand it to the doctor to read.
2. Book an appointment with your dentist. Tell them how your grey tooth makes you feel. The old filling should be able to be replaced with a white one. A separate appointment with the dental hygienist for a scale and polish will remove the yellowing.
3. All the issues you mention with your face (large pores, blackheads, wrinkles) can be greatly improved or even fixed by getting a regular facial. It sounds like your skin is dull and congested through lack of attention, but it will honestly look much better if you're able to get a monthly facial. If this is beyond your financial ability, go to the Style and Beauty section of MN and ask the very knowledgable ladies there to recommend products and methods you could try at home.
4. No one looks or feels good when they are obese. I suspect you know what kind of diet will work for you, since most of us have tried various methods over the years and know what works and what we know we can stick with. There are lots of apps and online groups these days, or ask your doctor to refer you to a dietician. It's time to invest some time and energy in yourself OP.
5. Spend some time in nature. It's healing and soothing abilities are now well-recognised and even prescribed for people with depression and low mood. Go for a walk. Listen to the birdsong. Look at the little creatures going about their daily lives. Listen to an uplifting podcast. The exercise will do you both physical and mental good. Nurture yourself. Be your own best friend. Be kind to yourself

All this skin care Botox weight loss advice is missing the point - the OP is going to feel ugly whatever she does. I have no doubt about that.

OP it's time to get some help with targeted therapy. Objectively I doubt you are ugly. And even if you are - so what?!

Agreed - which is why everyone has said she needs to go to her GP as a first port of call. But if there are things than can be helped, I think I'd do those too. If I had blackheads on my face, I'd go and get them removed. If I had yellow teeth, I'd get them professionally cleaned. Because it's hard to feel confident and attractive when you know you don't look your best.

Sending love, OP.

I agree with PPs who say you must get some support from your GP on this, but there are things to do in the meantime. I think doing something, rather than nothing, will help the situation.

I don't mean this in a 'prioritise the male gaze' way, but do put in more time with the self-care to improve your own self-worth. You say you don't pluck your eyebrows - start that, or better still, if you can afford it, have it done professionally the first time to shape them. There are YouTube videos that might help if you want to do it yourself. Do the best you can with your hair - just a good blow-dry at home might help or again, if funds will stretch, get a new style professionally cut. Colour too, if that would help.

Yes, work on the weight loss for your health's sake if for no other reason, and do try to get out every day for at least a walk. I know this all sounds trivial but I know from experience that caring for yourself in these ways really does improve your mood and confidence. Can you afford a few new items of clothing to give a 'fresh start' feeling? I know it's really hard if money's tight - money definitely makes everything easier.

You say you feel too self-conscious to go out. In my long experience, yes, people tend to notice attractive people and the rest of us are pretty invisible most of the time.

I know all this sounds trivial but I think it's important for your own sake - not to please the world at large. I always feel better when I've put in a bit of time with self-care. It's that awful cliche "You're worth it!", but it does have an impact.

Whatever you do - do something for yourself, and good luck, OP. Tell yourself it's a new season - autumn - and it's going to be the start of sorting out some of the problems which are holding you back.

I’ve self-registered for talking therapy and during assessment it said I’d scored above clinical threshold so they sent me a text with a telephone appointment scheduled for 8.30am this Friday (I’ll have to ask work if it’s okay for me to take this call).

I’ve just booked in a diamond microdermabrasion with vitamin face mask for this Saturday and will go every month to see if this helps. I should be fine going there as I doubt I’d see anyone I know.

I do have a treadmill, bike, rowing machine and weights at home though so only excuse I have is the fact that I don’t see the point slogging my guts out to get thin when I know I’ll still look horrendous. Will have to change that mindset based on what PPs have said. Perhaps just doing these things will help, but I’m doubtful.

Stop looking at your reflection so much. It helped me. We women are encouraged to value ourselves by our appearance but it's bullshit. There's so much more valuable about us than what we look like. It's meaningless in fact. Get therapy.

In my experience it won’t help at all fixing all the things you have mentioned
you will still find something to fixate on unfortunately I don’t know how to fix it nothing has worked for me including extensive counselling

OP, I know I can only speak for myself, but I know that when I’m feeling down, I feel far more negative about my appearance. I don’t know if that applies to you at all.

I agree with PPs that it’s worth having a chat with your dentist about your teeth. You skin can also be helped. A facial is a great start, but you can also get products that will help as well. What about a new haircut/colour? I was thinking that if you felt better about one bit of your appearance, it might give you a lift overall. Maybe look again at your make up/make up techniques (if you wear it).

Despite other comments I still think you're doing the right thing, OP. Time spent on self-care is affirmative in itself. It can only do good and be a positive thing, and just the act of spending time on yourself is important.

Honestly, thinking about this issue, I know that what I notice about people, especially women, is their personal style. Whether they're classically pretty is a long way down the list. This doesn't mean the same as being fashionable - often really stylish people have no time for the fickleness of fashion- but putting together your look. Yes, I appreciate a groomed look - but only in the sense of clean, well-cut hair, neat natural nails and good personal hygiene - I don't mean looking like RuPaul!! Think about colours - they can make a huge difference. Some colours bring you to life and others make you look like a corpse. My personal hint would be: go for plain, strong but subtle colours and strong jewellery if you (like me) don't feel pretty.

A friend always used to give me the sort of earrings etc that suited her - and she's petite with a lovely heart-shaped face - but I looked ridiculous in these delicate designs. I started wearing big statement stuff and plain tops and it was much better (er...I'm not talking Asprey's here...I mean inexpensive, quirky necklaces etc).

But whatever you decide to do, please don't give up on yourself. You're worth as much as any other person and while I'm not minimising your concerns (that's so irritating) the problem of your appearance may have become distorted in your view.

I suspect you're nowhere near as ugly as you feel, but supposing you are.

So what? You would be no less worthy. You'd have no less right to be out in the world. If you believe in God, God made you. If you don't, you're stardust just like the rest of us.

@Apricotton I’ve found a weekly skincare regime that I’ll try and follow from today and I’ll stick to the monthly facials from this Saturday. I spoke to the dentist about the filling and she wouldn’t change it for a white one as she said it’s too deep in the tooth and removal would mean root canal. I can go and get them cleaned and whitened though; I’ll do that next month. DH said if I lose half a stone he’ll pay for me to get my hair done; I’m 3lbs away from that, so I’ll see if he sticks to his word.

I did score high for symptoms of depression when I went through the assessment for talking therapy so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Although the problem is deep-rooted, as I was obese as a child (always a stone heavier than my age so at 8 I weighed 9 stone etc). I’ve had the bullying, the random name calling when I walk past people in the street, the odd ‘who ate all the pies?’ Or ‘she’s a whale’ when I’ve been out and about (as an adult and as a child). As I said, my bfs have always dumped me when they’ve found someone else (I’ve had 3 bfs before my husband and 2 of them cheated and the other hid me from his friends and family). I got with husband when I was 25, had DD1 when I was 26 and nagged him into marrying me and he eventually did when I was 33. As I said, no proposal or anything. He really didn’t want to go through with it and looks miserable in the photos (there’s only one of him smiling).

@CoffeeCantata thank you and style is a good point as I used to have a sense of style but now I’m so much bigger I just wear frumpy long sleeved tops and leggings or dresses that do me no favours at all and a cashier even asked me when the baby is due, when I was at the checkout a month ago. I just don’t know how to style the body I’ve got and also think if I wore nice things it would be a bit like polishing a turd.

@SusiePevensie it’s hard going out as I’ve had random people say things to me when I’m out in public. Mainly about my weight but one set of teenage girls on their way to school, did comment on my face and tried pulling a face to almost mimic mine which didn’t feel too good. I do feel safer at home as I’m not judged or ridiculed here.

CutiePatooties
I just don’t know how to style the body I’ve got and also think if I wore nice things it would be a bit like polishing a turd.

No, no no! It's definitely worth it. You've got nothing to lose, so go for it!

There's an art curator I occasionally see on the TV on documentaries and I she's most definitely not conventionally attractive, but my God - her sense of style! I'm always mesmerised by her look - which is very pared down, but what she does wear (simple, plain, flowing dress, or top and trousers) plus statement earrings or necklace) is sensational. She also has a very 'definite' hair style - nothing fluffy or undefined, if you know what I mean. It all says to me "I'm a confident person. I know my own worth, and this is MY style".

I'm no expert but I'm sure there are people/places who can advise on how to style yourself in the way that gives you more confidence. As I say, I just watch people in real life and on the telly - seeing what doesn't work for people is often as useful as seeing successful styling.

Just as a rule of thumb I would say: avoid fussy prints and fussy looks (big, bold, graphic or geometric prints work better on bigger people - you don't want anything 'ditsy'.)

Find which colours suit you and look for a strong but unusual shade: eg petrol or teal blue, rather than navy or pale blue. Burnt orange rather than coral etc, charcoal grey but not that pale 'sweat-pant' grey. Etc etc

Use bold scarves and jewellery to set off plain tops/dresses.

Choosing loose (but still stylish), flowing styles looks better on a bigger person than squeezing into tight things. That's not to say you can't balance slimmer trousers or a long, slim skirt with a wider top, or vice-versa.

These things work for me and I admire this look on other people, but it's got to be YOUR style, so my advice is: become very observant and analytical to get ideas (and TV is a good start if you don't move in stylish circles in real life!!!!!!) Keep a notebook and jot down ideas for colours/styles etc as you see them. Make it a bit of a project - it's a really interesting subject. And it doesn't HAVE to be expensive. Charity shops and eBay have been a good friend to me, but if money is no object try places like Sahara which specialise in posh, arty Bohemian looks.

I had the diamond microdermabrasion today and she commented a few times on my forehead lines and frown lines and offered to give a number of a nurse she knows who does Botox. Didn’t comment on laughter lines though, so I suppose that’s a good sign.

She did however, mention my red cheeks and a laser treatment I can get for that. Hadn’t even noticed this issue 😂 so I just left feeling worse!

On the plus side I started keto on Monday and I’ve gone from 16st1 to 15st8 (well aware this is water weight, but it has made me feel good seeing it go down). I had a text from my doctor’s surgery saying the nurse wants to meet me about my cholesterol results and I have been getting chest pains every now and then, so I think tackling my obesity has to be a real priority. So I do feel good about the weight loss and the fact I’m sticking to this diet! Haven’t done any exercise though 😩

Well done on the weight loss OP. I would say even if you don't think exercise is going to make you look all that different, it's amazing how if can make you feel.

I lift weights and feel amazing afterwards - strong and capable. Long before I saw any physical results I felt the benefits.

In terms of skin you could try a cream with retinol in it at night, and make sure you use sunscreen daily. Also a moisturiser with hyaluronic acid in it should make your skin look hydrated.

You are definitely worth making the effort, most of us have things we don't like about ourselves and would love to change if we could click our fingers, but self care is a great way of showing yourself love. And your children love you no matter how you look.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so well done OP for taking those first few steps and for losing half a stone already! 👏

I know I’m coming to this thread late but OP I wanted to say firstly, be proud of yourself to be pro-active enough to do something about how you feel, from sharing on here, to getting that facial to taking those huge first steps on your weight loss journey! Wow - you’ve achieved so much already, to go out there and do those things when you feel like this is so bloody tough and to do it when you feel like this is amazing! To have already lost weight shows your commitment and determination which is exactly what you need to really turn things around and claim back the life you want and deserve!

I won’t repeat the advice others have given about seeing your GP and seeking therapy but I agree and think it’s good advice.

I wanted to add two things. Firstly, do you really want your kids to go out and have those great days out without you there to share those memories? In the future when they look back on those times would they really be thinking “mum was obese and unattractive” or would they be thinking of the happy childhood you gave them and great times you shared - those memories are what they’ll look back on when you’re gone! It’s so sad to think they’d look back and think “why wasn’t mum ever there”. You really need to do this for them as well as yourself.

Secondly, I think you need to speak to your DH. Why on Earth would be have married you if he really felt like that?! Plenty of men get someone pregnant and then move onto someone else, he wouldn’t have married you if he didn’t want to! If he is a decent husband he will want to know how you feel so he can make you realise how wrong you are and support you on this journey. It’s not clear from your original post but he could also be emotionally abusive if he’s the one making you feel this way about yourself.

You need to put yourself first for the next year or so while you focus on things that make you feel good - clothes, skincare, exercise, healthy food, running around the garden with your kids - and get psychological help to enable you move past this way of thinking. Your DH should be there to support you on that journey.