To think anything I did was also his fault?

[Naomi189]

I'm about a year into recovering from my DH having an affair. We stayed together, and there's been generally good progress but we keep having the same argument and I get insanely angry when we have it and I just want to know AIBU.

After he cheated, for the first couple of months I was fairly calm. I was devastated, but I wasn't chucking his clothes out of windows or screaming and shouting.

The first 12 weeks was hell, but in a lot of ways we were closer than ever before and I felt like it would be a lot road but we'd recover from it. We'd been to counselling and attended an online infidelity course and things had been really positive.

One thing drilled into him was the need for total honesty going forwards. During that period, he met the OW for drinks to give her "closure" he felt she "deserved", after he'd expressly promised not to speak to her ever again.

To me, that was actually worse than the affair itself and I went absolutely postal, chucked him out, went on Tinder, got insanely drunk and gave a random date a blow job in the garden and texted DH to tell him.

I'm not proud of that, but he'd had an affair that went on for months and while I was in the process of giving him an opportunity to make amends (and while he'd seen me clearly devastated), he betrayed me again.

So we got through it all eventually, but now as we're trying to do the work on the affair, he keeps banhing on about how I "hurt him too" and how much what I did, damaged HIM.

To which I roll my eyes, go absolutely postal again and tell him HE is responsible for his affair and breaking our marriage and HE is responsible for betraying me again when I was devastated and therefore HE is responsible for any fallout or consequences.

He says I need to take responsibility and just because he screwed someone else 50 times while I was home cooking his dinner, that I still had "choices" and didn't need to behave in ways to deliberately hurt him.

I think I have absolutely zero responsibility for damaging our relationship and that he's lucky I didn't do worse.

Am I wrong here?

Largely we are doing well, but he just will NOT stop bringing this up during arguments which they turn very ugly because it feels like he's trying to act like I'm to blame for reacting to his shit behaviour.

I think he is trying to make a fucked up point that his affair was a sort of blundering accident with no malice where as what you did was spiteful so therefore worse. He’s getting caught up in the motivation. It’s astonishing he feels he can complain about this.

I really do understand the need to communicate your pain to him. But realistically is he even capable of soothing you? Once you see the lack of emotional intelligence in these men it cannot be unseen, and it is this that causes most reconciliations to fail. It leaves you with a child in a man’s body who you have to try to teach to be a basic decent human being.

He’s got off lightly. I had a lot of fun in retaliation. If his dad would have been younger and good looking I’d have fucked him and made my ex my sort of step son.

You said on the previous page that "I think so many people on here think I did it to hurt him, and that's probably a perception that comes from never being in that position." and variations of that several more times.

However you also said
"What I actually FEEL is "fuck you. I am glad I sucked his cock and with hindsight I am sorry I didn't shag him for 6 months and tell you later".

It seems clear that you're bitter, angry and you want him to hurt now. You keep saying you've forgiven him, but you clearly haven't. It's a front you're putting on for the kids that everything is fine, when it's clearly not. You think you're going to move past this, but everyone here is saying it's not going to happen. You need to think about what everyone is saying and seriously think about ending it.

@KrisAkabusi

That doesn't mean I did it on the night to hurt him. If it does hurt him, that's a consequence he has to accept. I think he brought it all on himself and needs to grow up and accept those consequences instead of trying to blame me for them.

Everyone is angry after this. EVERYONE. Extremely angry. If they have made the choice to stay and work on it and they do that in a genuine way, believe me they are not doing so out of desire to hurt the other person.

I think there's an awful lot of projection going on here. Because you would want to hurt someone you assume I am the same person. I am not. I can be very angry at someone and not want to hurt them.

Clearly from your posts, you're someone who would have a desire for vengeance. I've never wanted vengeance from anyone in my life. If had wanted that I would have taken it. It has no interest of any kind for me. Purely because I see absolutely no point in it.

Surely the DH’s cheating could also be described as the symptom? How many times did we hear ‘happy people don’t cheat’.

What he did was undeniably terrible, over and again but i think what some of us are struggling to understand is why engage in (oral) sex with another man when you want to mend your relationship.

OP needs to own he hurt her husband too, even if she thinks it’s not at the same level and they can both move on.

OP sounds really hurt and even the further details about the wealthy tinder guy makes you sound even more hurt and sadder, OP. You were craving the attention from another man, which is somewhat understandable, I guess. You’d probably have found out after the hotel meets that he’s cheating on his wife with random
women via twitter.

I wish you all the best OP. I wish you manage to heal

Yanbu.

This is the equivalent of someone stealing from the till for a year, getting caught, the employer being generous and keeping the employee on, only because of their promises never to do anything like this again.....for the next month, the employee to be caught nicking from the stock room.

The employer, incandescent that after being stolen from, being fed a crocodile tears apology, then stolen from again, loses their temper and shouts at the employee in the middle of the store, all the customers and other staff members see as they're told to get their things, get out, thief.

Now the ex employee wants to whine about their public humiliation. The employer had a completely understandable (whilst not the most dignified) reaction to someone who behaved about as poorly as possible and insulted their kind nature deliberately. Absolute betrayal, when they didn't even deserve to be in the job to steal for a second time.

I don't know how he's got the fucking audacity to say "well, when I was with the OW again behind your back, you weren't very nice"

I would actually leave for that. Not the affair, I'd try to work through it like you have. But this? The very idea he'd even come out with this shit, shouting at you (!) tells me everything I need to know about how he really feels. He's a liar. He's not sorry.

@SaySomethingMan

For about the 14th time.

I did NOT want to repair my marriage.

Is he bringing up the bj every-time you discuss the affair? If this is the case then you're not going to resolve anything as he's going to use this to excuse not to own his own failings. Have you taken responsibility for the bj and apologised to him? He needs to process this at the same time you need to process the affair

You sound unreasonable, this marriage is not going to work.Constantly going over the same ground, having the same arguments is not healing.

I have said I am sorry he is hurt. I am not sorry for the BJ. I spoke to a solicitor the next day and made an appointment to begin divorce proceedings. I was done and had told him I would be done if he ever betrayed me again. He made that choice, therefore anything I did afterwards is not subject to any kind of apology.

Absofuckinglutely.

What you do, whilst single, which he made you, is none of his business.

He chose to end the relationship. You were a single person at his doing.

This.

Very well worded too.

You are responsible for your actions. You did do what you did to hurt him and knew how he would feel because he did it to you.

I agree though that you aren't working towards recovery because neither of you are on the same page re this incident. He may well know what he did hurt you and be willing to work in that. But he cannot accept what you did because you cannot recognise it hurt him.

It's very hard to regain trust after infidelity. I left my DP when he cheated and was let alone in a foreign country with a 1yo disabled baby.

But you chose to do what you did because he hurt you and so added fuel to the fire.

And if he can't accept that he is just feeling how you felt and he has to deal with that just like you had to deal with his affair then I'm not sure how you both move on from this.

My apologies. I realised that after reading your further updates.

If you want to heal your marriage now and he needs acknowledgment that you hurt him, as a pp said, can you give him that even if you don’t feel like doing so, can you compromise?

All the best to you. I hope down the line you’re able to be truly happy again

You say you had counselling is this couples counselling? If so could this be worked through via couples counselling.

Thing is you did have a choice and your choice was to react. He got hurt.

He ALSO had a choice and his choice was a 2nd betrayal for you he chose to put someone else's feelings above yours so you got hurt. Again.

That's where you are at 2 hurt people who are not finding a way to move on. One doesn't cancel out the other. A good couples therapist could support you both to talk through your feelings and come to an agreement over how to acknowledge oneanothees hurt and each of your responsibilities.

I chose to stay in a marriage after I was cheated on.

I can relate to what you’re saying about the hurt.

But with all my best wishes your approach to moving on isn’t going to work.

I would be more inclined to listen carefully to the good advice from the other posters on this thread and not the guidance you are posting from your knowledge of books/ websites and counselling.

It's a bit weird that I've said about 30 times I didn't do what I did to hurt him and people keep replying "you did this to hurt him".

He thinks I did because by his way of thinking everything is about him.

I am saying I didn't. I know exactly what I was thinking and feeling because I was there and it was me!

I have absolutely no reason to lie! Not that it's even relevant, but it's just getting a bit annoying to try and have a conversation where people won't accept your version of your own feelings as correct.

And he isn't feeling how I felt. Not even close!

I think this is where he is coming from.

You say he's sorry and horrified.

He met the OW to giver her closure and was honest about it and is horrified he did.

I absolutely don't condone affairs but there's a POV that could be taken that he did it because he's a decent person and wanted to help heal her pain and yours. Some people have really low emotional intelligence and this actually presents as over e,patchy because they can't have decent boundaries.

But when he hurt you. Having decided to work on it you the made a choice to make the situation worse to teach him a lesson and make you feel better. You admit yourself you did it out of spite.

That's not to say it's not understandable why you did it. But you can't blame him for your actions. You chose to stay and try and make it work. You knew he had issues with fidelity. You chose to add fuel to the fire when you were angry with him instead of walking away.

This isn't healthy.

What caused me to get pissed and give a stranger a blowjob in the garden doesn't need deep unravelling.

Yes, it does. Stop brushing the blowjob off as 'understandable given the circumstances'.

Unless and until you can face the really difficult task of accepting responsibility for your own part in some of this (because, given your DH's behaviour, it would be so easy, and in part justified, to lay everything at his door), your marriage will not change.

And he isn't feeling how I felt. Not even close!

As you say, we have no idea how you're feeling. Yet you are so sure you know how he is feeling.

OP, this marriage is never going to be repaired. Neither of you is in the right frame of mind. It sounds to me as if you were at some level trying to sabotage any pretence of recovery by the garden BJ and text to your DH.

You’re both at fault, in my view. He didn’t “make” you do anything with another man - you did it by choice. You wanted to hurt him, and you did. I completely understand how hurt and angry you were at the time, but the fact remains that we have free will, and you chose and are responsible for your own actions.

He is also responsible for his actions, in going to see the OW when you had expressly asked him not to.

It sounds like you are both going out of your way to hurt each other, and I agree with other posters who have suggested that this relationship is over.

Im so sorry this happened to you. You certainly deserve better. I hope your next relationship is a better, more loving and supportive one.

This sort of thinking isn’t really helping you.

He had an affair, he met up with her and they wer his choices and he has to take responsibility. You aren’t to blame.

By the same token, your actions may have been in response to him hurting you. But the actions were your own. You chose to do it And you did want to hurt him, which is why you text him and told him.

While I get why you would do something like you did, you chose actions that would hurt him. You accepting that isn’t making his affair less bad. It doesn’t absolve him of responsibility. Really why would it be that awful to say ‘we had finished, I didn’t have an affair. Yes I wanted to hurt you and chose to do it. I did want to hurt you’ but adding ‘how does that make what you did less painful. You were still with me, lying to me everyday. You still met up with her without telling me. I may have hurt you but I was in pain after what you did’

You can take responsibility for your own actions without absolving him of his actions. You can accept responsibility for your own choices whilst also acknowledging there were specific reasons you did it.

You are both in a cycle of trying to palm off any pain your actions caused by saying the other one also caused pain. And really is that going to solve anything?

You can both take responsibility for your actions as separate things. It doesn’t have to be ‘you hurt me and I hurt you so we are even and drop it’.

His affair wasn’t just about having sex. He lied. For months. He brought someone else into your relationship without telling you. He decided to remove the monogamy from your relationship, essentially changing it, without telling you. He took away your choice, showed a complete lack or respect and spent ages lying to your face, he removed your ability to consent to sex with him. You aren’t comparing apples and apples. A long term affair is so much more than sex. He needs to take responsibility for all those things. All those things need working through.

You accepting responsibility for your own actions doesn’t change or reduce that.

@Alwaysdecorating - this is what I wanted to say, but couldn’t find the right words. You put it brilliantly.

OP doesn’t sound like he is fully owning or taking responsibility for what he did. If he can’t, then you’ll both struggle to move forwards

Nah. All his fault.

It's a bit weird that I've said about 30 times I didn't do what I did to hurt him and people keep replying "you did this to hurt him".

You've said you did the BJ with a stranger to make you feel better.

I honestly understand d just how you feel as someone who was cheated on whilst at home looking after our baby.

But you text him to let him know. And there's no reason you'd want him to know unless for it to hurt.

What ever conscious level feelings you had no human shares feelings they know will hurt another unless they want them to feel the hurt, share the hurt or to hurt them back because they've hurt you.

I really liked your post at midnight ish and felt it was sport on and showed less anger. You said you would be happy to talk to him about how what he did hurt him at a calm time but you won't accept him throwing it back to minimise what he did. That's spot on IMO.

But somehow you both can't get there.