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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think anything I did was also his fault?

572 replies

Naomi189 · 29/08/2023 20:35

I'm about a year into recovering from my DH having an affair. We stayed together, and there's been generally good progress but we keep having the same argument and I get insanely angry when we have it and I just want to know AIBU.

After he cheated, for the first couple of months I was fairly calm. I was devastated, but I wasn't chucking his clothes out of windows or screaming and shouting.

The first 12 weeks was hell, but in a lot of ways we were closer than ever before and I felt like it would be a lot road but we'd recover from it. We'd been to counselling and attended an online infidelity course and things had been really positive.

One thing drilled into him was the need for total honesty going forwards. During that period, he met the OW for drinks to give her "closure" he felt she "deserved", after he'd expressly promised not to speak to her ever again.

To me, that was actually worse than the affair itself and I went absolutely postal, chucked him out, went on Tinder, got insanely drunk and gave a random date a blow job in the garden and texted DH to tell him.

I'm not proud of that, but he'd had an affair that went on for months and while I was in the process of giving him an opportunity to make amends (and while he'd seen me clearly devastated), he betrayed me again.

So we got through it all eventually, but now as we're trying to do the work on the affair, he keeps banhing on about how I "hurt him too" and how much what I did, damaged HIM.

To which I roll my eyes, go absolutely postal again and tell him HE is responsible for his affair and breaking our marriage and HE is responsible for betraying me again when I was devastated and therefore HE is responsible for any fallout or consequences.

He says I need to take responsibility and just because he screwed someone else 50 times while I was home cooking his dinner, that I still had "choices" and didn't need to behave in ways to deliberately hurt him.

I think I have absolutely zero responsibility for damaging our relationship and that he's lucky I didn't do worse.

Am I wrong here?

Largely we are doing well, but he just will NOT stop bringing this up during arguments which they turn very ugly because it feels like he's trying to act like I'm to blame for reacting to his shit behaviour.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 30/08/2023 09:15

AllThatTwitters · 29/08/2023 23:37

There is slut-shaming going on in this thread that I would expect from teenage incels rather than supposedly fully grown women. 🙄

Well said.

OP was cheated on for a long time. Her vile DH then broke his word and saw OW again.

OP was devastated, got drunk and did what she did. Once. No, this is nowhere close to what was done to her and it was in direct response to what her DH has done. He should not be trying to present it as equivalent.

However, if DH knows that you aren’t going to divorce him, I don’t know what you can do. He will keep bringing it up - unless he knows that to continue to do so will have consequences that he’d rather avoid. You need to find those consequences. For me it would be divorce, but if that’s not the way forward for you, you need to find something else.

GuinnessBird · 30/08/2023 09:16

He chose to stick his knob in someone else.

You chose to let someone stick their knob in your mouth.

Yes at that time you were single so you could blow as many men as you wanted to, but whining that you choosing to give someone a blowjob and then texting your husband about it, was your husband's fault is a bit pathetic really. You chose to do it.

Honestly you both come across as twats.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:18

How many blow jobs did he get off her .... That's be the question is he asking him if he dared raise it again.

If the answer is none, I'd reply that clearly they were too busy fucking to bother with OS then.

A cheater of months and months, who broke one reasonable condition the partner he betrayed asked of him to stay together..... And he's going on about his BS's devastated behaviour??

Fuck that and fuck him.

You're wasting your time.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:21

Honestly you both come across as twats.

No, her h comes across as a c*nt.

She comes across as devastated.

She can such whoever's dick she wants to when she's got a cheating partner who's just broken her one condition to stay with him, with cosy, self pitying, little closure chats with his OW.

Is she a twat for sucking a dick? She was perfectly within her rights whether she intended to continue the relationship with her cheating partner or not. He's very lucky that's all she did.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:24

Op could have ended up in any shade of compromised, dangerous, vulnerable situation.. Due to her devastation and rashness and pain; and resulting acting out.

You need to get away from people who cause you that level of pain and trigger behaviour like that.

This is why cheating should be categorised clearly as ABUSE.

GuinnessBird · 30/08/2023 09:25

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:21

Honestly you both come across as twats.

No, her h comes across as a c*nt.

She comes across as devastated.

She can such whoever's dick she wants to when she's got a cheating partner who's just broken her one condition to stay with him, with cosy, self pitying, little closure chats with his OW.

Is she a twat for sucking a dick? She was perfectly within her rights whether she intended to continue the relationship with her cheating partner or not. He's very lucky that's all she did.

I think that OP is a twat because apparently sucking a knob wasn't intended to hurt her husband, it was for her benefit.

Okay, in that case why did she then text her husband that she'd just sucked a dick if she wasn't trying to hurt him?

It's so fucking transparent.

TheBarbieEffect · 30/08/2023 09:25

I think @GilbertMarkham has her own skin in this game and is projecting. It means you can’t listen to what she’s saying because she’s too emotionally deep in the trenches.

Original poster
Naomi189 · 30/08/2023 09:29

@Janieforever

youre so angry and refusing to accept any responsibility for the utter toxic shit show that’s your marriage

You're responding to insult me, but again not answering the question. WHAT specifically am I responsible for?

Even pretending the kids are protected

What evidence have you got that my children are not "protected" in so far as is possible following their father's infidelity?

when you’re crying daily

I am in the wrong for crying every day after my husband had an affair? 😟

shouting

When?

getting drunk

When, 14 months ago one day?

blowing some random

I can blow whoever I like - why is that wrong?

even inviting them to your home

When? No I didn't, and had I done, I can invite anyone I like into my home

Are you quite all right?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 30/08/2023 09:29

However, if DH knows that you aren’t going to divorce him, I don’t know what you can do. He will keep bringing it up - unless he knows that to continue to do so will have consequences that he’d rather avoid. You need to find those consequences. For me it would be divorce, but if that’s not the way forward for you, you need to find something else.

I agree with this.

Personally, OP, I would have written him off at the BJ point and pursued things with handsome, wealthy Tinder guy. Your "D"H sounds like hard work - whining, arguing, self-centred, self-justificatory. And fixing the relationship sounds like a lot of hard work too. Just because you've put years into it doesn't mean that the right answer is to continue to invest in it. Sunk costs fallacy and all that. Is he really worth all of your efforts?

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:31

GuinnessBird · 30/08/2023 09:25

I think that OP is a twat because apparently sucking a knob wasn't intended to hurt her husband, it was for her benefit.

Okay, in that case why did she then text her husband that she'd just sucked a dick if she wasn't trying to hurt him?

It's so fucking transparent.

Show quote history

It can be both, you know.

Human behaviour doesn't nearly fit isolated, individual motivations.

And so what if she sucked a dick to annoy him; he deserved way worse.

I wouldn't consider that being a twat.

As I said, infidelity is abuse and abuse victims act out in different ways. If she'd been hurt in the course of sexual interaction she drunkenly got into as as a result off her pain and his betrayal - he'd hold responsibility.

Being around people like him is no good for anyone's mental or physical health. They need left behind.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/08/2023 09:32

Curseofthenation · 29/08/2023 20:59

You need to leave this man. He has no respect for you. He wouldn't have seen OW to give her closure if he had any decent level of empathy. He is going to cheat again. His remorse is fake.

Edited

I agrée with this. Sorry OP but I don’t think the relationship can be properly healed, and you will heal better outside of it.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:32

TheBarbieEffect · 30/08/2023 09:25

I think @GilbertMarkham has her own skin in this game and is projecting. It means you can’t listen to what she’s saying because she’s too emotionally deep in the trenches.

As predictable as the sun rising, posters like you.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:33

TheBarbieEffect · 30/08/2023 09:25

I think @GilbertMarkham has her own skin in this game and is projecting. It means you can’t listen to what she’s saying because she’s too emotionally deep in the trenches.

I have no skin in any game btw.

You're projecting.

And what's your aim ; with your unfair criticism of the op?

What are you planning on achieving?

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/08/2023 09:34

Well you are both cheaters. This doesn't look like a healthy relationship to me.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:34

Why are you putting a devastated, betrayed woman down?

Do you enjoy living people when they're down?

Mrsttcno1 · 30/08/2023 09:34

OP I think you need to just leave this where it is.

He is responsible for his actions.

You are responsible for your actions.

You say “I can blow whoever I like”, okay so you’re single then, and he can also then do whatever he wants.

Accept that that’s the position you are in and you will be much happier, single.

ChristmasFluff · 30/08/2023 09:34

Thing is, it was dominoes.

The cock-sucking was the final domino to fall, but it was OP's husband who set up the dominoes and pushed the first one over. His (lack of) willingness to really work on things is shown by his seeming inability to understand that.

OP, alas, has fallen for the reconciliation industry bollocks, that you can work through relationship issues with someone who has so little care and respect for you that they will repeatedly betray and lie to you. Then they try to make you think the mote in your own eye (that THEY put there) is somehow remotely equivalent to the log in their own.

You can't solve that person's faulty character and so the relationship is basically over, however long you choose to stay in it.

I cheated, in my 20s. I was basically monkey-vining from one relationship to another. But I saw what it did to the man I cheated on and I would never do it again. This did not change the fact that the relationhsip with him was done.

No-one cheats on someone they truly love and respect. Most people who cheat have no clue what love really is, or they would have the integrity to end the relationship before they get involved with someone else.

Original poster
Naomi189 · 30/08/2023 09:35

@TheBarbieEffect

It's pretty clear there's some odd people entirely on this thread

I am to blame for crying 😟
I am to blame for getting drunk once over a year ago 😟
I am harming my children 😟
I "need to take responsibility" but no one can tell me what for given that I was single and could do whatever I liked with whoever I liked
Apparently I let my kids watch me suck cock 😟
Apparently I am a terrible old slag for getting drunk and giving someone a BJ but my husband who had a several month long affair is a decent, kind person for just wanting to meet his OW one more time for a cosy farewell 😟

It's genuinely completely mad. I am staying because you're all frankly making my husband seem like a comparatively healthy person.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:35

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/08/2023 09:34

Well you are both cheaters. This doesn't look like a healthy relationship to me.

A cheated on partner getting involved with someone else is not cheating.

It wod only be cheating if they agreed to conditions to fidelity from that point and none were broken.

But he broke the main condition for fidelity ... So it was not cheating

And it looks like she maybe didn't even intend to continue the relationship at that point anyway.

GuinnessBird · 30/08/2023 09:36

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:31

It can be both, you know.

Human behaviour doesn't nearly fit isolated, individual motivations.

And so what if she sucked a dick to annoy him; he deserved way worse.

I wouldn't consider that being a twat.

As I said, infidelity is abuse and abuse victims act out in different ways. If she'd been hurt in the course of sexual interaction she drunkenly got into as as a result off her pain and his betrayal - he'd hold responsibility.

Being around people like him is no good for anyone's mental or physical health. They need left behind.

Show quote history

She's not a twat for sucking a dick, she's a twat for not being honest about why and portraying herself as the poor hard done by lady.

As I said, infidelity is abuse and abuse victims act out in different ways. If she'd been hurt in the course of sexual interaction she drunkenly got into as as a result off her pain and his betrayal - he'd hold responsibility.

No he wouldn't, that's on her.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:36

ChristmasFluff · 30/08/2023 09:34

Thing is, it was dominoes.

The cock-sucking was the final domino to fall, but it was OP's husband who set up the dominoes and pushed the first one over. His (lack of) willingness to really work on things is shown by his seeming inability to understand that.

OP, alas, has fallen for the reconciliation industry bollocks, that you can work through relationship issues with someone who has so little care and respect for you that they will repeatedly betray and lie to you. Then they try to make you think the mote in your own eye (that THEY put there) is somehow remotely equivalent to the log in their own.

You can't solve that person's faulty character and so the relationship is basically over, however long you choose to stay in it.

I cheated, in my 20s. I was basically monkey-vining from one relationship to another. But I saw what it did to the man I cheated on and I would never do it again. This did not change the fact that the relationhsip with him was done.

No-one cheats on someone they truly love and respect. Most people who cheat have no clue what love really is, or they would have the integrity to end the relationship before they get involved with someone else.

This X 100

Justanothercatlady · 30/08/2023 09:37

It’s clear that many posters are projecting and not ‘hearing’ you - just like your husband. Too wrapped up in their own view to listen well. Desiring comfort while you are hurt is understandable - others view your method as ‘distasteful’ is puritanical and victim blaming. It sounds like you have better communication skills than he does and he’s still wrapped up in his shame and trying to deflect. Is he honestly working on his own issues so you can both resolve this? I’ve been where you are and it is frankly just annoying:draining to be the grown up (and the person who had been devastated) and seemingly the only one putting the work in!

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/08/2023 09:38

Actually thinking about it, if we put aside what a fucking twat he is (my tolerance for cheating is zero), he has just found out you have cheated on him. I'm not excusing his behaviour, and definitely not yours as hurt or not you decided to give someone a blow job. But he is also going to have an emotional reaction, just as you have. Just because he cheated on you, doesn't mean he doesn't feel pain and betrayal at you doing what you did and he needs to work through that as well. You wouldn't just brush what he did under the carpet so why are you expecting him too?!

That being said, he is a complete fucking cheating twat, and I can guarantee 100% he will do it again. They always do.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 09:38

She's not a twat for sucking a dick, she's a twat for not being honest about why and portraying herself as the poor hard done by lady.

She is a poor hard done by lady.

Syed not portraying herself as anything shes not.

You shouldn't be calling her a twat.

You're calling a betrayed spouse who's clearly struggled and acted out during a second betrsyal a twat. Your posts should really be reported. Do you not get that?

Mrsttcno1 · 30/08/2023 09:39

You have both made the same choice, to see other people, albeit to different degrees.

He’s not innocent, neither are you.