Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 19 year old should cop on

33 replies

Lill1e · 29/08/2023 20:22

Just arrived on holidays at the moment and 19 year old has a face like a wet weak. I've spent a lot on this holiday and want everyone ro enjoy it. Also since i split with her dad I've gone back on the fags cause of the stress of it all and I've been hiding it from her and younger child for ages. Tonight she saw me smoke after getting off the flight and I feel like a rotten mother! Why do children act like this and what more can I do to make sure she enjoys herself. Youngest is pure excited but conscious of the grumpy head on older sister.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 29/08/2023 20:24

Don't bend over backwards to cater to her.
If you want to do something and your younger daughter also does, just leave the 19 yo to it if she's sulking etc.

That will be the fastest way for her to see that being stroppy etc will only disadvantage her.

Drummend01 · 29/08/2023 20:37

Have you talked to her and asked why she seems down?

Perhaps she’s worried about you, especially since finding out you’re smoking again to cope with the stress of the split. Is it the first holiday without their dad?

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 29/08/2023 21:08

Your daughter is an adult, you are not responsible for her enjoyment or lack of it, unless you have dragged her on holiday against her will.

ScottishIceCream · 29/08/2023 21:10

Did she want to go on the holiday? She's 19, the last place I'd want to be at 19 is on holiday with my mother.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 29/08/2023 21:16

Maybe she did not really want to come on the holiday or maybe she has things going on at home which are preoccupying her.

Dotcheck · 29/08/2023 21:21

Your 19 year old is not a child.
Are you on a holiday which is more appropriate for a younger child?
Is she at uni or a job?

UsingChangeofName · 29/08/2023 21:26

SeulementUneFois · 29/08/2023 20:24

Don't bend over backwards to cater to her.
If you want to do something and your younger daughter also does, just leave the 19 yo to it if she's sulking etc.

That will be the fastest way for her to see that being stroppy etc will only disadvantage her.

This.

I've always been of the thinking "You are here now. Up to you if you want to remain miserable or if you want to relax and enjoy it. No skin off my nose"

HellonHeels · 29/08/2023 21:26

She's realised she's an adult and that adult life is hard work. Her dad has gone, first holiday without him there. Her mum has turned into a control freak who expects compulsory smiley face and mum's behaviour has changed ie smoking.

The ground has gone out from under her, must be a shock. Leave her to it and dont expect the straightforward happiness of a little girl.

memyselfi · 29/08/2023 21:28

No 19 year old wants to be on holiday with their mum.

BillaBongGirl · 29/08/2023 21:31

The travel days of a holiday are the most stressful. Give it a day or two to get settled in and give her free rein over wherever you are staying.

Precipice · 29/08/2023 21:32

memyselfi · 29/08/2023 21:28

No 19 year old wants to be on holiday with their mum.

That's not true at all. I went on holiday with family at that age and for years afterward, and most of my uni friends were also going on family holidays. If you didn't want to, that's one thing, but don't assume your family arrangements are universal. Plenty of us liked our families and wanted to spend time with them.

OP, you've just arrived there. You're making far too much of a deal of your DD briefly looking unhappy on one day. We're all human. You say you've started smoking because of the stress and yet you seem unable to contemplate that your DD might be looking a bit down because she too is stressed or is having an off day. Come back if she looks like a kicked dog for the whole of the holiday.

Zanatdy · 29/08/2023 21:33

If she’s 19 and has a face on her, leave her at home. It’s not cheap to take people on holiday in summer hols. At her age she can go with friends

Zanatdy · 29/08/2023 21:33

memyselfi · 29/08/2023 21:28

No 19 year old wants to be on holiday with their mum.

That’s not true at all, my 19yr old son would come on holiday with me if I’m paying. My 29yr old son comes on holiday with me every time. I wouldn’t have wanted to go with my parents at 19, but everyone’s different

LakeTiticaca · 29/08/2023 21:43

ScottishIceCream · 29/08/2023 21:10

Did she want to go on the holiday? She's 19, the last place I'd want to be at 19 is on holiday with my mother.

Ditto

DragonFly98 · 29/08/2023 21:44

memyselfi · 29/08/2023 21:28

No 19 year old wants to be on holiday with their mum.

Of course they do.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/08/2023 21:45

memyselfi · 29/08/2023 21:28

No 19 year old wants to be on holiday with their mum.

@memyselfi

presumably she wasn’t forced

Original poster
Lill1e · 29/08/2023 22:08

She definitely wasn't forced and I begged her to bring a friend with her. Offered to pay etc but she said no. Yes it's her first holiday without her dad but her dad doesn't like holidays so we never went anywhere before this

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 29/08/2023 22:10

I know you are trying to do a nice thing but did she ask to go or you just decided it's a holiday so of course people want to go why wouldn't they type thing?

MidnightOnceMore · 29/08/2023 22:12

Maybe just give her a break. You said this I've spent a lot on this holiday and want everyone to enjoy it which is emotionally controlling.

You focus on you enjoying it and help the younger child do things they will enjoy. Let her focus on herself. You can't control her and shouldn't try.

It sounds like your family has had a tough time so a bit of tolerance won't go amiss.

10HailMarys · 29/08/2023 22:13

She’s not a child. She’s an adult who has outgrown your company.

And smoking is rank, so I’d also be pissed off if I was with a family member who lit up when they got off a plane after hiding their habit from me like a 13-year-old smoking behind the bike sheds.

ltappleby · 29/08/2023 22:16

It’s really annoying if someone is policing your fleeting facial expressions, my mother used to do it. Please don’t go down that route.

DDivaStar · 29/08/2023 22:21

If you don't do holidays usually she might just feel a bit out of place. Why not have a walk around together to familiarise yourselves. Maybe chat about what you all might want to do, but make it clear she can dip in and out if she wants.

Do address the smoking and confirm you know its not ideal.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 29/08/2023 22:25

Maybe she's sad because her parents have recently split up and she sees you stressed and now has seen you smoking and is worried you'll die?

Leave her be. Let her relax.

TheaBrandt · 29/08/2023 22:26

God that post about not expecting "the straightforward happiness of a little girl" really resonated with me. Im the eldest in my family and the summer I was 12 my parents basically yelled at me for an entire holiday for not being cheerful / appreciative enough. I genuinely didnt know what I was doing wrong - which with hindsight was basically not being a carefree jolly uncomplicated 7 year old any more.

Im so careful with my teens and have said I genuinely would rather they didnt come on holiday (stay with granny) than come reluctantly. They both opted to come and we all had a great time but you have to respect they are older with their own opinions and preferences.

SilverCatStripes · 29/08/2023 22:30

So home life has been so stressful you have started smoking - and you are wondering why your 19 year old is struggling ?

Take a step back and look at the situation objectively- it’s no wonder your daughter is feeling overwhelmed/sad/stressed too!

This is a good chance for you to start developing an adult friendship with her, after younger DD is in bed sit and have a glass of wine together and have a chat with her, start by seeing if you can make some nice plans for things to do whilst you are away.