To think 19 year old should cop on

[Lill1e]

Just arrived on holidays at the moment and 19 year old has a face like a wet weak. I've spent a lot on this holiday and want everyone ro enjoy it. Also since i split with her dad I've gone back on the fags cause of the stress of it all and I've been hiding it from her and younger child for ages. Tonight she saw me smoke after getting off the flight and I feel like a rotten mother! Why do children act like this and what more can I do to make sure she enjoys herself. Youngest is pure excited but conscious of the grumpy head on older sister.

I took my 19yo ds and 17yo dd on a very very expensive 4-day trip to Venice. Ds was in a vile mood the whole time and I felt very let down but tried to make the best of it for his sister. It transpired much later that he was breaking up with a girlfriend back home - but we recently had a conversation about the trip and he was totally unaware that he’d been such an arse. He said it was a lovely trip that he remembers very fondly... it made me feel better although i could have strangled him at the time.

basically there may be stuff you’re not aware of. Try to ignore the moods and have some good times anyway if you can. You may be able to look back and enjoy it retrospectively.

Nonsense. We had an amazing summer holiday with our 18 and 19y olds. We enjoy each other’s company, give each other space and have great meals out together. There is no sign of that stopping any time soon and my teens are already giving us ideas for next summer!

If this is a first family holiday for all of you maybe the pressure to be seen to enjoy it has gotten to both of you. Try and take a step back, both have a cup of tea and some chill time then try getting into holiday mode again. Maybe at 19 she just needs a bit of extra personal space too.

What’s wrong with a 19 year old going on holiday with their parents? Why do people act like things like this are weird? I’m close with my family and often holiday with them in my 30’s. Does that make me a weirdo? What a load of bollocks

It’s that MN thing where people generalise and can’t understand that people do things differently to them ;-)

All my kids’ friends have had family holidays this summer so we are not that unusual!

I've spent a lot on this holiday and want everyone to enjoy it.

You know you have absolutely no control over that? Money spent does not correlate with enjoyment. Her parents have broken up and her mum is clearly stressed. She might even have her own separate stuff going on that you are too distracted to acknowledge.

I agree with others that you're being a bit unfair to expect her to behave a certain way because you've spent lots of money, when family circumstances are tricky and she may be worried about you smoking (though: she may not. It might be you're importing your guilt here?).

Do you feel able to talk to her about this? She is 19, so she is young but she isn't a child. It might be she's finding it hard to work out what her new role is, in a family where she's newly an adult, and her parents have newly split up. You could build a bridge by treating her a bit more like a grown up, and explaining to her that you're aware that it's a rough time.

If it were me, I'd have a chat to her and just be honest: explain that you really wanted to treat her and you do hope she's having a good time. If she isn't, that's fine - but would she like to talk? If you really wanted to make her feel flattered and grown up, you could confide in her a bit. Perhaps explain you're struggling with the smoking but want to stop, or ask her how she thinks her younger sibling is doing? It's not so much that you need those answers - but asking the question might make her feel more as if she has a role to play within the family, which I suspect she needs now?

I'd cut her some slack on the basis that her childhood was a bit grim.