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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Travel with disabled DC and distant family

32 replies

NDfamily · 29/08/2023 17:30

Genuinely want to know if AIBU...

DH's extended family are not close to us geographically or emotionally. We've been married over a decade and I haven't met many of them. They didn't come to our wedding or other family events.

Extended family member is having a milestone birthday party. We are invited. We never travel anywhere with DC anymore really as they are both severely disabled.

DH announced to me that he is going and he'll take our kids (so I am not left trying to care for them myself). DC will hate it, it is significant travel and poses some (very genuine) risks. I always have to be the baddie with his family (so there is a background). Obviously I can't veto anyone going but I have serious reservations.

YABU - let DH get on with it, he can risk manage himself and deal with the kids causing havoc and being upset.

YANBU - say to DH that I really, really don't want the kids to go and
a) be bad guy preventing family seeing us
b) risk DH going himself and leaving me with increased caring responsibilities

Bonus option: suck it up and go with them even though it will be hell on Earth.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 29/08/2023 17:42

If it's his family, you haven't met them much, I'd say it was perfectly reasonable for him to say he'd like to go and leave you with the kids. I think it's quite nice that he's obviously thought about you and suggested he'd take the kids as well, which will be far harder for him and give you a break.

I'd either let him do that, or if you think it'll stress the kids out too much then say he goes on his own. By the sound of it he would be happy to do that for you if it was your family.

Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 18:21

@MargaretThursday he definitely would be happy to do it for me and my family, either way, he'd encourage me to go :)

That said, I wouldn't ask this of the DC or my DH in any combination for a ransom relative who has never made the effort to visit us. DH and I do have very different mindsets.

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 29/08/2023 18:35

Why are you not going?

Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 18:48

@Nevermind31 well, my husband weirdly announced it to me as "Carol is having a birthday party on [date], I'm going and I'll take the kids so you get a break".

I mean, I wouldn't want to go: screaming and behaving dangerously for long car trip (excess of 4hrs), attempted running out of hotel room / smashing up hotel room, lack of sleep (they're regularly up from 1am) made worse in unfamiliar environment, meltdowns at loud music, people we don't know trying to pretend they don't see DC slapping us...

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/08/2023 18:53

Could he take one child with him (the one who travels best maybe) and the other stay with you?

I think if he wants to go then ideally you should find a way for that to happen

Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 18:55

Sirzy · 29/08/2023 18:53

Could he take one child with him (the one who travels best maybe) and the other stay with you?

I think if he wants to go then ideally you should find a way for that to happen

Yes, I am being selfish here but the child left behind is the more difficult, but it would only be one weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 18:56

I think I have to examine why I feel so resentful over this, because I really do.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 29/08/2023 18:57

He should go, it’s his family and he hardly sees them. He’s offered to take the DC with which is very nice of him really. Either agree to this or keep the DC home with you and he goes alone.

Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:00

Eurgh, why am I so pissed off about it?

However, I have to say if either DC go, it 100% won't be for their benefit, it will cause upset and likely actual distress.

OP posts:
SleepWhenAmDead · 29/08/2023 19:02

Honestly, if you think DH can keep them alive and safe, let them go, I'm sure you deserve a break. It sounds very full on when they're at home.

Perhaps it doesn't matter if they don't have the best time. It sounds like most of the time you put them first. Accept the break xx

Overthebow · 29/08/2023 19:02

Which part of it are you pissed off about?

Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:10

Thank you @SleepWhenAmDead

@Overthebow I think it was partly the way it was announced (although think DH thought he was helping) and partly the fact that these people have never, ever made the effort to see us. Ever. Yet I feel like "we" (whichever combination of us) are expected to make an extraordinary effort to see them now and DH is fine with this.

The invite was sent through FIL, by email, and had (well I think) quite characteristically emotionally manipulative wording. FIL normally insists weirdly that his wife is copied into every communication with him, but will send stuff like this just to DH.

Feeling very petty now because I knew my reluctance was maybe more about my own feelings about my inlaws.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 29/08/2023 19:11

I don't think you can unilaterally decide he can't take them. The thing is you don't know for sure that it will cause them upset and distress. I think sometimes when you live a certain way ( I have two boys- now young men) with autism it is difficult to see any other way. You feel like you must be there so everything flows and the thing is you don't. You need to unclench and let him get on with it.
Is it the fact family might step in and give him a break? Or that he wants to do it without you?

Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:12

I also resent that DCs' feelings came last, but I am a bit of a martyr about this occasionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:13

@Stomacharmeleon I just worry. I know ultimately they will be kept safe by DH but like you said, we live a small existence and I keep thinking "but what if this happens?"

OP posts:
Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:17

DH definitely won't get a break, I am literally the only non paid person who can do that for him. DCs' needs can't be met by other lay people anymore.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 29/08/2023 19:20

Is you husband hands on 50/50 in day to day life or is most of it being left to you?

Thehonestbadger · 29/08/2023 19:21

I get it. As an autism mum, I get it.
No advice, you’re both entitled to your feelings and points of view but honestly, having children with disabilities and severe special needs changes the parenting dynamic so much that I think those not in your shoes will struggle to understand fully why you’re so unhappy about this.

CalistoNoSolo · 29/08/2023 19:23

Yes, you need to get a grip on yourself here. Take the offer, be grateful for the break it gives you, and try not to let your life get any smaller. Plan on doing something just for you that you don't get the chance to do anymore, even if it's just going for a walk.

Sirzy · 29/08/2023 19:24

NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:12

I also resent that DCs' feelings came last, but I am a bit of a martyr about this occasionally.

Sometimes as long as the children are safe and cared for you need to put your feelings first. This is obviously something important for your husband so you need to work with him to find the best of a not ideal bunch of ways to make it happen.

pizzaHeart · 29/08/2023 19:24

I would be completely pissed off in this situation. My DD has additional needs it’s probably less bad than yours however I absolutely hate when someone announces me that they are going to do this and that with DD as if it’s so easy. DH did this in the past and it’s always made me angry. Of course I couldn’t prove him to be wrong without this affecting DD, this was the main problem. So I always chose to be a bad guy, it’s not a problem for me.

In your place I wouldn’t let DC go. It sounds as a nightmare for them and for what? Had your DH ever took them to a birthday party or similar on his own locally?

Ladyj84 · 29/08/2023 19:30

Tbh let him go and take the kids. What a great dad, similar to my hubby he has taken all 4 once with him and they all had a merry time. The only reason I didn't go I was in bed with the flu that weekend. If you really really don't want to go he clearly is more than happy to take the children so jump at it they will have fun. It's not fair to put your troubles about it on him especially if he doesn't see his family much

Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:32

DH is 50/50 on the practical care (actually, he does more night wakings) but much less on the organising (EHCPs, care packages, chasing CAMHS or other services, schools, therapies etc) I am professionally qualified in this field and so I do these parts.

I don't think either of us has ever taken them both to a big birthday party by ourselves. We used to take them to playdates by ourselves, but that isn't practical anymore).

I sometimes take them to my mum's by myself but my mum sees them regularly and so they actually have a relationship and she's much closer geographically so car is less risky.

OP posts:
Original poster
NDfamily · 29/08/2023 19:37

Actually once, years ago, DH really wasn't well and I drove all the way up to my MIL's (she lives in same area as DH extended family) with kids for a few days. It was hard but we all technically survived! MIL drives me mad but she did take us in at great inconvenience to herself.

They are older and bigger now though ...

OP posts:
gogomoto · 29/08/2023 19:46

Take the break, and perhaps your dh wants his family to see just how tough your lives are!

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