Travel with disabled DC and distant family

[NDfamily]

Genuinely want to know if AIBU...

DH's extended family are not close to us geographically or emotionally. We've been married over a decade and I haven't met many of them. They didn't come to our wedding or other family events.

Extended family member is having a milestone birthday party. We are invited. We never travel anywhere with DC anymore really as they are both severely disabled.

DH announced to me that he is going and he'll take our kids (so I am not left trying to care for them myself). DC will hate it, it is significant travel and poses some (very genuine) risks. I always have to be the baddie with his family (so there is a background). Obviously I can't veto anyone going but I have serious reservations.

YABU - let DH get on with it, he can risk manage himself and deal with the kids causing havoc and being upset.

YANBU - say to DH that I really, really don't want the kids to go and
a) be bad guy preventing family seeing us
b) risk DH going himself and leaving me with increased caring responsibilities

Bonus option: suck it up and go with them even though it will be hell on Earth.

It's one weekend. You won't go with him so let him get on with it. The kids might surprise you and behave better than you think they might.

I wonder are you upset because your dh is going to be seen by his dfamily as the great hero who is struggling to manage his dc on his own to give you a break. Oh and they will think he never get a break. Where as the reality is you do basically all the mental burden of managing your lives along with a lot of the day to day . Bet he fully expects his family to take on the caring role for the weekend and you to deal with the mental strain of getting phonecalls saying the kids got upset on the journey or in the hotel room and not actually being able to do anything.

His family already see him as a hero and me as some sort of ineffective servant. Honestly, when we've stayed in the past (a long time ago), if I took the earliest shift in the night looking after the DC, then asked him to take over with his mum (for example), they'd say things like "I think you've had enough sleep, don't you be going back to bed".

When he dies this trip I will never hear the end of how amazing he is for giving me a break. What I do is always not counted.

*does not dies!

I can see why you feel this way, because it's lose-lose-lose.

He goes and is perceived as heroic (and has a crap exhausting time). People possibly think badly of you.

He goes without you. You have a crap weekend and people don't see the reality of how difficult it is to manage the children.

You go with him and you all have a crap time! And all for the big birthday of someone who doesn't reciprocate.

I'm sorry it's like this and as someone currently suffering my way through an EHCP, people absolutely do not get how much work and stress that is. I suspect the number of dad's doing that particular piece of paperwork is tiny, however "hands on" they are.

@Phineyj exactly!

DH does a lot of the visible stuff and his family constantly comment on it, it does make me want to scream "you know I did 10 hours of paperwork and meetings on top of my childcare duties last week".

In my case it's my own family who are the more annoying in that regard, but I get it.

Try and feel sorry for them. It's a shame some people expect so little of men and so much of women. Says more about them I guess.