Father's Day etiquette around those who lost their dad?

[Heatherland77]

If a friend of yours had lost their dad 18 months ago and also, lost their mum in January this year, would you share photos of the gift you got your dad for Father's Day and post it all over social media in front of her? Then talk endlessly about what a special relationship you have with your dad?

not directly no

you can't expect her to not say anything or post anything ever again

First part yes, second part no

Fathers day was ages ago want it? Or have I missed it?

Well I wouldn't tag her in it, but I wouldn't modify my posting because someone else's dad died 18 months ago, no.

No. But I don’t post Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day bragging shit anyway for that reason. And of course I don’t talk to recently bereaved friends about my lovely parents.

Depends: are they posting and talking on social media or are they doing this directly 1:1 to the person?

This.

Talk to you endlessly about what a wonderful relationship, no. But other people are allowed to post on social media about their dads.

Yes, because whatever is posted on social media is not really 'in front of her'.

I mean, it's just that person's SM that they've seen when they've logged into their own.

Upsetting for her of course, but she'll have a duty of care to herself and that will include careful internet usage while she's still grieving.

I don’t see a problem with posting on social media. Especially if the friend is a sharer generally on social media. It’s not really posting on social media ‘in front of her’, as (I assume) the aim isn’t to show the friend specifically. If you’re bothered by what your friends are posting on social media then it’s down to you to mute or unfollow them. Many things could be upsetting or triggering for various people on social media (pregnancy/birth announcements, diagnoses of illnesses, house purchases, marriages, holidays) but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be posted if people want to share that.

Endlessly talking about their special relationship with their father is insensitive in context of a friend whose father has died, and bizarre otherwise.

Nothing wrong with the posting photos part tbh - the talking about the special relationship bit is more of a grey area.

If someone's parent died 18 months ago, they can't avoid conversations about parents and how other people deal with theirs (how good or bad the relationship is!) forever. I understand it must be hard for the person who lost parents, it may seem insensitive too, but unfortunately other peoples lives don't stop and change in the same way as when someone loses a family member.

My dad has passed away, I wouldn’t expect anyone to alter their posting on social media. I wouldn’t really expect it to cross their minds to at all. I wouldn’t appreciate someone prattling on about their father and their relationship to me

If they’re showing you photos and talking about it directly to you then that’s insensitive, but on social media it’s fine. I wouldn’t expect others to change what they’d put on social media.

OP, I understand you're still grieving, but you need to get past this

I lost my dad when I was 11 (27 years ago) and over the years, I've learned to be happy for those who have a good relationship with their dad

It does you no good to hold on to such negativity

They discussed their dad and gift directly with the person fully knowing of the recent loss. Literally "Look at the heart shaped pizza I've sent my dad", aren't I a lovely daughter etc etc.

No-one cares what you buy your parents. No-one but you. Grow up.

After my Dad died, I didn’t expect people to modify their social media behaviour but I did feel a bit miffed at the friend who gave me chapter and verse (in person) on how much her children get from their relationship with her Dad.

You lost your dad 18 months ago so it wasn't the 1st year without them, she probably didn't really realise that showing you what she'd bought would upset you. I assume you are the person who lost their dad in this case given how long ago fathers day was, it's a bit odd to still be stewing over this over 2 months later.

People find it difficult to know what to say around death, loss. Maybe the friend didn't want to avoid mentioning her dad so that it didn't seem like she was being awkward or walking on eggshells. She might just have been having a normal conversation.

Yes I would (if I had a dad, which I don't). I wouldn't hold it against my friends or family.

I wouldn't post that stuff on social media, but if I did, I would not censor it because one person might see it and be upset (why? lots of us have dead parents, we don't resent the fact that other people's are still living).

The social media bit is okay. It was the shoving it in the face of the person who'd recently lost both parents. I was stunned to be honest.

I don't post things like this on social media anyway but I wouldn't modify what I posted in this circumstance. Staying away from social media on meaningful occasions is probably a good idea.

You said this person talked endlessly about the special relationship with their dad so how many times has this happened? Have you told them it's upsetting you? I wouldn't speak to you like that personally but it's not the first Father's Day since the loss so they probably don't realise it's still difficult for you.

It’s insensitive of her to brag about her loving dad to someone who has lost theirs no matter how long it’s been since the loss in my opinion. That is not to say you can’t ever mention your parents in fear of hurting others, you just don’t have to go on and on to someone who is grieving if you know what I mean. At the end of the day you could be triggering people every day without even knowing - a stroll to the park with your child would be triggering to those who have lost a child/can’t have kids. A coffee with a friend is upsetting to those who don’t have friends. I lost my best friend and mum nearly 16 years ago and I’ve learned how to cope around those tricky days like Mother’s Day, birthdays, even Christmas. A sentence like “just popping over to see my mum on Boxing Day, well, it is Christmas after all” could absolutely floor me in the past. People don’t mean to be rude but there are many many triggers in life. Over the years you will learn to accept that it’s not their mum you want, it’s yours. They can have their mums all they want, it’s not the same as mine. I was blessed with a best friend for 25 years - I was the luckiest. Now I’m not lucky anymore but I’m coping.

I lost my Dad less than 12 months ago . I had difficult relationship with him and it was all very upsetting. My friend recently ( 1 month ago) talked about her visit to parents and about her special relationship with her Dad and how he was helping her with her first child. It’s the main topic of conversation for nearly an hour and there were only 3 of us so quite intense. It didn’t even occurred to me that she should have not talked about it.
And yes, I often cry at home alone about my Dad and our relationship but other people are entitled to talk about their Dads.
In this situation person who lost their Dad could say that this topic was upsetting for them.