Toxic sister? | Mumsnet

BeachHutCornwall · 2023-08-29T11:13:07+00:00

Good morning all, Posting here for traffic, I admit! It is my first post, but longtime lurker Sister is 2 year older than me, and she has done everything to knock my self esteem and turn other people against me and its really taking its toll on me now we are approaching middle age As kids, at home, I would get beat up daily by her, stealing my stuff - she made my life an absolute misery and at school she would spread rumors etc. There was no escape from her - but that is all history, but this behavior's continued after we left home So, as adults - we had been in sporadic contact, and I hadn't been in contact with my sister for about two years, and last year we got back in contact and I thought she had changed - and she acted nice for a while - when it was just me and her - however her behavior's changes entirely when my Husband is in the room Over the past few months, it has become obvious that she hasn't changed - not one bit. She is still, after all these years, very verbally and physically aggressive She will come round my house unannounced and make very disparaging comments to my husband about me (whilst I am in the room) - 'what did you marry *^THAT^* for' - 'how do you put up with ^HER^?' ....and I am not assertive (I am the opposite to her) and these comments always flabbergast me, and I do not know what to say. I cannot have a reasonable conversation with her, as she will just get aggressive, or do the typical gaslight thing like 'oh it was only a joke...stop being moody' How do I handle this? Like I say I am not assertive, and anything I do say is highly likely to result in her hurling threats and abuse. She literally lives two minutes walk from me

Original poster

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 12:14

and to add, my Husband thinks she's behaving appalling but he is reluctant to get involved directly in any argument, as he is unassertive too

OP posts:

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 29/08/2023 12:14

Start looking your door. She doesn't get over the threshold. Ever.

annalouise1984 · 29/08/2023 12:15

She will come round my house unannounced

Lock the door and refuse her entry?

TibetanTerrah · 29/08/2023 12:16

If you're not assertive just don't let her in? She's going to kick off either way you know. So either give her a piece of your mind and blow the relationship up (and feel better for it) or just ghost her/cut her off without a word (but she will push and nag and keep turning up and cause you more stress...)

Either way she is toxic and horrible and turns your hurt around on you.

If you can find your anger and call her out, she'll think the falling out was her idea and leave you alone!

DinnaeFashYersel · 29/08/2023 12:17

I agree with others lock the door and don't answer it.

DingDongDenny · 29/08/2023 12:20

She is bringing nothing to your life and is clearly getting a kick out of hurting you. I would go no contact.

You never need to see her again - wouldn't that be nice?

Original poster

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 12:21

TibetanTerrah · 29/08/2023 12:16

If you're not assertive just don't let her in? She's going to kick off either way you know. So either give her a piece of your mind and blow the relationship up (and feel better for it) or just ghost her/cut her off without a word (but she will push and nag and keep turning up and cause you more stress...)

Either way she is toxic and horrible and turns your hurt around on you.

If you can find your anger and call her out, she'll think the falling out was her idea and leave you alone!

I think you're spot on. She wont let it be.

and the thing is, we live so near that we are likely to run into each other

Part of me thinks she is hoping for a reaction from me

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Quitelikeit · 29/08/2023 12:22

I’m flabbergasted that you tolerate this I truly hope that your children do not witness these dreadful comments

next time you say

Thats a bit rude

or a long hard stare followed by are you ok?

Quitelikeit · 29/08/2023 12:22

What do your parents think?

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 12:24

OK, there's 'unassertive' and there's off-the-scale martyrdom. You and your husband are in the latter category. If you are allowing yourself to be treated like this by your sister, or anyone else in your life, I would honestly suggest that you get some counselling or therapy to help you understand boundaries and deal with confrontation.

You need to tell your sister that she isn't welcome in your house, or in your lives, any more. She's a disgusting bully. Message her on WhatsApp or Facebook if you can't bring yourself to say it to her.

If you can't cope with that, next time she comes round and says something vile, then say 'I won't be spoken to like that, I've told you before that it's not acceptable so please leave now'. And then if she accuses you of being moody or over-sensitive, say 'So what? This is our house and we're entitled to set whatever boundaries we want to. And I'm telling you to leave now.'

Block her on all social media and don't let her in if she comes round again. If she keeps trying to come round, tell her clearly in writing (keep a copy) that she must not contact you again, and if she doesn't respect that, then go to the police and report her for harassment.

Original poster

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 12:28

Quitelikeit · 29/08/2023 12:22

I’m flabbergasted that you tolerate this I truly hope that your children do not witness these dreadful comments

next time you say

Thats a bit rude

or a long hard stare followed by are you ok?

What children?

OP posts:

Original poster

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 12:30

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 12:24

OK, there's 'unassertive' and there's off-the-scale martyrdom. You and your husband are in the latter category. If you are allowing yourself to be treated like this by your sister, or anyone else in your life, I would honestly suggest that you get some counselling or therapy to help you understand boundaries and deal with confrontation.

You need to tell your sister that she isn't welcome in your house, or in your lives, any more. She's a disgusting bully. Message her on WhatsApp or Facebook if you can't bring yourself to say it to her.

If you can't cope with that, next time she comes round and says something vile, then say 'I won't be spoken to like that, I've told you before that it's not acceptable so please leave now'. And then if she accuses you of being moody or over-sensitive, say 'So what? This is our house and we're entitled to set whatever boundaries we want to. And I'm telling you to leave now.'

Block her on all social media and don't let her in if she comes round again. If she keeps trying to come round, tell her clearly in writing (keep a copy) that she must not contact you again, and if she doesn't respect that, then go to the police and report her for harassment.

Re your first paragraph - I know. I have zero self esteem - it is a real problem

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TibetanTerrah · 29/08/2023 12:37

I think you have to think about what you want at the end of this. That might be a good relationship with your sister, but that isn't going to happen. So probably for her to leave you alone and NC with each other.

Then you have to think about the most likely way to get this. She sounds manipulative, and as you said she won't let it lie. Will she badmouth you to family/locally if you somehow manage to stand up to her? Do you care?

Original poster

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 12:41

TibetanTerrah · 29/08/2023 12:37

I think you have to think about what you want at the end of this. That might be a good relationship with your sister, but that isn't going to happen. So probably for her to leave you alone and NC with each other.

Then you have to think about the most likely way to get this. She sounds manipulative, and as you said she won't let it lie. Will she badmouth you to family/locally if you somehow manage to stand up to her? Do you care?

Id really like a good relationship with her, but I don't think that will happen. We are opposites in every way and i cannot imagine that i would choose her to be a friend if we were not related

She will definitely bad mouth me to anyone who will listen - and whilst i would rather this did not happen, there's not a lot I can do

OP posts:

LongDarkTeatime · 29/08/2023 12:59

Really feeling for you @BeachHutCornwall
I have a similarly toxic sister. She’s over 5 yrs older than me so could really do damage when she got violent when I was little. As she was older she was able to control the situation and turn it around on me. This only stopped (to my face) when I cut her out of my life. It was difficult, and she still lied about me to others, but life was so much nicer without her.
After 10 yrs a bereavement meant we had to re-connect. She was OK for a year, then I had to disagree about something and it all came back. Appalling accusations and lies. Cutting her out this time has cut me off more from family but it’s still worth it. While there was no point standing up to her face to face (we live far apart) I’m able to stand taller for myself again.
Please take care of yourself x

Original poster

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 13:04

LongDarkTeatime · 29/08/2023 12:59

Really feeling for you @BeachHutCornwall
I have a similarly toxic sister. She’s over 5 yrs older than me so could really do damage when she got violent when I was little. As she was older she was able to control the situation and turn it around on me. This only stopped (to my face) when I cut her out of my life. It was difficult, and she still lied about me to others, but life was so much nicer without her.
After 10 yrs a bereavement meant we had to re-connect. She was OK for a year, then I had to disagree about something and it all came back. Appalling accusations and lies. Cutting her out this time has cut me off more from family but it’s still worth it. While there was no point standing up to her face to face (we live far apart) I’m able to stand taller for myself again.
Please take care of yourself x

Thank you - it sounds like you have very similar story to mine.
Except I need to actually deal with mine, rather than letting it make me feel even more like crap than I already do.
I do need to face this, I know I do - and it will result in a face to face confrontation.

In the past, when we haven't been in contact - she has spotted me in the shop and have even had her screaming insults in Tesco

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 29/08/2023 13:07

Be happy that you got the nice genes and that you lucked out with your solid husband.
Be sad for your sister that she is such a horrible person.

See her as little as you can.

Don't take anything to heart.
Enjoy your friends and the lovely people in your families.

Nicole1111 · 29/08/2023 13:08

Do yourself a favour and read overcoming low self esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell. Hopefully that will give you the confidence to put some boundaries in, for instance not allowing this woman in to your home.

Sicario · 29/08/2023 13:16

I also have a highly toxic sister. I was blind to her behaviour for years, made countless excuses for her, but she got worse and worse as we got older. I finally went NC with her about 6 years ago and my life is all the better for it.

I recommend you look up Dr Ramani on youtube and seek out her videos on toxic siblings.

Remind yourself that you sister's behaviour is not your fault.

She does not have the ability to self-reflect, to accept any fault on her part, or to change her behaviour.

You will always be blamed, lied about, and slagged off behind your back.

The reasons don't matter because there is nothing you can do about it.

She will never change.

There is no point in your trying to explain your point of view. She won't hear a word of it and will just kick off as usual.

NellyBarney · 29/08/2023 13:46

Just try it and explode! Next time she makes a hurtful comment, go ballistic, shout that she is an evil, ugly cunt, push her out of your door, smash the door in her face while you tell her he'll will freeze over before she is ever welcomed in your home again. Believe me, you will feel sooooo much better afterwards.

LongDarkTeatime · 29/08/2023 13:55

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 13:04

Thank you - it sounds like you have very similar story to mine.
Except I need to actually deal with mine, rather than letting it make me feel even more like crap than I already do.
I do need to face this, I know I do - and it will result in a face to face confrontation.

In the past, when we haven't been in contact - she has spotted me in the shop and have even had her screaming insults in Tesco

Show quote history

Really feel for you @BeachHutCornwall
For a while I used to have my phone on me to records my sisters outbursts (obvs she’d deny them later). Never played them to anyone else but thought it’d be good ‘evidence’ if I did. Always wondered what her reaction would be if she heard herself as believe she had no idea as this was her normal way to treat me. She hated me as she was ‘the baby if the family’ until I came along.

When your DH is there to back you up, could you calmly ask your Sis why she hates/ thinks so little of/ demeans you? Sounds like jealousy to me.
I wouldn’t ‘blow up’ as that’ll give her something to criticise you for. Just stay calm and be curious.

Reeceseggaddict · 30/04/2024 13:24

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 13:04

Thank you - it sounds like you have very similar story to mine.
Except I need to actually deal with mine, rather than letting it make me feel even more like crap than I already do.
I do need to face this, I know I do - and it will result in a face to face confrontation.

In the past, when we haven't been in contact - she has spotted me in the shop and have even had her screaming insults in Tesco

Show quote history

You sound like you need to get an injunction if she starts screaming abuse in public.. she sounds unhinged..

in the meantime, lock your door & tell her your husband needs peace due to a very private family matter you’re dealing with. She is full of drama and don’t enter into it with her.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/04/2024 13:27

why do you let her in?

Akamai · 30/04/2024 13:34

BeachHutCornwall · 29/08/2023 12:41

Id really like a good relationship with her, but I don't think that will happen. We are opposites in every way and i cannot imagine that i would choose her to be a friend if we were not related

She will definitely bad mouth me to anyone who will listen - and whilst i would rather this did not happen, there's not a lot I can do

Show quote history

This is never going to happen, trust me.

I have a similar sister. I've had to accept that we will never have a relationship.

Blood is not always thicker than water, her dislike was set in stone when I was a child, and she was a middle child.

Never let her in your house again and go no contact.

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 30/04/2024 13:40

If you wouldn't chose her as a friend why on earth do you let her into your life just because she's your sister? If she has a key change the locks, don't let her in and block her.