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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask would you look for long lost relatives? Or would you want to be found?

44 replies

Ohforfox · 29/08/2023 09:30

I'll summarise.

Both my parents are dead. My father died when I was a young child and I never had any contact with his side of the family until they sent me a letter when I was 12 which I didn't know what to do with & ignored. I have never spoken to them but know they lived close to where I live now. 10miles or so away. I also have a half brother who was adopted at birth on my dad's side - he is about a year older than me but I presume he would have his mother's name which I don'tknow, I have his first name at birth (which may have been changed) and a year of birth but that's all. I've been thinking about it recently and wondered, if you were on the other side of this would you be looking for me? Would you want to be contacted? I'm unsure where to start anyway but curious.

OP posts:

AuntieMarys · 29/08/2023 09:37

Dh has a similar family situation but is adamant he doesn't want any contact or information. His father was a dreadful man though.

PragmaticWench · 29/08/2023 09:40

It's really hard to know how someone might feel or react to being contacted. I had relatives contact me out of the blue last year and whilst it wasn't bad, it did cause some issues with my wider family. I suppose that's why there are charities who help and guide people who have been estranged due to adoption etc.

Original poster

Ohforfox · 29/08/2023 10:47

I feel similarly that I should let things lie & I'll be no worse off for not knowing. I also do feel bad about the letter not being responded to but I was a young child and didn't know what to do or how to feel. I'm not looking to add myself into a new family, I suppose I'm just curious & that's not enough of a reason to throw a grenade into someone's life.

OP posts:

Myyearmytime · 29/08/2023 10:50

Do a dna test and see what happens.

madeinmanc · 29/08/2023 10:51

What's the reason they are a half sibling? Are they older or younger? It could affect whether or not they want contact, e.g. if there was an affair or a bad divorce.

Verymodestmouse · 29/08/2023 10:53

My dp is in a similar situation. I was contacted by one of his relatives asking to confirm if he was ok. He asked me not to respond. I feel bad for her. There is no beef between him and that family, he’s just not interested in having contact with them.

mylittleyumyum · 29/08/2023 10:54

I was sought out by an over-exuberant half-sister who I entertained for too long (I'm a people pleaser)

She felt she clicked immediately with me but I was more reticent. She wanted to see me constantly. Her personality was just too much and my quiet life was disrupted quite a bit.

The guilt I felt upon dropping her was awful - but she would not respect my boundaries. I'm happier now I've gone back to the way I was.

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 11:28

I think there's a big difference in being contacted and being expected to have some sort of sibling relationship.

If I had a half-sibling I'd never met and they contacted me, I'd be happy to speak to them and fill in any gaps in their knowledge of their family history and I'm sure I'd happily meet them for a chat.

But I wouldn't want to feel obliged to have an ongoing relationship with them - if we clicked, then great, it's all good, that's obviously the ideal scenario. But if they came to me with the expectation that we'd be close and that my relationship with them would be the same as it would with a sibling I'd been brought up with, I'd be wary. There's no reason that I would connect with them or enjoy their company just because we were related, and if I found them difficult or just felt nothing for them, I wouldn't want to be pushed to have regular contact with them.

StrawberryWater · 29/08/2023 11:54

I did this with my mothers side of the family and discovered my grandparents were assholes and my aunt a sanctimonious blowhard. I can see why my mother cut them all off!

TigerRag · 29/08/2023 12:25

My mum did this. She discovered she has 3 half siblings. She's visited them a few times and her dad and step mum have visited too.

Apricotton · 29/08/2023 12:32

I’ve tracked down quite a few relatives over the years, with varying outcomes. Just be prepared that you might not get a good reception and you might hear things you’d rather not hear.

Mountainpika · 29/08/2023 12:37

We found my adopted husband's birth mother and the two children she had later. (Very young and forced adoption) It's worked out very well for us. All one family now. But it won't for everyone. But you'll never know unless you try.

Hbh17 · 29/08/2023 12:39

In answer to the questions, no and no.
I think families are best kept out of the picture, or at a very long distance. Everyone will have their own personal choice.

BellaJuno · 29/08/2023 12:53

It’s an unanswerable question really. Someone got in touch with me asking about a family member of mine which I’ve ignored as I’m sure it’ll open a can of worms I don’t want to deal with. Maybe it’s selfish but I’ve got my family and have no interest or desire to expand it. I’ve blocked this person but I know they’ve contacted others close to me which has annoyed me.

user1492757084 · 29/08/2023 12:54

Yes and Yes.
Two people close to me have found long lost family members.
The results were both very positive. The situation is what it is - you either know about it or not. I would prefer to know.
If it is about me I'd want to know.
Meeting new people doesn't mean any person will intrude into your life or have day to day dealings with you unless you want that.
I love Ancestry DNA type connection stories too.
If you are curious, brave and diligent you will find what you want to find. You will still be you but you will know more about your parents reasoning, your grandparents' struggles etc and have more understanding of your social history.

My friends had positive endings but I will qualify that they found very normal, everyday, run of the mill, working class people who were their relatives. They were thrilled. They didn't need to find out that their father was a famous criminal or a prince etc - just to find their actual family was transformitive for them.

Original poster

Ohforfox · 29/08/2023 13:05

I don't know the half sibling reason - I know they were placed for adoption at birth by their mother however they are from my father's side. I know nothing more than this. I believe I was conceived shortly after them, I think there is potentially 10months between us from memory. My own mother knew no other details but tried to give me all the information she did know. I have built a life for myself and don't feel that anything is lacking, it is purely curiosity & wondering if they're still looking for me. I have no memory of my father he died when I was young so only know snippets about him from before my mum passed away. I am relatively young in my early 30's so a lot of his family would still be alive. I suppose I wonder if they're looking for me. Especially my half sibling - he wouldn't know I exist as I suspect our fathers name won't be on his birth certificate & I wasn't born until after he was adopted.

OP posts:

Elsiebear90 · 29/08/2023 13:07

Not for me, my dad fell out with his entire family shortly after I was born, one of my cousins found me on Facebook and tried to start contact between herself and her mum and myself and my dad, but I really wasn’t interested, neither was my Dad. I don’t see them as family, I know we share DNA, but I don’t have any desire to have a relationship with any of them (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) if I passed them in the street I wouldn’t recognise any of them (other than the one that added me on Facebook). They’re like strangers to me.

LlynTegid · 29/08/2023 13:09

I would want to be, assuming that the person or persons wished to contact me.

Halo8 · 29/08/2023 13:12

Definitely not for me, either way around. I’m happy with my lot and have no desire to rock the boat.

Teaandbiscuits60 · 29/08/2023 13:23

It’s a no from me. I am adopted and don’t want to know . I started looking into my background in my 40s and found my birth mother. She was not very pleasant and lied to me through a mediator. I hope none of her children find me. But I. Believe she’s dead now so it’s unlikely, I am in my 60s now. Her lies and indecision caused me so much pain, I want nothing to do with her. It caused me a lifetime of pain,

cocksstrideintheevening · 29/08/2023 13:25

I'm adopted and don't want to be contacted. My adopted sister got in touch with her biological father and it was a bit of a mess.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 29/08/2023 13:27

I work with someone who was contacted by her brother. Their parents had him before they married and she knew nothing of him.

All get on great!

I'd have no problem with this myself.

TheNorthWind · 29/08/2023 13:34

Myyearmytime · 29/08/2023 10:50

Do a dna test and see what happens.

This is smart. If I knew I had family members out there in circumstances such as you describe OP and I was hopeful that they might one day make contact, this is the very first thing I'd do. It's probably the easiest and lowest pressure way to become findable.

If I didn't want contact, it's the absolute last thing I'd do, but it doesn't necessarily follow that if no match shows up they aren't interested.

Aranas · 29/08/2023 13:45

I don't know my biological dad. He was a relationship that ended amicably, mum remembers his name but that's about it (although I haven't asked what it is). I know I have at least one half-sibling, but I don't want to hear from any of them, or find them myself. I know he was a good, hardworking, nice man, but I just don't want to know. If I had contact I would politely say I'm not interested, but that's just me.

Original poster

Ohforfox · 29/08/2023 15:25

This is really interesting hearing from people on both sides! The general consensus is to leave well alone which I thought it would be. I could potentially go down the DNA route then I suppose its out of my hands but I've made myself available for anyone who wants to find me.

OP posts:

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