I will try to keep this as short as possible whilst giving all the relevant information.
2.5 years ago after I gave birth to our second child and I was on maternity leave (from self employment) I discovered that my then-DP had been having an affair. I also discovered, after he had done a runner in the middle of the night, that he hadn't been paying the rent. He had left me with over £2500 in rent arrears that I had no idea about.
I made a single person's claim for universal credit shortly after he left so I could try to remain in the flat and show commitment to the landlord. I had been self employed (in a low skilled position earning not much more than NMW) up until the birth of my second child and we had been paying the rent through our wages 50/50 on a joint tenancy. I had a small amount of savings put aside to contribute my part of the rent whilst on maternity and he was supposed to be covering the rest. He didn't.
Within a few months I'd had a complete nervous breakdown, developed a chronic illness, lost my dad very suddenly in a traumatic way and wasn't looking after myself properly. I wasn't coping with the children so to stop them being taken away (as i was convinced they would be) I allowed him to move back in when he realised the grass wasn't greener with OW.
So this is where I fucked it all up.
Because of what he'd done to us with the rent I had no trust left in him and did not want to have to rely on any contributions from him to keep a roof over our heads. He had shown me that he could dissappear in the middle of the night, literally, and pull the rug from under our feet at a moments notice - yet I was genuinely unable to work and felt as though I needed him around as I wasn't capable of being a "good enough" mum without his support.
There are reasons for that which has its own backstory, not entirely relevant to the thread but I will go into it If necessary. Long history of abuse stemming back to my childhood and the associated MH problems and lack of self esteem you'd expect from that. However mainly it was the fact that our eldest child is disabled which makes the usual parenting struggles 10 x harder. There have been many times I have felt that I just couldn't go on and was thready to throw the towel in.
I didn't feel, or atleast was made to feel that I wouldn't be able to do any of it without him and had convinced myself, with some help from him I'm sure, that i would lose the children in one way or another.
So, I reasoned with myself that because we weren't a "proper" couple IE no longer shared a bed and I only had him there for support with the children somehow that made it OK. Of course I realise that it doesn't and I was just deluding myself so I could sleep better at night and bury my head in the sand. I'm almost certain that it would be seen as LTAMC after looking into the criteria and examples as he does contribute to the household in terms of shopping and giving me money for things the children need, food etc.
A handful of times I sat him down and said I wanted to update the claim to reflect the fact he was living with me and he was always vehemently against it. This is obviously because he doesn't want to be responsible for supporting us financially and still has one foot out of the door.
I can understand that really as there's no love/affection/intimacy between us and we are living as friends who get on one another's nerves half the time. We haven't shared a bed in years. He is either on the sofa or, his preference, an inflatable mattress in the living room. I was in touch with women's aid some time ago with regards to emotional abuse throughout the relationship and actually with the benefit of hindsight and counselling I think he has only ever contributed to my mental health problems.
With all that being said, he doesn't have great prospects when it comes to being able to afford and finance accommodation for himself. He's a low earner (only just above NMW) and we live in an expensive part of the country that he would never move away from. He would be able to afford a room in a house share, at best, so of course this current arrangement suits him just fine. It would, wouldn't It? In all likelihood he would go and lodge on his DF's sofa and probably use that as an excuse as to why he can never have the kids because you know, cock lodger
As is usually the case when somebody buries their head in the sand, things have snowballed. The longer it has gone on the more worried I've got and It has gotten to the point now that I am more scared of going to prison than I am of being on my with the kids. Either way I'm screwed.
So what the hell do I do now?
Do I come clean to the DWP and hope to god that goes in my favour? This is what I'm leaning heavily towards although they would understandably stop my benefits and no longer pay the rent. He doesn't earn enough to even pay the rent himself as it is £350 more than his total monthly take home so eventually I would lose the flat anyway.
Do I tell him I don't care what he says and I'm adding his details onto the claim as of now so that atleast from this point onwards the amount reflects what the actual entitlement would be? That would probably trigger an investigation in itself.
Or do I get him to move out and just say nothing at all repay my debt to the community somehow? This is the option I'm least in favour of as it's just more burying my head in the sand, isn't it? But I'm scared.
I think whatever happens I'm going to lose the kids as if I go to prison he isn't going to take them on himself. He's obsessed with working nights and his DF would never let him have them there. There's no way the landlord would ever let him back on the tenancy here.
I think I'd benefit from speaking to a solicitor so I'm going to make some enquiries and see whether this free 30 mins consultant we hear of is really a thing.
On an ending note I just want to say that dispite claiming incorrectly, at no point have I been living lavishly. I don't have flash technology, I don't smoke or drink, no nights out, all of my clothes are second hand the cost of living has absolutely flattened this household in spite of his wage coming in. I don't see the vast, vast majority of it or even know what he spends it on.
The shit part is - if I would have altered the claim to reflect him being present at the earliest opportunity we would have almost certainly been entitled to some financial help as he's a low earner. Of course I let him convince me that we wouldn't be but I've done my research now and know that we would have.
I've donned my hard hat and will accept the inevitable bashing as its nothing less than I deserve, although I am hoping for some genuine advice in amongst it for how I sort out this whole mess in the way that's going to cause the least amount of fallout for my DC.
Thank you 🙁