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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends massive lie

75 replies

jardzia · 29/08/2023 00:39

i started a new job a year ago and it’s long 13hr shifts but with not much to do. I work as a receptionist in an office building that has a canteen and a bar that opens at four. The bar man works in the canteen for a couple of hours and has an hour free till he opens the bar, let’s call him Charlie. He always comes and speaks to me in his hour off and it’s a great break for me in the crazy long shift. When he first started speaking to me I didn’t quite believe him , I told my partner that I believed he made up his boyfriend and the fact he had a cat, sounds mad but he told me that when he was away the friend looking after his cat would just throw food in a room that it stays in and shut the door! I couldn’t help thinking about the litter tray? Also their was an office worker he was good friends with who loved cats and I thought he made up the cat story so he would like him, harmless enough I thought. But he’d apparently just got engaged to this boyfriend when I’d just started there but never really talked about him, he was always out every night and much more interested in telling me about that. In our speech we always pepper it with well my partner says this or thinks, does that but that never really happened with Charlie. I kept quiet and watched how other people who had worked there longer than me reacted to him, I was waiting for someone to come up to me and tell me not to believe a word he said but everyone loved him and they all had good relationships with him. I relaxed and got to know him as a good friend as he is a lovely person but my suspicions were always there. The wedding was suddenly in place within 6 months which seamed quick and was planned for pride weekend at my city. We all waited for invites that didn’t come till 2 weeks before the date so I didn’t buy an outfit just in case. The wedding invite was basic without hardly any information on it , I bought an outfit as there were so many people who had known him longer than me going and no one was calling bullshit. I checked the week before about the venue and found it was shut for a refurbishment so asked him he said it was still open for weddings he said he didn’t know what room so he would meet everyone outside to take us as he couldn’t remember where the door was. Even reading this makes me feel like a fool but there was a lot of us who we’re going. We we’re supposed to be going for food at a nearby restaurant and then a bar that was in pride which he said he had passes for us to get in for free. Also he said they’d been shopping for a ring but never wore it as he didn’t want to loose it in his catering job, he put it on on a night out but it looked a bit scuffed to me but it was a busy night out so didn’t think much about it till later. Anyway cut till the morning of the wedding when we get a txt saying wedding is totally off as his boyfriends , niece’s young son is in hospital with breathing problems and not expected to last the day! There has been silence on the wedding group chat though about 3 people expressed concerns about the child, not spoke to anyone as waiting to speak face to face, I don’t know what anyone believes. It’s hard because it’s work but I can’t sit there and show sympathy for such a lie ! It’s such a shame because we all loved him and he had no need to do this, know he always did like all the attention on him but thought he was just an extrovert but he brought so many people together who wouldn’t even have talked to each other if it wasn’t for him so don’t know what to do

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 29/08/2023 08:52

I used to work with someone like this . He lied about things and it was so obvious that what he was saying was untrue. He came across like a young teenage boy trying to impress his mates with feats of bravery etc, but he was a grown man in his 30s. I started challenging him over the lies he was telling and he would get very defensive and start mumbling excuses.
I concluded he must have some sort of personality disorder.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 29/08/2023 08:57

Lamelie · 29/08/2023 03:23

I think you need to take a novel to work. If you’re this invested in someone else’s life you must be very bored.

The OP is very bored, said so in the original post.

OP, can you return the outfit and get your money back?

Put it down to experience (we've all met people who take you in with their made up nonsense) nod and smile and continue to be (cautious) friends. He sounds like a bit of a fruit loop / fantasist. Enjoy your time with him but don't invest too much emotion in his life or stories.

Thisismeyeah · 29/08/2023 08:58

Cant you call the venue to check? I know you said it was closed but there may be someone who you can ask.

Lamelie · 29/08/2023 09:00

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 29/08/2023 08:57

The OP is very bored, said so in the original post.

OP, can you return the outfit and get your money back?

Put it down to experience (we've all met people who take you in with their made up nonsense) nod and smile and continue to be (cautious) friends. He sounds like a bit of a fruit loop / fantasist. Enjoy your time with him but don't invest too much emotion in his life or stories.

Good advice and yes of course the time and money invested makes this a bigger deal than just workplace gossip.

Butchyrestingface · 29/08/2023 09:00

Is the AIBU about the cat or the wedding that wasn't?

Aworldofwonder · 29/08/2023 09:04

I've come across two of these people and my advice is to keep your distance.

Beddeb · 29/08/2023 09:12

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

ActDottie · 29/08/2023 09:32

extrasushiplease · 29/08/2023 02:29

YABU for not making paragraph breaks.

this! Was very hard to follow and read

People lie for all sorts of reasons he may just be incredibly insecure and this is how he’s got through life. I wouldn’t judge someone for a lie this big as it is kinda harmless to other people.

He clearly has issues about how he views himself which is really sad :(

ErosandAgape · 29/08/2023 09:58

But there’s zero hard evidence this man was actually lying about anything, surely.

There’s a cancelled wedding, sure, but people do cancel weddings at the last minute, not necessarily for the reason given — his fiancé may have decided he didn’t want to marry him, that it was too much too soon, or any number of reasons. There may well be a sick child, but that may not be the reason the wedding was cancelled.

Back in the days before the internet and mobiles, I was once the bridesmaid who had to phone 200 wedding guests a few days before the date to say it was off (groom pulled out — I can’t remember what I agreed with the bride I would actually say to people, but it certainly wasn’t the whole truth.)

I’m not saying this man is definitely not a fantasist, but I don’t think there’s any concrete grounds for thinking he is, either.

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 10:01

Charlie is definitely a fantasist or a compulsive liar, to the point where it's probably a disorder, but I don't think there's anything you can do or say about this other than to take everything he says with a pinch of salt and just nod and smile politely when he's spinning his nonsense during your chats. I can't imagine that confronting him would go well and there's no point raising it with your employer given that the lies were all related to things in his personal life.

Definitely take a step back from him - fine to chat politely about non-important stuff but don't get involved in any friendship outside work with him. It doesn't sound like there's anything vindictive about him but he's obviously a troubled individual on one level or another.

Haretest · 29/08/2023 10:13

I've worked with someone who invented an engagement. Steer very, very clear of them.

thenightsky · 29/08/2023 10:13

Did he return all the wedding presents?

readbooksdrinktea · 29/08/2023 10:17

Naunet · 29/08/2023 08:29

You’re not Sherlock Holmes, you don’t need to make a grand speech in front of everyone to let them know you knew all along. You don’t do anything except distance yourself from him if you chose to. He’s clearly got some issues, but they’re not your problem.

Exactly this.

You're there to work. Scale back your investment in the life of a work colleague.

Shurleyknot · 29/08/2023 10:19

thenightsky · 29/08/2023 10:13

Did he return all the wedding presents?

People normally wait till the wedding happens before gifting so doubt there would have been any.

I have been around fantasists and you can almost tell when they are lying by this misty eyed knda of dreamlike look when they are telling you something blatently made up but I have also been around one who could look you dead in the eyes and lie to you. So hard to tell.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 29/08/2023 10:32

This reads as though the person who typed it has just taken a massive line of coke.

tattygrl · 29/08/2023 11:18

People suspecting AI: aren't AI things normally written very "perfectly", very very wordily and with precise grammar and spelling? No judgment on OP but this reads very much like a human just jotting stuff down.

oakleaffy · 29/08/2023 11:19

extrasushiplease · 29/08/2023 02:29

YABU for not making paragraph breaks.

It was incredibly difficult to read.

One great long block of text.

Far better to break up text and keep it short and to the point.

Skiphopandajump · 29/08/2023 11:35

Just detatch from him. I've come across a few of these types in my life.
As you get older you will be able to spot these characters a mile away.
He's obviously mentally unwell and my guess is that he'll move to pastures new as he knows he's been found out.

WetBandits · 29/08/2023 11:40

We all know a Charlie (I’ve met several) and the simplest conclusion is that they are bored with their own lives so come up with a new narrative that makes them sound more interesting, then get carried away in the lies they’ve told until even they don’t know what is true anymore.

tiredofthenoise · 29/08/2023 11:48

I agree that it doesn't read like any AI I've come across. The AI suspicious are becoming the new troll accusations on here...

OP, compulsive liars exist. Just gently disengage from him without making a big deal about it. Take everything he says from now on with a pinch of salt, and don't become overly invested in his stories. You can still be casually friendly, but personally I'd find it tiring to be close friends with someone who is compelled to lie.

CClaire · 29/08/2023 12:10

Maybe it’s common knowledge among everyone else but nobody mentioned it to you as you seemed like such good friends?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 29/08/2023 13:56

The scale of his lie would completely freak me out to be honest. The trouble is, if you call him out he'll either double down and make out your a massive arsehole and everyone will believe him and hate you, or he'll plead serious mental health problems (which he might well have) and make you look mean for calling him out and everyone will hate you.

For now I think all you can really do is play along, be visibly sympathetic, and slowly back away until you're far enough to run without it being massively noticeable.

I think looking for another job would be a very good idea. You do not need this drama in your life.

knobkopf · 29/08/2023 14:04

tattygrl · 29/08/2023 11:18

People suspecting AI: aren't AI things normally written very "perfectly", very very wordily and with precise grammar and spelling? No judgment on OP but this reads very much like a human just jotting stuff down.

It's the loose instead of lose that gives it away. AI would know the difference.

Anyway, the whole thing is bizarre.
I wouldn't believe anything he said in future and I'd be distancing myself from him. Waste of an hour a day listening to someone else's fantasies.

Skiphopandajump · 30/08/2023 02:23

Anyone here from the Black Country, check out this comedian, songwriter.

Skiphopandajump · 30/08/2023 02:47

Sorry posted on wrong thread

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