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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not bother with my sister any more?

51 replies

Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 19:54

My sister is in Jersey so not to far but not commutable Northern England. She was quite happy for us to visit her for her wedding but my daughter was 6 this weekend and this is the fourth time now that she has visited England and not bothered making an effort. My sister always makes the effort to see her friends and not bothered with her niece. I understand that she might not like children but makes effort for her friend's children she makes a big show on social media with " my lovely niece ". In short she doesn't bother to find anything out about her.
I always say I'll come to when she visits out parents or meet but she never agrees to meet or is always too busy with someone or something else. She hadn't seen her niece since November last year and prior to that around 12 months. She is due to come back in September but I don't know how to play it. Do I send her a text and keep it cool, ignore the visit all together? Or say I'll go to wherever she is staying and be the bigger person?
My argument is that she can't be " the best Auntie ever" on social media and not know anything about my daughter or show up to see her.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 20:02

If you have suggested a meet up at your parents and she hasn’t taken you up on it, then I’d just ignore her visit.

Or if you’re planning to visit your parents, you could arrange it with parents at a time when sis is staying. Then tell sis you’re coming to parents and would be great to see her if she’s free.

If she still doesn’t see you, then you’ve tried your best and can ignore her.

I’d also then ignore her social media gushing.

MrsElsa · 28/08/2023 20:02

My DB has no DC. Once in an emergency I asked him to collect DC from nursery (ridiculous combo of work issues and car trouble for DH and I). He agreed. I got the phone call from nursery 6.05pm (after closing at 6pm). DB "forgot" to collect DC. He didn't understand what the big deal was. I never asked him to collect DC ever again. He's still in my life as much as he was before that incident. Because he's my DB and that's the end of it.
Does your DS have DC herself? If not then she won't even begin to understand your POV.Also, we all think our own DC is the best thing since sliced bread, but it's unreasonable to expect anyone else to think that.I would not be losing my relationship with my sister over what she did or didn't do with my DC. She's your sister first and foremost and I'm assuming you do actually want her in your life? Zoom out for a minute and think through how you want your life to look 5 years, 15 years from now. Do you want your sister in it?

Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 20:05

I've been ignoring the social media gushing for years. I never reply. A simple little video to say thanks on WhatsApp went from me saying she liked her birthday present to " does she adore it? " Everything has to be theatrical and dramatic
....its just dull.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 28/08/2023 20:05

I would probably have added a comment to one of her proud aunty posts, along the lines of 'Such a pity you haven't had time to see her' or similar. (But then I would have regretted it...)

Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 20:07

And she didn't adore it she just liked it and said thank you.

OP posts:
Piplette · 28/08/2023 20:08

I have similar issues with my brother who stays about 15 minutes from me.

He and his wife don't have or want kids. He never makes any effort to see the kids or me - I gave up trying to arrange things. What's worse is that when the kids do see him (once or twice a year) they love him and last time my oldest asked me afterwards why he doesn't come see them more.

I now pretty much consider myself an only child and make zero effort although I'll talk happily to.him when I do see him. My mum has also given up talking to him about it.

Like your sister though his wife always posts pictures of them with her friends kids but he's not interested in his own family.

Safxxx · 28/08/2023 20:23

You could be the bigger person and ask to meet at your parents, sometimes we have to let down our guards to keep the relationship with loved ones...it's not easy.
If she doesn't want to bond with your daughter then that's her loss...try not to be bitter about it...maybe she's got lots going on that you don't know.
Ppl with sad life usually pretend they got it all good on social media....talk to her ask her what's happening

Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 20:26

@MrsElsa I see your point no she doesn't have children and I certainly don't expect my daughter to be the centre of her world but its a bit off that she waxes lyrical about her on Facebook then her friends say what a great Auntie she is and she hasn't even bothered seeing her. I just don't feel it's okay to have it both ways. I itch to comment but know its pointless and childish!

OP posts:
Azandme · 28/08/2023 20:27

She lives in Jersey, you live in the North East of England. You say she's been to England four times, but whereabouts?

If she's been in the south it doesn't mean she's had time to travel up to the North East.

My DB lived in Brighton and rarely visited us up north, because it's a hell of a trek.

Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 20:34

@Azandme
I live in Northern England not North East. We are in Manchester, when she visits she stays with our parents in Manchester and visits friends also in Manchester so while I don't expect her to make a special visit just to see my daughter as its a trek. If she were in Manchester anyway I'd kind of presume you'd want to see the child she professes to adore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 20:38

She grew up here and has been numerous times just the last four times she's not bothered about wanting to meet up with us.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 28/08/2023 20:39

My dh sibling Is the same they live in another UK country from us but for years they would visit friends and their inlaws, ignore us and they haven't seen their adult neices since they were kids, if I .were you I'd let her get on with her nonsense she won't and probably doesn't want to change and see her family which is a shame imo.

Yoyoban · 28/08/2023 20:53

So she's visited 4 times in the last 9 or so months? How long and for what purpose were each of those visits? If she's coming for two weeks at a time and always seeing the same people for no particular reason than to hang out then you MAY have a point (though you're sister is allowed to have a social life). If the visits have been things like a weekend to attend a wedding/ birthday/concert or she's been seeing different people each time then you're being unreasonable - she just had a limited time in the area to try to fit in all the people she rarely gets to see and she's seen you and your niece more recently than others.

Your op sounds like you just try to hijack visits she's planned with others for specific purposes - do you ever just invite her to come and visit you and try and arrange your own weekend with her?

How much effort do you and she make to otherwise keep in contact?

StaunchMomma · 28/08/2023 20:55

I'd wait to see if she tries to arrange anything when she's here next. If she doesn't but then expects you to travel to her then I'd be busy, I think.

It takes effort to be a good Aunt. If she's not awfully interested than let her get on with it. It's not a relationship that should be forced.

TenOhSeven · 28/08/2023 20:57

How many times have you taken your daughter to Jersey? Nice wee holiday to visit auntie.

RedToothBrush · 28/08/2023 20:58

Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 20:34

@Azandme
I live in Northern England not North East. We are in Manchester, when she visits she stays with our parents in Manchester and visits friends also in Manchester so while I don't expect her to make a special visit just to see my daughter as its a trek. If she were in Manchester anyway I'd kind of presume you'd want to see the child she professes to adore.

Cos you aren't as fun as her mates cos she's not settled down and had kids. She's at a different stage in life. Does this mean she doesn't love you? Na it means she's just got different stuff going on. Given the hassle of getting from Jersey to the NW I can see why a night out with mates in Manchester might appeal more than TV with sis and niece and an early night.

How often have you been to visit her in Jersey?

Do you take family holidays where she doesn't feature? Why must all her holiday time be dominated by seeing you guys?

PrinceHaz · 28/08/2023 21:02

You can’t make people feel or do things differently. It is what it is.
In her mind, gushing about the child is reasonable in the circumstances as she does like the child whilst also not feeling the need to visit her.

Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 21:04

No we tend to holiday just with my husband and daughter we aren't big family holiday types. We tend to go to Jersey once a year but even then she doesn't want to bother!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 21:08

I still invite her to everything we do as wider family. I don't want her to feel like she is forgotten.
I'm only asking for an hour or so of her time when she visits not an entire day. I just feel like she can't have it all ways.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 21:09

Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 21:04

No we tend to holiday just with my husband and daughter we aren't big family holiday types. We tend to go to Jersey once a year but even then she doesn't want to bother!

Do you see her at all in Jersey? Or is it just a hi and bye from her?

Original poster
Goodbyetoauntie · 28/08/2023 21:20

We don't stay with her because she has a tiny flat and I also think thr realities of having a child stay over are very hard.
We stay a couple of miles away and offer to meet for tea or visit an attraction together but she always declines or has something better to do.
We holidayed Jersey as children which is why she wanted to live there so we would go anyway. I don't hang around like a bad smell. I just say we are doing x,y,z and would you like yo meet up.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 21:24

With that update I would just dismiss her from my life. Be polite if you ever see her but just dismiss her from your mind.

Make zero effort and change your settings so she doesn’t see your social media posts.

HamBone · 28/08/2023 21:29

Unfortunately, she doesn’t sound as if she’s interested in you or your DD.

As a PP says, I’d stop trying to keep up your relationship with her. If she ever wants to reach out, she will and you can decide whether you can be bothered at that point.

Positive41 · 28/08/2023 21:34

I have a sibling like this

Don't upset yourself, they won't change. Focus on yourself and your family. You don't owe her anything.

Blood is not thicker. People really should stop saying that.

Stillcantbebothered · 28/08/2023 21:40

RedToothBrush · 28/08/2023 20:58

Cos you aren't as fun as her mates cos she's not settled down and had kids. She's at a different stage in life. Does this mean she doesn't love you? Na it means she's just got different stuff going on. Given the hassle of getting from Jersey to the NW I can see why a night out with mates in Manchester might appeal more than TV with sis and niece and an early night.

How often have you been to visit her in Jersey?

Do you take family holidays where she doesn't feature? Why must all her holiday time be dominated by seeing you guys?

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Do you really think you’ve made any sense? It’s that hard to see her sister when she visits?

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