To just not bother with my sister any more?

[Goodbyetoauntie]

My sister is in Jersey so not to far but not commutable Northern England. She was quite happy for us to visit her for her wedding but my daughter was 6 this weekend and this is the fourth time now that she has visited England and not bothered making an effort. My sister always makes the effort to see her friends and not bothered with her niece. I understand that she might not like children but makes effort for her friend's children she makes a big show on social media with " my lovely niece ". In short she doesn't bother to find anything out about her.
I always say I'll come to when she visits out parents or meet but she never agrees to meet or is always too busy with someone or something else. She hadn't seen her niece since November last year and prior to that around 12 months. She is due to come back in September but I don't know how to play it. Do I send her a text and keep it cool, ignore the visit all together? Or say I'll go to wherever she is staying and be the bigger person?
My argument is that she can't be " the best Auntie ever" on social media and not know anything about my daughter or show up to see her.

My sister doesn’t live quite as far but about 3 hours from me, whenever she comes home she at least will spend one day with me and the kids, sometimes she takes the kids out- (she doesn’t have children of her own), and I really love that about her - I don’t think you’re being unreasonable wanting your sister to have a relationship and visit you and your daughter.
Unfortunately theres nothing you can do to make her, I wouldn’t suggest meeting up again and see what she does, if you ask and she say’s no you’ll just be disappointed again. I probably wouldn’t call her out on it, you can still be civil if/when you do see her. She’s missing out on her niece! I can’t wait to be an aunt!!

Maybe she's just got better offers!

Why does she HAVE to visit her sister because she's in Manchester?

Does the OP have veto rights on time spent in Manchester?

OP goes to Jersey on holiday but by her own admission, doesn't end up going primarily to see the sister.

@RedToothBrush she obviously has! I just find it at odds with the social media posts. Yes we do go to Jersey for our own holiday but the point is that I make the effort to at least attempt to see her. She doesn't drive, I do which means I'm happy to go to wherever she is.
When she is at our parents she treats it like a hotel and is never in....however that is her arrangement with them so none of my business.

I don't see my dsis but we talk on the phone and she says the kids are amazing and enthuses about them but doesn't see them ever. She doesn't gush on social media though.

It is what it is. Lower your expectations. Ignore her SM posts. You can ask her to meet up and if she says no accept it. If I were you if just chat to her regularly and keep the relationship that way.

She doesn't owe your DD anything. Just focus on your own relationship with her.

Oh, and when she has her own dc you can follow her lead.

I would at least mention it but not arsey or accusatory. Just say it's a shame you never get to see her and that you'd like to meet up.

She just sounds like she's acting like a singleton in their twenties.

Is there a big age gap between you?

She's at a different life stage and just doesn't really see the time as precious to see kids in the same way you do. She just knows you will always 'be there' whereas the latest party with her mates is just for one night.

When her social circle start to settle down or she's coupled up, I would put money on things changing somewhat.

I think you are missing the point. She isnt slighting your niece, this has nothing to do with her.

She doesn't seem keen on a relationship with you (and your child is an accidental part of that)

What relationship do you have? Do you call? Text? Interact on facebook? If you dont have that kind of relationship then its unrealistic to expect her to be auntie of the year to your child.

I get that it hurts that she appears to bother with other peoples kids, bt that's because she sees and makes an effort with their parents.

She is due to come back in September but I don't know how to play it. Do I send her a text and keep it cool, ignore the visit all together? Or say I'll go to wherever she is staying and be the bigger person?

What do you mean by "being the bigger person" here? What exactly are you trying to achieve, and for whose benefit?

I don't see how telling her you'll bend over backwards to be able to stand in her presence if only she'll let you is being the bigger person at all - it sounds desperate and like you have no dignity, under the circumstances.

My argument is that she can't be " the best Auntie ever" on social media and not know anything about my daughter or show up to see her.

Of course she can. She's proving that she can by doing exactly that. People can be hypocrites and liars. It happens all the time and it's perfectly legal.

Your options are to unfollow her, roll your eyes and ignore her, accept that this is just how she is, or the nuclear option: call her out on social media.

Personally, I would just unfollow her as you're not going to change her and you're deliberately torturing yourself by looking at what she's saying and doing with other people when you have the choice to just mute her and get on with your own life.

We stay a couple of miles away and offer to meet for tea or visit an attraction together but she always declines or has something better to do.

That's worse somehow. You've travelled to her and she still can't be bothered to find time to see you.

I'd really struggle not to respond when she does the Facebook stuff. "What a shame that when we travelled to visit you, you weren't able to find the time to see her". Obviously I wouldn't post that, but I'd have to sit on my hands.

She saw your DD in November, she'll see her again next month by the sounds of it. That's once a year which is fine for someone who lives so far away and isn't into/doesn't have DC. It will seem like she's having her own level of relationship with her niece and may be more interested when she's older. To a non-child kinda person, seeing a little kid once a year is enough to feel like you're keeping a hand in. And don't most people perform closer relationships on social media, saying nice things about people they haven't seen for years IRL.

I think you should accept how things are and not wind yourself up about this. Course you're all about your DC, but it's not doing your daughter any harm and she'll know your sister for who she is, not some abstract standard of auntie. Keep your cool and don't make a fuss. You've both got your own lives going on and don't get to make demands on each other.

I think you have failed to RTFT. Op goes to Jersey and tries to meet up with her sister, even offerign to drive to her, the sister isn't interested.

I dont think I've missed the point at all:

• she doesnt seem keen to meet OP (supported by your comment OP travels and her sister doesnt see her

-followed by asking about her wider relationship outside of face to face meetings.

Can you elaborate?

God, if only all parents were as level headed as you. This basically!

Is she a Narcissist?
As this is a common trait, for N's to be more concerned with public image / with other people, than with their own family

@RedToothBrush no she is 39 I'm 42:)

I have a SIL like this, lives an hour away saw my kids maybe once a year to play gushing auntie. They are now adults and she had a huge wake up call that neither are interested in her or particularly want any contact. They prefer to spend time ans see their godmother who spent hours with them as kids and actually knows them. I'd just leave it. You reap what you sow as they say

She's clearly happy to see your dd annually. I would let it go and not chase her any more. You don't want your dd growing up and chasing unavailable people in this way.

And how many kids does she have?

Have you ever considered that she has a problem with you, not your daughter?
If she's making the effort to see other people but avoiding you there must be a reason?
You seem pretty judgemental in your post and are putting all the blame on your sister- is that fair?
I just know if I purposely avoid someone it's with good reason.

Do what my sister did and just cut her off from your life. Problem solved.

@Goodbyetoauntie - I would not deliberately cut her off. I would continue to offer to see her with DCs when she is is in the environs. If she is too busy then just don't get too worried. If you like to go to Jersey for a holiday - then keep going but if she is "too busy" then be prepared for that.

As for the "best Aunty " posts - ignore them. They are not affecting your life. If you spend time worrying about them - that is your time you are wasting ( one opinion - others are available ) I would just gently let the relationship find its own level.

The day I decided not to concern myself with siblings who aren’t bothered was a great day!!

Im the one who lives far away and over the years have bent over backwards to see my siblings and my DH’s siblings. My sisters have always been brilliant and made sure to make time for us, my brothers less so and my in-laws were mostly useless which was very hurtful to DH.

Now I don’t put myself out one bit for any of them. I make my visits and have a good time with my sisters. If I see anyone else, fine, but it’s not at my effort.

And now my DH has cancer, and his siblings are never off the damn phone. Not sure why they weren’t bothered about him all these years. He’s happy to hear from them, so I keep my own counsel!

I’d stop making an effort in your case OP. Your sister isn’t bothered about you or your family.

Just meet her without your child?

I feel your pain. I have had years of heartache over a sister who has no interest in making an effort with my children. They're older now and the damage is done to me, and the chance is lost with them.

However I've come to realise that viewing it this way and wishing it was better only hurts me.

I now don't expect anything. I accept my sister for who she is and what she does. It does still cause pain but that's something I have to deal with myself. It doesn't affect my children. My advice is to stop pushing and just let things be. Take the pressure off.

Just cut her off. What’s the big deal.

One of my siblings doesn’t have children, it is hard to find a middle ground.
invite her to yours , get a babysitter, have a few hours with sister and your children and a grown-up night out. Might be a chance to reconnect.
My children also adore their childless uncle and aunt, mainly because they do things like spin them in the air (not realising that doing this once will result in expectation to continue for hours). 😂