Uninvited touching AIBU

[ArtimisGame]

I have a family member who whenever they hug me will fondle my rib cage/stomach/shoulder/stroke my cheek if I look like I am asleep on the sofa. I don’t know whether I am being unreasonable but it makes me feel uncomfortable, especially as we don’t really get on and have widely different views on absolutely everything. But maybe I have issues with people touching me, I’ve never been a hugger.

That's creepy as fuck and totally inappropriate. I'd be totally freaked out and jump up shouting.

What do you mean by fondle? Stroking your cheek is a bit creepy. I'm assuming it's a man you're talking about?

By fondle I mean their fingers sort of tickle, a bit too long, while
hugging.

It’s a woman. I left out the gender but I can see how it might be different.

No difference for me. I HATE being fondled and stroked anyway, if I caught someone doing it when they thought I was asleep I'd lose my shit. Even you saying it made my skin crawl.

I have a family member who whenever they hug me will fondle my rib cage/stomach/shoulder/stroke my cheek if I look like I am asleep on the sofa. is there a full stop missing, or are they jumping on you when you are asleep to hug you, or do you mean they have to touch your stomach when they hug you, but stroke your cheek when you are sleeping?

Don't hug her?
I do not like being hugged - I rarely stand close enough for it to happen.
If she lunges to hug, step away, tell her you do not like being hugged.

Start napping with a fork handy..

I'm going to assume it's not your toddler or your partner.

It's a bit strange but if it's your mum for example she probably has never dropped the habit from when you were small. Just talk to her.

Ok, I see what you mean. Regardless, it's creepy and inappropriate. Next time she goes to hug you, I would just take a couple of steps back, or to the side. Or just say 'I'd rather not hug, actually'

As far as the cheek stroking goes, if she does that again, I wouldn't be so polite. I would be like 'what the fuck do you think you're doing?'

If anyone is touching you without your consent, it is that person who has issues, not you.

Do they live with you? Because very few people outside of the people I live with, see me napping or looking like I'm napping

Is there any ND?

Yes, the toucher has an issue, but now OP does too.

I've recently been in a similar situation and it was resolved when my OH stepped in and complained to the toucher's husband, saying it's not on. I appreciated what he did more than I can say, but it was extremely awkward. It turns out this person had also been handsy with other family members, so I'm hoping the behaviour will now stop.

We lived with her a couple of months before we bought our place, in between the end of renting and the start of owning. That’s really when all of this began with the cheek stroking when I was on the sofa and was tired, and looked asleep. I pretended to not be awake because I felt so awkward.

no ND as far as I am aware but she is elderly, so they didn’t really diagnose. Myself, I have mild dyslexia.

it my “MIL” (I’m not married to her son) and so talking about it to any family would be very awkward. I have just ignored it for a while but this weekend was a family weekend and she ticked my ribs and stomach while hugging me twice. It’s not something that usually happens with hugging other people, it feels odd and unnerving.

This would make me extremely uncomfortable. Tell her to stop, it’s way over the boundary.

I think you have issues if you feel you may be in any way unreasonable here.

Is there a backstory?

The ONLY person whom i fondle/stroke/give a little squeeze etc whilst hugging is my romantic partner, as an added extra affection, and of course, i got his permission to do this before i started doing it!

I get on brilliantly with my "MIL" (also not married or engaged to her son) and genuinely see her as a mother figure in my life after losing my own mum over 13 years ago, and am very fond of her, but we have only ever hugged once. If she stroked my hair/rubbed my back or tickled my ribs/stomach during a hug, i would probably also feel uncomfortable, its just too familiar for a relationship that isn't romantic.
The only exception imo is if someone is grieving or incredibly upset, if i hugged someone under those circumstances i may rub their back gently in an attempt at comforting, but of course if they disliked it i would stop.

Maybe she thinks it's rude to fall asleep on the sofa with guests round/ at a guest's house. If you're tired can you not go to bed/ go home? If not next time she does it ask her why she thinks it's appropriate to touch you but I suspect it's a PA way of her telling you to wake up or go to bed.

I hate being tickled and would pull away and ask someone not to tickle me ever again if they did it

You'd need to elaborate on "fondle". But if its your MIL I doubt its done in a creepy way, she may trying to be affectionate without realising its making you uncomfortable. Older generations are way more tactile and don't worry about offending people / others reading into physical tokens of affection as much as everyone seems to nowadays.

Just tell your partner it makes you uncomfortable and he can gently advise how to approach the situation without it becoming awkward.

Oh yuk! I'd hate that.

There are some people who think they can rub your back as well - absolutely vile.

It manages to be yukky, creepy, patronising, invasive and entitled all at once!

@ArtimisGame just because she is a woman doesn’t mean it’s not inappropriate. Whilst in much much smaller numbers than men there are women who overstep others boundaries in this way.

How would I know if there is a back story? I’m not really sure what is relevant. Not trying to be argumentative with you, but I just can’t answer that question.

I suppose she means that most people would say something when the unpleasant touching started where as you didn't and feel you are unreasonable for disliking it which is an unusual reaction although a lot of people are poor at nipping annoying behaviour in the bud. Does she tickle and poke your husband? If I'm tired I prefer to just go to bed though so the poking me to wake me up thing wouldn't happen and I'd be firmly brushing tickling hands away saying " I don't like that "

I see what you mean. I’ve never been good at protesting when people are inappropriate towards me, you know how it is? I don’t immediately shout but I feel uncomfortable then complain to someone else afterwards (e.g. the time some guy grabbed my arse in a nightclub I didn’t respond quickly enough to deal with it properly).

Has she always behaved like this?

I hate to say it, but if she's elderly it could be a sign of dementia - inappropriate touching is a common symptom.