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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can anyone else literally not imagine what it's like to have a dad? Or other relationship?

35 replies

wellthatsfuckedup · 27/08/2023 18:18

This is so weird to me. But I just cannot imagine a parental relationship with a male figure? Obviously the reason for this is I never really knew my own father, met him in my teens and he wasn't nice etc.

I have some very nice men in my family, like older cousins, but never ever experienced anything paternal as they were more like friends. So it's not that I think all men are awful or whatever.

But my brain literally cannot imagine what it is like to have a paternal relationship with a dad, or a dad-like figure like a step father or grandfather? It just seems so bizarre to me, I can't understand it!

It's weird because I don't have a child of my own either - but I can very easily imagine what that is like. I can picture myself with a baby or child or young adult child and imagine feeling overwhelming love and drive to give them a good life, plus worrying about their wellbeing, wanting to protect them etc. So, I'm not saying I know what it is to be a mother, but I can have a go at imagining other relationships.

Anyone else similar?

OP posts:
Violet1988 · 27/08/2023 18:23

Yes I can't imagine what it's like to have a dad either. I was brought up by my single parent mum. She had a long term boyfriend when I was 9-24. I guess he's the closest thing to a dad I had, but while he was wonderful it wasn't a dad daughter relationship that we had. I'm married now with children so my children have a dad, that still doesn't mean I can imagine what it would be like for me to have one.

Newtogym · 27/08/2023 18:24

Yes! Also never knew my father and feel the same as you describe, although to be honest before reading your post it had never occurred to me to try and imagine.

Smfedup · 27/08/2023 18:25

I was brought up with a single parent Mum, zero contact with Dad. I was extremely close to my Grandad who I saw as my Dad so I can imagine it, although it was a little unconventional! DD’s dad is a load of shite as well though..

Proteinpudding · 27/08/2023 18:29

Honestly, I feel similar about parents in general! Never had the unconditional care or role model that you describe.

I did see my dad growing up, but for reasons unknown to me (both parents blamed the other) I only saw him for 6hrs a fortnight, never overnight. And he was pretty awkward and distant, so there was no relationship/bond really.

And although I grew up with a mum, we really just lived separate lives in the same household. I mean of course she did provide practical care, but as soon as we were old enough we were left to it, we didn't spend time together, eg I rarely remember eating meals together or having conversations, my mum would sit in the lounge and we would keep out of the way.

I hear people talking as adults about the close relationships they have with their parents, or wanting parents to share good times with, or for support when times are hard, and I've honestly never experienced that.

IDriveMySupernova · 27/08/2023 18:31

I had a dad, although he died when I was 22. What I can’t really imagine is ‘having’ a mum. My mum has some mental impairments and she’s never been a very responsible or sensible person. She was never nurturing and it was always me looking after her. I can’t imagine how it feels to be mothered. At least I know who she is though. It must be horrible to have not known a parent and I do feel uncomfortable with sperm banks for this reason.

lljkk · 27/08/2023 18:34

My dad was (is) great.
My grandparents were not doting, though. It's no biggie. Mom's parents were too old and becoming infirm, senile (I was the youngest of 10 GC for them) and Dad's parents were too young so still focused on raising their own kids (my youngest uncle is only 3 yrs older than me).

You see besotted grandparents on tv and in popular fiction. I didn't have that. But I think it's a very common real thing? I don't know if it would have made any difference, of course. I can't imagine it well at all.

BananaSun1989 · 27/08/2023 18:36

No- the face my friends dads want to help them with money, move furniture for them, give them advice in mind blowing.

Michiru · 27/08/2023 18:52

I find it hard to imagine what it must be like to have loving parents. I was raised by an abusive mother, alone, no father.

The security one gains from just one loving parent must be immense.

girlfriend44 · 27/08/2023 18:54

Never had a grandad, they both died young had a father, but not grandfather.

Wonder what it would have been like?

insertsomethingwitty · 27/08/2023 18:57

Yes, me. I have no idea what it's like to have a dad. Never met him, no idea who he is. I presume my mum knows, but the handful of times I asked the conversation was shut down very abruptly. I'm 40 now and I guess will never know where half of me comes from.

SusanSHelit · 27/08/2023 19:00

I'm an only child and while I have close friends from early childhood and cousins I obviously don't know what it's like to have a sibling bond. I know not all siblings get along but plenty do.

I don't resent being an only at all, I'm introverted and love my own space, my parents absolutely doted on me. But I do worry about looking after them on my own as they get older. I know a couple of friends will probably help me a bit but I don't really think I'll have the support that others who are close with their siblings might have.

IDriveMySupernova · 27/08/2023 19:05

Michiru · 27/08/2023 18:52

I find it hard to imagine what it must be like to have loving parents. I was raised by an abusive mother, alone, no father.

The security one gains from just one loving parent must be immense.

The hardest thing for me is not having anyone to fall back on, no safety net. When friends have struggled, their parents have propped them up. Whether that’s giving them emotional and practical support, money, or opening their home to them. Even small things like going round and making them dinner if they’re unwell. I just can’t imagine it.

ArcticBells · 27/08/2023 19:07

My dad left when I was 11 and I never saw him again. I blocked him out of my mind and now genuinely feel like I never had one.

Beezknees · 27/08/2023 19:07

Well I have a son so I have a male relationship but I've never had a father figure, although my dad was in my life until I was 12 but he was never really fatherly to me and I never loved him. So yeah I get you!

YukoandHiro · 27/08/2023 19:08

I'm an only child. I feel like I can sort of imagine what having a sister is like due to some close friendships from very early ages but I cannot fathom what having a brother is like.

I think if I had one we'd probably get on well, but I've no idea why I think that....

Flopsythebunny · 27/08/2023 19:12

I grew up in a children's home so don't know what it's like to have either parent

Chowtime · 27/08/2023 19:19

Flopsythebunny · 27/08/2023 19:12

I grew up in a children's home so don't know what it's like to have either parent

I'm so sorry @Flopsythebunny I sincerely hope you've managed to find happiness now.

My dad wasn't around much and I didn't really take much notice until I was an adult. When I saw my friends dad put his arm around her shoulders one day in a fatherly gesture I was stunned. I felt so sad never to have known that. However, I'm determined not to have a pity party about it (not that anyone here is). And yes, not having a safety net, because my mother wasn't much better to be honest, is horrid.

HOWEVER, it has made me self sufficient, robust and resilient. Sometimes good comes out of it.

And I made damn sure I picked a good father for my kids.

IDriveMySupernova · 27/08/2023 19:36

HOWEVER, it has made me self sufficient, robust and resilient. Sometimes good comes out of it.

This is a very good point. I’ve seen friends fall apart over what is more or less a non-event for me.

orangeyeahthatsright · 27/08/2023 19:39

Although my mum is still alive and I'm grateful for that, she has narcissistic traits and is a pretty selfish person, and was very critical of me when I was younger, and I feel I don't know what it's like to have a mum in the way most women get to experience having one.

Lancrelady80 · 27/08/2023 20:53

I am v much the baby of my family, a full generation between me and my siblings. So although they exist, a sibling bond does not. They were all grown up and left home / married by the time I came along. I'm effectively an only child. Because of this massive age gap, I also missed out on the whole cousin thing, who run parallel with my siblings. And only 1 of my grandparents was alive when I was born, and died before I was 3. Dad died when I was 10 and I have almost no memories of him - a firmly shut door to prevent pain and missing him, I suspect.

So yeah, pretty much me and a widowed pensioner mum as I grew up means I don't have a whole lot of idea about a whole lot of familial relationships, beyond things I've seen with friends or read about.

PriamFarrl · 27/08/2023 21:10

I don’t have any siblings and no close family. I do wonder what it would be like.

Jamtartforme · 27/08/2023 21:17

I wonder what it must be like to be part of a normal(ish), nice family. The type who live in a 3 bed, mum dad and a couple of kids, some kind of terrier dog, nice flowerbed in the garden, have a takeaway on a Saturday evening and watch a film together, go out for a meal together occasionally. Just a nice little unit without alcoholism, screaming arguments, an odd dilapidated house where I slept in the attic on a camp bed, and strange men coming in and out who I was expected to entertain because they were ‘dad’s work friends’ apparently.

roseopose · 27/08/2023 21:33

I relate to this, my dad died when I was 1. My mum had a boyfriend but never lived with him and he had virtually nothing to do with us. The only other close male relative I had was my grandad. I have to say I hadn't really considered how strange I find the concept of 'having a dad' until I had DD and watched her relationship with her dad develop. It makes me happy for them but sad for me that I never had 2 people to rely on and care for me.

WillowCraft · 27/08/2023 21:38

girlfriend44 · 27/08/2023 18:54

Never had a grandad, they both died young had a father, but not grandfather.

Wonder what it would have been like?

I had all 4 grandparents until my late 20s but no close relationships as they lived far and we rarely saw them . No other close family relationships either with cousins, aunts etc.. I don't really understand when people talk about how much they love their grandma etc - mine were always distant, slightly scary and boring figures.

Radiat · 27/08/2023 21:51

My feelings are complicated on this. I had a father, but he was totally absent emotionally, and often physically too. I rarely saw him when my parents divorced, and he died ten years later. I don’t have many memories of him, and my parents were together long enough that I should. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a positive relationship with a good father. I see my friends who have wonderful dads, and there’s a longing there to have experienced that.