Feel like my son is out of control

[Ilovepugs2017]

DS (12) behaviour is just getting worse and worse. Just today he has called DH stupid and tried kicking him. Accusing DH of lying constantly when he knows he himself has done something wrong. He’s kicked his bedroom door and made a huge hole in it. I’ve taken his tech off him for a few days (due to previous behaviour these last few days). I’m at a loss of what to do anymore.

That sounds like his teenage years are going to be turbulent. Would you consider family therapy?

What is it he is kicking off over?

Agreed with the above. Threats and harsh punishment is going to be counterproductive. You need to sit down and talk and agree on boundaries

Literally the tiniest things and he is just not listening to just simple asks. He is being so disrespectful , speaks to me and DH like crap. DH is his step dad if it makes any difference, we also have two younger kids together

I’ve tried this and it’s just not working either I’m at a loss what to do anymore

He doesn’t seem to understand boundaries and constantly pushes his luck. I’m always stuck in the middle he’s saying DH lies all the time but I’ve actually witnessed DS doing the things DH has told me he’s done

Can’t afford therapy tbh but at the moment he’s the main person causing arguements in the house, I’m just sick and tired of it.

Talk to your GP and see if anything is available on the NHS. Maybe if they can't offer family therapy they'll have something for him? Its in his own best interests he learns better ways to relate to others and mange his feelings.Does he complain to you and try to get you to pick sides? Does he listen to you at all?

Try charities like Banardoes. They may be able to offer support. Also Family support workers via the council.

Does his behaviour get worse when DH deals with it? I've noticed my sisters son's behaviour escalates when her DH gets involved. Her DH shouts and uses phrases like 'show respect' 'don't speak to me like that' 'I'm not putting up with that' but doesn't investigate why their DS is feeling the way he does, my sister deals with the behaviour by being calm, not shouting and seeing why their DS is angry. Her DH shouts and gets in his sons face making things escalate because it's all about 'respect'.
In my experience use car journeys to football or school as an opportunity to talk to DS and find out what is troubling him, as you're not facing them, it feels less intimidating for them.

You take his tech off him permanently and he earns it back through good behaviour. I’d have every bit of tech as well even if it meant i bought the shittest phone imaginable and had his (no doubt) decent phone off him.

Good advice. Look at your parenting styles.
Is there a shouty, overbearing adult in the house? This could be the cause of your sons behaviour.
You need to get to the root cause.
In younger children the NHS use play therapy to try to get to the bottom of issues like this. Not sure what they offer for older children.
Try and listen to your sons worries. Good luck.

No DH isn’t shouty he is firm but fair. Also the younger children are not like this so how is it a family issue?

How’s he at school

It is relevant that your DH is his step dad.

How long has he been in his life and where is his birth dad?

It's a family issue because it appears your son has issues surrounding his step dad, I would imagine a lot of his behaviour relates to that considering he's blaming your DH for a lot of things.

Punishments don’t work and cause hostility and resentment. You need to set your expectation, and put into place a REWARD scheme that allows him to earn a reward in real time. This means that once the reward has been earned, it cannot be taken away. Rinse and repeat.

Me and DH have been together 10 years he’s been in ds life since he was around 18 months old.

his birth dad he only sees 4 nights a month. He doesn’t make much effort with ds

I'd hazard a guess that DH being his step dad does make difference. To him, anyway.

He's missing his dad.

How long has his behaviour been like this?

I ask because it could be caused by all sorts. Not saying it is acceptable behaviour, just thinking broadly.

As he is 12, I assume he started secondary school last year? How are things at school? Could he be worried about something there and maybe worried about going back?

Anything changed within the wider family like bereavement or serious illness?

I may have missed it but how old are the other children? If you really think carefully, is dS getting enough positive attention? Is he being relied on to 'watch' younger siblings, particularly in the hols?

Some of it e.g. calling someone stupid may just be normal, hormonal pre teen behaviour. In which case, calm, consistent and appropriate consequences.

I wouldn't take the tech. I know the knee jerk reaction is too punish by removing phones etc., but this just escalates the situation - and if DS decides to disappear out the house, then he has no means of contacting you if he needs to.

My DS was tricky, from about this age, but particularly so around 14.

I found the best way forward was to not engage with him when he was off on one.
I would wait for things to calm down then go in with a hot chocolate or bowl of cereal. I would try to get to the bottom of the problem.
Sometimes me or DH were at fault, if we were I acknowledged it. If we weren't, then I said why not.

Around this age he was wanting a bit more freedom than we were giving him, our parenting hadn't evolved as he had got older, so some of the boundaries did need a bit of tweaking.

He doesn't sound out of control. Just a bad patch and school will begin soon and things may improve. May be a hormonal phase.

When did this behaviour start ?

Is it anything to do with being on x box etc.

I think his dad being so uninterested is having an impact. He doesn’t know where he fits, you and your dh know it’s not an issue but he can’t process it. I’d have a conversation with him, let him know he is very much loved and talk about his behaviour. Get stepdad to also tell him he is family and he loves him too. Same house rules for all kids and he has to abide by them too. It’s not going to be a quick fix and much love to you and dh