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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like my son is out of control

48 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 17:55

DS (12) behaviour is just getting worse and worse. Just today he has called DH stupid and tried kicking him. Accusing DH of lying constantly when he knows he himself has done something wrong. He’s kicked his bedroom door and made a huge hole in it. I’ve taken his tech off him for a few days (due to previous behaviour these last few days). I’m at a loss of what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Cheekymawbot · 27/08/2023 19:21

If you don't mind me asking, what is his dad like ? Can you talk to him ? Can the three of you ,( dad and Step dad )sing from the same hymn sheet regarding reinforcing boundaries etc. When my DS was a bit older 14, he kicked off like this . Turned out he was undiagnosed ASD. It didn't help my prick of an ex who wasn't in his life much as until then absolutely completely unmined us and played the Disney dad. It was so frustrating. We would try and get him to stay and clean his room and he would go out round to his and get money off him. Really annoying. It settled as he got much older as sees him as a bit of a loser.
Family support is also good through social work . The school may be able to refer you. Good luck OP . It's really crap and upsetting but it will pass , eventually.

Threegreenbirds · 27/08/2023 19:23

The first thing I would do is read a book called 'How to talk so teens listen and listen so teens talk '

It often just needs a tweak in parenting technique to address the preteen / teen development.

It really helped us navigate the early teens when the rules of parenting a younger child no longer worked and they started to need more independence and start to question authority.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:10

Thelnebriati · 27/08/2023 18:18

Talk to your GP and see if anything is available on the NHS. Maybe if they can't offer family therapy they'll have something for him? Its in his own best interests he learns better ways to relate to others and mange his feelings.Does he complain to you and try to get you to pick sides? Does he listen to you at all?

Yeah he does try to get me to pick sides which is really frustrating. I feel like I’m often stuck in the middle.
He does listen sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:10

Devonshirelass · 27/08/2023 18:22

Try charities like Banardoes. They may be able to offer support. Also Family support workers via the council.

Ok I’ll have a look into this possibly

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Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:13

Acheyknees · 27/08/2023 18:22

Does his behaviour get worse when DH deals with it? I've noticed my sisters son's behaviour escalates when her DH gets involved. Her DH shouts and uses phrases like 'show respect' 'don't speak to me like that' 'I'm not putting up with that' but doesn't investigate why their DS is feeling the way he does, my sister deals with the behaviour by being calm, not shouting and seeing why their DS is angry. Her DH shouts and gets in his sons face making things escalate because it's all about 'respect'.
In my experience use car journeys to football or school as an opportunity to talk to DS and find out what is troubling him, as you're not facing them, it feels less intimidating for them.

It can do sometimes yes, DH is generally patient and tries not to react when he behaves like this but sometimes my son pushing the boundaries can tip him over the edge and I think maybe he feels like he needs to shout in order to be heard?
I did go out for a walk with DS earlier, we walked the dogs and I had a chat with him then. Maybe I’ll do that quite often to see if he opens up to me about anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:14

RudsyFarmer · 27/08/2023 18:25

You take his tech off him permanently and he earns it back through good behaviour. I’d have every bit of tech as well even if it meant i bought the shittest phone imaginable and had his (no doubt) decent phone off him.

It’s hard to know what to do for the best. Taking tech off him does improve his behaviour but then it’s not long before it’s back the same again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:16

Busbygirl · 27/08/2023 18:32

Good advice. Look at your parenting styles.
Is there a shouty, overbearing adult in the house? This could be the cause of your sons behaviour.
You need to get to the root cause.
In younger children the NHS use play therapy to try to get to the bottom of issues like this. Not sure what they offer for older children.
Try and listen to your sons worries. Good luck.

Show quote history

Thank you. Neither of us are shouty parents really. Firm but fair. I don’t believe shouting or screaming helps the situation at all. I try to sit down with the kids and talk calmly about why they are acting a certain way or why they’re feeling angry etc

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Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:17

Oxborn · 27/08/2023 18:49

How’s he at school

Generally ok I think. He’s not normally disruptive

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Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:19

Dramatic · 27/08/2023 18:58

It's a family issue because it appears your son has issues surrounding his step dad, I would imagine a lot of his behaviour relates to that considering he's blaming your DH for a lot of things.

Show quote history

I honestly don’t know why though. DH loves DS and cares about him a lot. Always tries to help him with anything he needs a hand with. He has been there through lots of his milestones throughout the years.

DS doesn’t have a great relationship with his birth dad and I wonder if he takes some of the frustrations of this out on DH

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Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:21

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 27/08/2023 18:59

Punishments don’t work and cause hostility and resentment. You need to set your expectation, and put into place a REWARD scheme that allows him to earn a reward in real time. This means that once the reward has been earned, it cannot be taken away. Rinse and repeat.

Thing is we have done the expectations and rewards thing.
expectation - do your homework
reward - time on tech for a bit

But what consequence is there to use when things go awol and that’s not even working anymore?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:21

NeelyOHara1 · 27/08/2023 19:02

I'd hazard a guess that DH being his step dad does make difference. To him, anyway.

It may do, maybe there is resentment because I’m not with his actual dad anymore. We split when ds was around a year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:22

cptartapp · 27/08/2023 19:10

He's missing his dad.

Do you think that’s what it is?
Worst thing about it is his dad doesnt make the effort with him at all, he can’t be bothered :(

OP posts:
Dramatic · 27/08/2023 22:26

Ilovepugs2017 · 27/08/2023 22:19

I honestly don’t know why though. DH loves DS and cares about him a lot. Always tries to help him with anything he needs a hand with. He has been there through lots of his milestones throughout the years.

DS doesn’t have a great relationship with his birth dad and I wonder if he takes some of the frustrations of this out on DH

Show quote history

He's of an age where he'll be having more mature and complex thoughts on the situation and he is probably finding it hard to make sense of

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 28/08/2023 00:05

Dramatic · 27/08/2023 22:26

He's of an age where he'll be having more mature and complex thoughts on the situation and he is probably finding it hard to make sense of

Show quote history

Yes that makes sense. I’ve borrowed a book from the library a few days ago about the adolescence years so I’m hoping that will give me some insight when I get chance to read it

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Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 28/08/2023 00:05

thanks to everyone who’s replied, not had a chance to reply to you all but will reply to some more tomorrow when I’ve had some sleep x

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/08/2023 00:21

Could you perhaps make it a routine that you always go for a walk with him every night? Do you notice that his moods are worse when he hasn't eaten? My son is very even-tempered and the only time he trouble was when he was hungry.

He was growing so rapidly, but he didn't always recognise hunger because he was having to eat so much more than usual.

Does he sleep well? Does he have a Fitbit or anything like that where you can see how long he is sleeping?

Mmhmmn · 28/08/2023 00:33

He's hurt and angry about his dad.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 28/08/2023 11:19

PumpkinPie2016 · 27/08/2023 19:11

How long has his behaviour been like this?

I ask because it could be caused by all sorts. Not saying it is acceptable behaviour, just thinking broadly.

As he is 12, I assume he started secondary school last year? How are things at school? Could he be worried about something there and maybe worried about going back?

Anything changed within the wider family like bereavement or serious illness?

I may have missed it but how old are the other children? If you really think carefully, is dS getting enough positive attention? Is he being relied on to 'watch' younger siblings, particularly in the hols?

Some of it e.g. calling someone stupid may just be normal, hormonal pre teen behaviour. In which case, calm, consistent and appropriate consequences.

It’s been like it a long time but worse in last year and half/ 2 years.
Yes this September he will be going into his 2nd year at primary school but generally things seem ok there.
DS does suffer from infrequent fainting episodes and DH’s father died recently.
The younger children are 10 and 6 but no he never gets relied on to ‘watch’ them at all.
what would you say are calm and appropriate consequences?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 28/08/2023 11:22

Createausername1970 · 27/08/2023 19:12

I wouldn't take the tech. I know the knee jerk reaction is too punish by removing phones etc., but this just escalates the situation - and if DS decides to disappear out the house, then he has no means of contacting you if he needs to.

My DS was tricky, from about this age, but particularly so around 14.

I found the best way forward was to not engage with him when he was off on one.
I would wait for things to calm down then go in with a hot chocolate or bowl of cereal. I would try to get to the bottom of the problem.
Sometimes me or DH were at fault, if we were I acknowledged it. If we weren't, then I said why not.

Around this age he was wanting a bit more freedom than we were giving him, our parenting hadn't evolved as he had got older, so some of the boundaries did need a bit of tweaking.

I see where your coming from. He hardly goes out with his mates anymore as he says it’s ‘boring’.
He is very impulsive at times.
I do try to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the positive but sometimes he really does push the boundaries. I bet some of it is to get a reaction or maybe he is struggling to manage his emotions for whatever reason

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 28/08/2023 11:22

RadioFoot · 27/08/2023 19:13

He doesn't sound out of control. Just a bad patch and school will begin soon and things may improve. May be a hormonal phase.

He’s been like this for a long while but worst in the last year and a half -2 years I’d say

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Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 28/08/2023 11:23

itsmylife7 · 27/08/2023 19:16

When did this behaviour start ?

Is it anything to do with being on x box etc.

I do find it’s worst after he’s come off the PlayStation, can be very aggressive for example. Our children do have limited time on tech, in the holidays it tends to be an hour in the morning and maybe an hour in the evening depending whether anything else is planned

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itsmylife7 · 28/08/2023 11:37

X boxes and similar devices have been proven to make some children very aggressive.

my dil had similar issues with her son and had to completely ban him. His behaviour improved massively.

SnappyDragony · 28/08/2023 17:44

Could DH instead ask your son "why did you feel like you had to do that?" Asking why can sometimes stop an argument in its tracks and offer valuable insight into what's going on in your sons head. Worth a try?
Acknowledge son has done something. Ask him why he has done this. Find a resolution so it doesn't happen again.

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