Do you really need to love yourself?

[SundayCoffeeinBed]

Hi,

So I hear this a lot - "You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else".

Really? Personally, I think liking yourself is important. Respecting yourself is important, but what does loving yourself really mean?

YABU - Yes, you need to love yourself
YANBU - No, it's just a fluffy, meaningless mantra.

No idea i am just me and only think about myself when it comes up as a topic, I can't say I hate or love myself I just am

Well, I think it’s being used as loose shorthand for liking and respecting yourself, really.

I think it every time there’s a thread on here from posters saying ‘I’m a nice person, I’d do anything for anyone, I’m a good listener — why don’t I have any friends, and why do people tend to overlook me?’ So often it’s clear these posters only consider themselves in relation to others, have poor self-esteem, and all their signals to others are ‘I’m not important, nothing to see here’.

If someone doesn’t think they’re worthwhile, worth knowing, or basically estimable, are they really expecting others to contradict them?

What is lacking in society is love for others. Its really no surprise that people parrot 'love thyself first' since no one loves them.

If we all treated others with love and respect then everyone would be loved and respected.

I'm agnostic, not in the least religious. 'God is dead' we made it so and ran off to stick our heads up our own bums in pursuit of new age bull shit spiritual enlightenment that is very much a solo project.

I find the concept of loving yourself a bit weird, actually. I don't love, like, dislike or hate myself, because I think those kinds of feelings are emotional reactions you have about other people. I just... am.

I think that self-preservation and a balanced level of self-esteem (rather than actively loving yourself) are natural and sufficient. If problems in someone's upbringing and early life have caused low self-esteem or self-hatred, then I'd say finding a way to achieve balanced self-esteem is a better aim. Loving yourself seems like a bit of an unrealistic and unnecessary reach. I am admittedly quite an unemotional person though .

Not sure about "loving yourself". But I do think you need to have good self esteem, boundaries and self respect to have a healthy relationship. If you don't have those things you're vulnerable to abusers or becoming dependent on a partner to provide them and that's not good.

Some very good points made so far.

I definitely think that self respect is essential if you want to form healthy relationships with others.

I wouldn't even say I like myself but if there's any ounce of love I have to give to the ones that matter most, then that's more than enough for me

Enjoy your own company, have good boundaries.

It sounds boring in comparison to 'love yourself' but it doesn't sound like a narcissistic battle cry either.

What it means is you have to respect yourself enough not to think you have to have a man for the sake of having a man.

Anyone can get into a relationship but you have a much better chance of being in a good relationship if you have boundaries and won’t tolerate shit from people just to hold onto the relationship.

I think you should treat & speak to yourself with the same care & respect that you would someone you care about.
For example, you wouldn't feed someone you love junk food all the time, and you wouldn't be unkind about their appearance, yet our internal monologue can be very unforgiving.

However, the last part 'before you can live anyone else' is BS. I think a lot of people who are very hard on themselves do a great job of loving and caring for others.

Love your own life - and if you don't, then take steps to create a life you do love. Respect yourself.

Thinking about things in this way make sense to me.

Interesting! It depends on your definition of love; if you mean warm, squishy romantic feelings, no. If love = actions of self-care, feeding self well and enriching life, highly prizing time with yourself and valuing your thoughts and ideas, then yeah.

I think it's bullshit to be honest. When I was single and desperately lonely, people used to say it to me. "You have to love yourself before anyone else will love you / you can love others". I read something that really stuck out to me, hopefully the attachment will upload! The capacity to love isn't built in isolation. I did a bloody good job of loving my children but had nothing but self loathing for myself. I still don't like myself much but thankfully found a good man who shows me every day that I am someone who can be loved. However, during this time, I was a target for men who took advantage, so I agree with those who say you must have self respect and boundaries, but that doesn't mean you have to "love yourself".

@Thepeopleversuswork or woman?

@MonkeyGoddess yes, I suppose it does very much depend on how you associate it.

I remember that being said to me when I was a depressed lonely 20 something. I didn't find it at all helpful. It seemed impossible (and somewhat narcissistic) to love oneself when I knew myself inside out, warts and all. And boy, are there some warts!

But later on, I found love and much later I looked back and thought about that phrase. In my case, anyway, I think it meant I had to grow into a confidence in myself that, even with the warts, I was a worthwhile, valuable person. When I felt comfortable being who I was, that was when I found someone to love and be loved by.

I agree with others that something like 'value yourself' or 'believe you have worth' would be a much more accurate version. I also feel really uncomfortable with the idea of loving myself, and I dislike myself or parts of myself quite a lot. However, I also value myself enough that I wouldn't stay with someone who treated me badly or beg for scraps of time or attention, which I think is actually the point of the idea.

It's not actually possible to love yourself if you haven't been loved. We learn love by being loved.

I had terrible self esteem for most of.my life.

I found what worked for me was self acceptance. Accepting that yiu are the product of your upbringing and experiences and to forgive all the times you think you've fallen short. Not quite sure that it fully equates to "self love" but I do think it equates to being kind to yourself.

That, for me was the turning point.

It’s meaningless and the kind of thing I’d expect to see next to ‘Live Laugh Love’ in the twee signs section of The Range.

Obviously it’s good to have some confidence and self-esteem, and to have some sense of being deserving of respect and kindness. Without that, it’s hard to put boundaries in place or have healthy, equal relationships with other people.

But I absolutely don’t think that equates to ‘loving yourself’ or even ‘liking yourself’, necessarily. I couldn’t say whether I like myself or not, really.

I do not believe this, no.
Reason being is that I know someone who jumps into relationship after relationship. They are devastated when they are single and happy when they are with someone. I do however believe they are a narcissist.
Generally though a lot of people are only happy when they are with someone. That's what annoys me on here, when people say 'It's because you don't love yourself that's why you can't meet anyone. Once you do, you will.' It's bull.

@ErosandAgape

Well, I think it’s being used as loose shorthand for liking and respecting yourself, really.

I think it every time there’s a thread on here from posters saying ‘I’m a nice person, I’d do anything for anyone, I’m a good listener — why don’t I have any friends, and why do people tend to overlook me?’ So often it’s clear these posters only consider themselves in relation to others, have poor self-esteem, and all their signals to others are ‘I’m not important, nothing to see here’.

If someone doesn’t think they’re worthwhile, worth knowing, or basically estimable, are they really expecting others to contradict them?

THIS
Otherwise know as 'people pleasers'

@HoppingDragon yes, I know a few people like that. The only people I've known who say that they love themselves and that we all should, do tend to be a little self obsessed.

It's of course not self obsessed to be kind to yourself and be happy with who you are, but I think this is very different.

It makes me cringe. It should be self-respect really but I guess that sounds a bit pious.

It is true if you don’t respect yourself, it shows and you get treated as such.

@MiniTheMinx

What is lacking in society is love for others. Its really no surprise that people parrot 'love thyself first' since no one loves them.
^^

Just to add
I think the quote is:

'Love others as you love yourself'

Loose translation
'It is excepted that you DO love
Yourself and loving others is something to strive for.
(Though people pleasers struggle with loving / respecting/ liking themselves)