Do you really need to love yourself?

[SundayCoffeeinBed]

Hi,

So I hear this a lot - "You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else".

Really? Personally, I think liking yourself is important. Respecting yourself is important, but what does loving yourself really mean?

YABU - Yes, you need to love yourself
YANBU - No, it's just a fluffy, meaningless mantra.

Love yourself is about self acceptance. It is treating yourself with the kindness and love you would give to your child. It's also about forming a relationship with yourself, one of openness. Without that we act meanly to ourselves and then can't help but project that out into the world. We've all met the mean, angry, bully sorts in daily life. They are the ones who have the deepest self loathing. They have lost relationship with themselves.

You do realise you can love both yourself AND others, right?
The phrase purely means to treat yourself exactly how you treat others!
If you are gracious when others make mistakes, kind, treat them. Why would you not do the same to yourself.

Women especially are socialised to be people pleasers and put others above themselves. This only results in burn-out and resentment. That is what it means to love others but not yourself.

When you love yourself FIRST you're aware of how well you deserve to be treated, boundaries etc. You have the courage to set the standard in how other people treat you by showing a good example.

My life is sooo much better now that I'm no longer a people pleaser. I have higher quality friends ('quality' as in emotionally healthy, mutually respectful, etc). No more drama, users, people taking advantage and walking all over me etc etc. If anybody tries it's shut down immediately.

Highly recommend.

Sometimes I think I am a giant fool and I have to watch my negative self talk
I have let lots of lovers and friends walk all over me
So I actively try to show self Iove ( respect. Dignity patience compassion etc )

Potentially by a woman but this is at heart to do with the way many women are socialised in relation to men, not women.

A large amount of women, probably a majority in our society, are raised to believe that they need a man in their life and that their primary job (besides raising children) is to keep him happy and calm by not asserting themselves in order to prevent him running away. So any opinions, or any assertion of boundaries, is frowned upon. An awful lot of women therefore lack the emotional equipment to tell a man that he is pissing her off, crossing her boundaries and generally making her uncomfortable because she's been brought up, consciously or unconsciously, to believe this is rude and aggressive and will make her unattractive.

I'm sure this will apply in some lesbian relationships too and no doubt there are some where women style themselves on the behaviour of a man in a heterosexual relationship and behave in dominant and abusive ways towards their female partner, but its primarily about the male/female dynamic.

Anecdotal, but the lesbian relationships I know don't seem to have these dynamics.

I think it's helpful to accept yourself, warts & all. I'm in 40s and spent a lot of my life fighting myself and feel closer to self acceptance than I ever have been- that's it okay to be me. I might not like or love every bit of myself, but I accept my flaws.