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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How did you raise your low self esteem?

38 replies

rainawf · 27/08/2023 08:41

How did you do it? What really helped and what didn’t?

im really low right now, feel like life is passing me by.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 27/08/2023 08:45

I saw a psychotherapist for a long time. I learned to understand myself and my relationships better, and to focus on what I actually need and want rather than what other people expect of me

Exercise. In my case running and then lifting weights. A self esteem boost like nothing else

I started properly listening when people paid me a compliment, either about my appearance or about my work, instead of brushing it off and minimising it

I started to praise myself for every little thing I got right, no matter how small. So if it was a rainy day and I remembered to bring an umbrella, I would say to myself 'well done babe'! 😁 it feels strange at first, but talking to yourself kindly really does you a lot of good

Mummadeze · 27/08/2023 08:45

My work is the main thing that has raised mine. And throwing myself into a hobby that I am not bad at. Things that have never helped are focussing too much on my appearance and anything to do with sex or relationships (because my low self esteem has led me to make poor choices).

Original poster
rainawf · 27/08/2023 09:48

Thank you @Lottapianos and @Mummadeze really good point about excercise and praising yourself I dont do that!

OP posts:
squashi · 27/08/2023 09:57

I once wrote a list of all the things I thought were good about myself, including positive ways I thought other people might see me ("I think people would say I'm...") My rule to self was not to include anything self-deprecatory or negative at all. I did it at a time I was struggling with self-esteem, and it helped.

TheGoodBanana · 27/08/2023 10:14

I'm having therapy for mine. She had recommended a book that you can get on Amazon which I haven't bought yet because I want to take the therapy at face value.

How did you raise your low self esteem?
Sunbathingflump · 27/08/2023 10:20

Sadly I was raised by academics who forced us children to believe that:

Career and good grades = self worth

Which truly fucked us all up (my siblings and I). Our GCSEs were clearly disappointing, our A Levels were too and then our Degrees were not acceptable subject types and we didn't do Post Grad so we were made to feel worthless again.

Career wise = we're all in our 40s now and we all have low self esteem and are having therapy for it.

  1. Hobbies
  2. have a bigger world - small worlds are bad and make us spiral faster
  3. New job / Career change even if it means low pay
  4. I weirdly found that my hair affects my mood! So regular hair cuts help me a lot
  5. Sunlight, outdoors, nature (even if it's a cuppa outside in the garden!)
  6. Screen time. Too much scrolling is bad. Put your phone away. Stop scrolling and do something else.
HellInABasket · 02/12/2023 22:24

@Sunbathingflump if you are still around... I was searching for something else and came across this thread. I was interested in your comment

have a bigger world - small worlds are bad and make us spiral faster

Are you able to elaborate on this? what do you mean by small worlds? few friends? few interests?

Where does this theory come from do you know and is there anything you suggest that I could read about this?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/12/2023 22:26

Reading Mumsnet helped a lot.

UnimaginableWindBird · 02/12/2023 22:35

I read the book Fair Play and used the ideas there to get DH to take on a greater share of the housework.

Then I used the extra time and energy I had on decorating the house. As part of this, I taught myself to tile, and tiled the bathroom.

This gave me a confidence boost, and bouyed up from my pride in my newfound tiling skills, I applied for a better job, and got it.

The new job is easier, more enjoyable and better paid than my previous one.

I'm a lot more confident now than I was last year.

TotalOverhaul · 02/12/2023 22:39

Self help, but especially CBT in general and CBT self-compassion worksheets in particular.CBT stops us from thinking: I always fail at relationships/my life goals/everything I do. It makes us stop and think: No, I have a good relationship with... I achieved ... When I ....it was a success.

Bit by bit you learn that what we actually do is dismiss or not celebrate what we are good at - we take it fgfor granted, and we focus on things to feel bad about. When we reverse that tendency, life is better.

A PP asked about small worlds - I don't know that quote but I do love Susan Jeffers' theory that you should have nine areas of life that you develop with equal attention and value. So prioritise your fitness and your friendships as much as your partner and your work etc; always have a contribution to the wider community on the go, as well as some hobby and some connection to nature. That way when life goes badly wrong - you split up with a loved one, or get fired from work or a house move falls through, you have all the other areas of life thriving and they keep you going. I taught this skill to DC and it helped both of them massively when they first had their hearts broken.

I also love Flylady's theory that you should love the home and body you are in. Even if you can't afford to update your home, you clean it and tidy it and arrange it in the best way you can, and give it focal points that give you pleasure - whether that's grouped photos of loved ones or a cheap vase of daffs on a sunny window etc. Caring for your home as if it were a palace is very therapeutic. Same with our bodies. Whether you are an ideal weight or not, take care of yourself as best you can with fresh air, exercise, healthy food, good hygiene, nicest best fitting clothes every day etc.

These feed self esteem.

TotalOverhaul · 02/12/2023 22:43

squashi · 27/08/2023 09:57

I once wrote a list of all the things I thought were good about myself, including positive ways I thought other people might see me ("I think people would say I'm...") My rule to self was not to include anything self-deprecatory or negative at all. I did it at a time I was struggling with self-esteem, and it helped.

That's lovely.

I once made a list of all the ways I had already succeeded in a life goal that I am massively struggling to achieve. I felt I had failed 100% but when I wrote down the actual evidence, I had only failed at one aspect and dismissed all the other successes along the way. It's quite revealing to learn how much of our sense of self worth is entirely in our own heads; nothing to do with what has happened to us, but all about how we judge ourselves for what has happened.

TotalOverhaul · 02/12/2023 22:45

Lottapianos · 27/08/2023 08:45

I saw a psychotherapist for a long time. I learned to understand myself and my relationships better, and to focus on what I actually need and want rather than what other people expect of me

Exercise. In my case running and then lifting weights. A self esteem boost like nothing else

I started properly listening when people paid me a compliment, either about my appearance or about my work, instead of brushing it off and minimising it

I started to praise myself for every little thing I got right, no matter how small. So if it was a rainy day and I remembered to bring an umbrella, I would say to myself 'well done babe'! 😁 it feels strange at first, but talking to yourself kindly really does you a lot of good

I tried that self praise thing for a while (and then forgot) but it really works. It is surprising how helpful it is to acknowledge all the things we do well or right.
Thanks for reminding me of it.

OceanicBoundlessness · 02/12/2023 22:51

Doing things. Self esteem is built by challenging ourself and then celebrating. It's not built by staying within our comfort zone.

Getting out into nature.
I did run for a while, never more than 5k but I found that my inner voice was so much kinder to myself while I was running. I'd hear it encouraging me.. Come on youre doing well, just a bit further. Etc...

Stopping any repeating thoughts of not good enough or any thoughts that were overly critical. I have a breathing exercise that I can focus on if I'm finding it hard to interrupt.

Gratitude. Finding things to be grateful for, including myself.

Being discerning. I worked out that I didn't have to like everyone and they didn't have to like me.

Saying yes to opportunities as much as possible.

Catching myself holding myself back. When I find myself thinking 'I could never'...I go out and do it anyway.

Blossomingx · 02/12/2023 22:58

I love this, go you! thank you so much for sharing 💕

howdoyoulikethemweeds · 02/12/2023 23:07

What a lovely thread to come across… threads like this are the main reason I can’t quit mumsnet.

Exasperateddonut · 02/12/2023 23:13

This is a really beautiful thread. Will be following for ideas!

I find having my nails painted makes me more confident. Just a little self care can make a huge difference.

Pixiedust1234 · 03/12/2023 00:10

I started to praise myself for every little thing I got right, no matter how small. So if it was a rainy day and I remembered to bring an umbrella, I would say to myself 'well done babe'! 😁 it feels strange at first, but talking to yourself kindly really does you a lot of good.

I think I need to do this. I do it the other way too much of "well that was a stupid thing to do" or "I should have known"

Fionaville · 03/12/2023 00:44

It's so soppy, but I have a family photo on the wall, I'm about aged 8 on it. Whenever I'm being self critical or demotivated, I look at that little girl and think 'She doesn't deserve that' or 'she deserves better' It's a really good way of being kind to yourself.

Whataretalkingabout · 03/12/2023 02:01

This is such an encouraging and heart-warming thread. So many kind contributions.

Special thanks to @TotalOverhaul for sharing several seemingly simple but potentially life-changing tools.

catotangent · 03/12/2023 02:30

I love this thread.

I would add daily meditation. Just a few minutes.

MintJulia · 03/12/2023 04:42

Lived by myself
Did things my way for a while
Found that I was financially better off without a man
Focused on having fun and remembering my own identity
Took up running
Ate what I wanted (healthy stuff)
Stopped drinking (his thing)
Did things I wanted to do

Found that I wasn't lonely in the slightest 🙂

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/12/2023 04:56

This isn’t my experience but I met someone in a psych ward who said he had started with just “hello” to himself of a morning. Just treating himself like person.

Lottapianos · 03/12/2023 08:28

'It's so soppy, but I have a family photo on the wall, I'm about aged 8 on it. Whenever I'm being self critical or demotivated, I look at that little girl and think 'She doesn't deserve that' or 'she deserves better' It's a really good way of being kind to yourself.'

That's really lovely. Boosting your own self esteem is a bit like becoming a loving parent to yourself - being kind, being affectionate, standing up for yourself, setting boundaries and saying 'no' sometimes but without any shame or anger attached, being your own biggest cheerleader

moijejoue · 03/12/2023 08:32

Thank you for making the thread @rainawf this is something I could really benefit from too

flashbac · 03/12/2023 10:21

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/12/2023 04:56

This isn’t my experience but I met someone in a psych ward who said he had started with just “hello” to himself of a morning. Just treating himself like person.

I don't know why but this brought a tear to my eye!

Loving this thread.