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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would your DP / DH react to ... ?

36 replies

Worriedaboutleaving · 26/08/2023 23:22

... the murders that are in the news at the moment?

I mention I’m a bit distressed about all the children and women murdered in the news at the mo and the all the seemingly normal men / people that are doing it – what’s driving them to do it? DH said and what about the Lucy letby murders – that’s a woman and she’s the 4th person to have got a life sentence. I said I know and I’m not being sexist at all, it just concerns me that these people have been killed and the murderers are just ‘normal’ people that we see around us. And there seems to be more and more in the news. DH reverts back to the lucy case and how she’s the 4th person to have got a life sentence and when I say yes I know but I’m not talking about her specifically – just the number of murders that are happening at the moment – he says that yes but you have to accept that. And there’s an element of risk with going out of the house. I said I’m not worried about that per se and asked if he felt disgusted by people being murdered and he said ‘I accept that it happens’.

I found the lack of empathy a bit shocking tbh. Absolutely zero acknowledgement of the situation ... or even how I felt about it.

Or is this just a man thing?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 27/08/2023 00:09

Er, difficult to understand what exactly you want him to say, so no, it's not "a man thing" it's just a normal human response.

Any murder is an awful, terrible thing to happen. Some murders capture our imaginations more than others - often because you can relate to the victim on some way, or sometimes because it happens locally - but each one is a horrific thing. However there have always been murders and I am not aware there has been a sudden recent spate of murders.

I am not sure what you are referring to in saying all the children and women murdered in the news at the mo and the all the seemingly normal men / people that are doing it if I am honest.

RandomButtons · 27/08/2023 00:11

“DH reverts back to the lucy case and how she’s the 4th person to have got a life sentence”

fact check - 4th ever woman to get whole life sentence. There’s be so many men it’s not worth mentioning in the news.

ASeriesOfTubes · 27/08/2023 00:13

Statistically he's the person most likely to murder you so maybe he's just playing it cool for now.

RandomButtons · 27/08/2023 00:14

Stats:
”Whole life orders have been reportedly issued in approximately 100 cases since introduction in 1983”

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_prisoners_with_whole_life_orders

so approx 96 men vs 4 women…

List of prisoners with whole life orders - Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_prisoners_with_whole_life_orders

Whatsthepoint1234 · 27/08/2023 00:16

My dh (and me to a certain extent) are the same. I’m diagnosed autistic and he is undiagnosed but almost definitely. I felt upset and the LL case but most others, I accept it’s sad and not good and move on, I don’t feel disgusted unless it’s something very close to home or involving kids (I have two dc). Dh is the same. He is a surgeon and I’m a nurse so we are exposed to more death. At work I feel sad for the family but it doesn’t affect me too much unless it’s a younger person, someone with kids or someone I got to know quite well.

UndercoverCop · 27/08/2023 00:16

The Letby case is unusual, serial killers (different to mass or multiple murders) are rare especially female ones. However I see horrific violence, murder and sexual violence every day at work, wouldn't do me any good to be disgusted. It's doesn't mean I lack empathy or think it's ok, it's not, big part of the I do the job I do, to protect the public. He's right, it happens, it's always happened, no point letting fear responses take over.

UndercoverCop · 27/08/2023 00:18

@RandomButtons plus IPPs who can be recalled and ostensibly kept in prison for the rest of their lives.

Original poster
Worriedaboutleaving · 27/08/2023 00:20

@UndercoverCop I have no fear response - I’m just feeling disgusted and saddened by all the murders that are taking place

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 27/08/2023 00:21

@Worriedaboutleaving to what end?

Hawkins009 · 27/08/2023 00:21

Whatsthepoint1234 · 27/08/2023 00:16

My dh (and me to a certain extent) are the same. I’m diagnosed autistic and he is undiagnosed but almost definitely. I felt upset and the LL case but most others, I accept it’s sad and not good and move on, I don’t feel disgusted unless it’s something very close to home or involving kids (I have two dc). Dh is the same. He is a surgeon and I’m a nurse so we are exposed to more death. At work I feel sad for the family but it doesn’t affect me too much unless it’s a younger person, someone with kids or someone I got to know quite well.

Would you say that after a while because your in the environment of it all, that you begin to become immune to the psychology of the situations ?

Hopefully I've worded my question in a respectful and sensitive manner.

Original poster
Worriedaboutleaving · 27/08/2023 00:23

@UndercoverCop as a human response

OP posts:
WhyDoesItAlways · 27/08/2023 00:25

RandomButtons · 27/08/2023 00:14

Stats:
”Whole life orders have been reportedly issued in approximately 100 cases since introduction in 1983”

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_prisoners_with_whole_life_orders

so approx 96 men vs 4 women…

Also as far as I am aware 2 of those are rose west and Myra hindley so I would probably also chuck the names Fred and Ian out there if he's thinking that 4 female whole lifers is any kind of statistical argument for his case.

UndercoverCop · 27/08/2023 00:26

Being saddened and disgusted won't change anything and surely if you feel that way you would want things to change. Horrific crimes have taken place since time began, it's not a surprise, violence is a part of human behaviour. If you feel strongly why not get involved in a career or volunteering that protects or supports those directly affected. That's how I and a lot of my colleagues direct our passion.
Otherwise it's just getting het up and that seems like wasted energy that's not helping anyone.

Original poster
Worriedaboutleaving · 27/08/2023 00:28

@UndercoverCop is just a conversation with my partner relating to what’s in the news at the moment. It doesn’t warrant a career change.

OP posts:
NewName122 · 27/08/2023 00:28

Yabu!

ReginaPerrin · 27/08/2023 00:29

ASeriesOfTubes · 27/08/2023 00:13

Statistically he's the person most likely to murder you so maybe he's just playing it cool for now.

🤣

UndercoverCop · 27/08/2023 00:37

@Worriedaboutleaving I'm saying I see his point, it's not that these things are fine but they are a fact of life and Letby is a rare occurrence, only 4 women ever to get a whole life term, so not something to be concerned about being likely. PP is right you're more at risk from him than a random murderer.
You seem to feel strongly but the way you are directing that it's not achieving anything, so why get bogged down in the emotional response. FWIW I don't think he's showing a lack of empathy he's just pragmatic.

OilOfRoses · 27/08/2023 00:41

It's always sad and terrible but these things have always happened. Maybe your husband just feels changing it isn't something he has power to do so just acknowledges the fact it happens?

VeridicalVagabond · 27/08/2023 00:47

What did you want him to say?

I'm curious because I'm with him, awful things happen but I can't imagine getting personally upset or disgusted about every murder I read or hear about. I'm capable of acknowledging that they're awful, and that its sad for the people directly involved, but I don't feel particularly sad or upset myself. It's not right or fair or good but violence amongst humans is just a fact of life.

I don't think there's been an especially higher than average spate of murders recently either.

mathanxiety · 27/08/2023 00:47

He took your comment as a direct criticism of him because he's a man. Or a direct criticism of all men and felt it personally because he's a man.

This is what we're up against, as women trying to make our world a safer place.

This is how NAMALT came about, and the mind fucking whataboutery you experienced tonight. This is also how victims of rape get blamed - because men refuse to accept there is something wrong with the way they treat women (and each other).

I think your partner's response was that of a complete dick.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 27/08/2023 00:48

You're reinforcing his point by mentioning Letby by name but not naming the other cases that have upset you.
Some women have a tipping point when they shift from denial about the violence inflicted on women by men into recognising how prevalent it is. Maybe you've just reached it.
If I said to my DH I'm disgusted by 'the murders' he'd wonder why I was being so unspecific. But it wouldn't be a surprise to him that I'm concerned about VAWG. We discuss it often.

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/08/2023 01:12

ASeriesOfTubes · 27/08/2023 00:13

Statistically he's the person most likely to murder you so maybe he's just playing it cool for now.

🤣🤣🤣 brilliant

Catsmere · 27/08/2023 05:10

mathanxiety · 27/08/2023 00:47

He took your comment as a direct criticism of him because he's a man. Or a direct criticism of all men and felt it personally because he's a man.

This is what we're up against, as women trying to make our world a safer place.

This is how NAMALT came about, and the mind fucking whataboutery you experienced tonight. This is also how victims of rape get blamed - because men refuse to accept there is something wrong with the way they treat women (and each other).

I think your partner's response was that of a complete dick.

Seconded.

noworklifebalance · 27/08/2023 06:23

mathanxiety · 27/08/2023 00:47

He took your comment as a direct criticism of him because he's a man. Or a direct criticism of all men and felt it personally because he's a man.

This is what we're up against, as women trying to make our world a safer place.

This is how NAMALT came about, and the mind fucking whataboutery you experienced tonight. This is also how victims of rape get blamed - because men refuse to accept there is something wrong with the way they treat women (and each other).

I think your partner's response was that of a complete dick.

Exactly.

fedupnow2 · 27/08/2023 06:29

What did you want him to say or do? Sounds like you were wanting a specific response. What is he meant to do about you feeling distressed?