How would your DP / DH react to ... ?

[Worriedaboutleaving]

... the murders that are in the news at the moment?

I mention I’m a bit distressed about all the children and women murdered in the news at the mo and the all the seemingly normal men / people that are doing it – what’s driving them to do it? DH said and what about the Lucy letby murders – that’s a woman and she’s the 4th person to have got a life sentence. I said I know and I’m not being sexist at all, it just concerns me that these people have been killed and the murderers are just ‘normal’ people that we see around us. And there seems to be more and more in the news. DH reverts back to the lucy case and how she’s the 4th person to have got a life sentence and when I say yes I know but I’m not talking about her specifically – just the number of murders that are happening at the moment – he says that yes but you have to accept that. And there’s an element of risk with going out of the house. I said I’m not worried about that per se and asked if he felt disgusted by people being murdered and he said ‘I accept that it happens’.

I found the lack of empathy a bit shocking tbh. Absolutely zero acknowledgement of the situation ... or even how I felt about it.

Or is this just a man thing?

You have worded exactly how I feel. Yes it's sad but I don't think anyone who doesn't feel as 'distressed' as you is disgusting. I've had a baby recently and although the LL case is awful, putting it into perspective - it didn't happen to me, stuff like that is rare and it's something horrible that just happened. I don't think it makes me lack empathy.
I would be really annoyed if my dh didn't this to me.

I said I’m not worried about that per se and asked if he felt disgusted by people being murdered and he said ‘I accept that it happens’.

I'm the same as him, accept it happens and there is zero I can do about it.

Not getting dramatic over someone else's trauma doesn't mean you don't think its sad or awful. And accepting that something that happens at a fairly consistent rate happens also doesn't mean you lack empathy.

I'm unsure on what you'd expect his response to be. I think I'd feel slightly bemused in his position.

🤷‍♀️ I mean you clearly wanted a specific response, why not just tell him what you want him to say next time and save yourself the time of questioning him into a corner? People have always been murdered. Murderers have always looked like ordinary people, because much as we might not like to acknowledge it, that's exactly what they are. Nothing new.

The overwhelming majority of violent crime is committed by men. And until
men acknowledge this and start working to change that, it will always be the same.

Theres always been murders. I would bet there hasn't been a sudden surge you have just been more triggered by the recent cases.

Interesting. Considering men commit 90% of all violent crime (and 98% of all sexual crime), there 'could' be up to 10 women on that list. There's only 4. Being pedantic, you could say the very worst crimes are even more overwhelmingly committed by men.

Anyone who uses an anomaly statistic as 'proof' that the majority statistic (that men are overwhelming violent crime perpetrators) doesn't matter or isn't 'as bad' is thick as mince.

Whataboutery is an argument tactic used by those who have no argument. It's designed purely to distract your energy towards defending something irrelevant, rather than continue to support your original point.

You might also ask yourself why he feels so personally attacked by a simple statistic. A statistic so skewed towards one sex, he feels the need to defend it because he happens to be that sex.

Less seriously, 'women' are given blanket stereotypes that misogynists some people apply to 'all women'. Golddiggers, using men as sperm donors and child support by 'trapping them', getting called a 'Karen' for standing up for herself and being assertive... these are just off the top of my head... women in the workplace are called 'ballbreakers' and 'aggressive' where men doing the same thing are simply called 'assertive', or it's not mentioned at all as it's expected from men.

I don't take any of these personally, as a woman. Because they don't apply to me. I'm sure there are women about who trap men or manipulate a pregnancy, or get with/stay with a man for his money. But it doesn't hurt me so personally that I feel the need to start going on about 'men do it too!' (cocklodgers?).

I would only do that if the statements had touched a nerve. The other two examples, I am actually 'guilty' of standing up for myself in a calm and measured way in my personal life and the workplace. If people don't like a woman doing that, they need to go back to the 19th century. It's a them problem.

So why is he, instead of acknowledging the problem of male violence, putting distractions into the argument so that he can bury his head in the sand? If he got on board with not condoning the overwhelming violence of men, and society somehow eradicated it, the majority of violent crime would be eradicated too...

Just point out the statistics in my first paragraph, and then take the recent murders in the news, and the stats of male/female perpertrators will still be roughly in line with those stats. They always are. It's not a close 'race' in the slightest.

Statistically, men ,particularly young men are more likely to be victims in murder cases. The murderers are more likely to be men too, in the 1960s the victims were more or less 50/50 male /female. Those stats are from the government website.
What did you want him to say? Did you want a debate? Were you distressed and wanting him to reassure you, or provide comfort?

I am confused.

Women and children and men have always been murdered in fairly high numbers. It’s recently become something you are concerned about. Even though it’s not new. Your upset over it is new.

So a few months ago, a year ago it wasn’t upsetting you. But you now expect him to be exactly aligned to you, now it is bothering you.

Maybe in a few months, he will (for no reason) also be concerned about an ongoing issue. Would you expect to align exactly with what he thought?

I don’t think there especially are more murders in the news than usual tbh; men have always killed women- nothing changes. He’s using Letby as a distraction from continuous patterns of male violence

You all make very good points. Thank you. I guess I was being as clear (or not!) to you as I was to him!

Every time there’s a murder in the news - I find it sad to think about the fear that person must have felt, and what their families are going through now.

Maybe there hasn’t been a spate but I thought there had been and that’s what I was commenting on. There are a few stabbings in my area each year too so that all adds up in my mind.