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Original poster

Excluded by friend's DP, how would you handle?

38 replies

wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 20:58

I'm part of a close group of female friends.

We've all been friends for 15 years or so. There are 8 or 9 of us so naturally some are closer friends than others.

Those that are closer sometimes meet 1-2-1 but generally speaking, when we meet in a group everyone is invited.

Last weekend a few of us were out for dinner (the others couldn't make it).

Let's call one of the women who couldn't make the dinner Lucy. She has a partner who we'll call Dave. Lucy and Dave live together in Lucy's house (it's not jointly owned, it's very much Lucy's as Dave is a bit of a cocklodger but that's a whole different thread).

So, over dinner it came up in conversation that most of the group and their partners had been invited to spend that Sunday doing an activity to celebrate Dave's big birthday. Then they'd been invited back to Lucy & Dave's for a BBQ/chilled house party.

Me and my DH were not invited. Two other couples in the group also weren't invited (they tend to be less involved in the group generally through their own choice/priorities, not sure if this relevant).

Lucy had apparently brought up with Dave that the invite should be wider and had told the others she was feeling unhappy that Dave was dictating who she could have at her own house.

It feels quite hurtful to be purposefully excluded. I always thought that I got on fairly well with Dave, we've always had pleasant chats and never had a cross word of any kind.

So how would you handle this - I'm not proposing to make a big deal out of it but would you say or do anything differently in terms of Lucy and/or Dave?

I'd feel quite awkward going to Lucy's in the future, effectively knowing that her DP clearly dislikes me (or my husband, or both!).

Would you say anything next time you saw him or leave it?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/08/2023 21:00

Reach out and make sure she’s ok.

Notthisnotthat · 26/08/2023 21:04

A close friend of mine DP doesn't approve of me, I've been excluded, included and then cancelled on for gatherings organised by him even for her birthday. I reach out to her and we get together on our own and always outside of their home. I don't make an issue out of it, I think he is a total twat but if she is happy that's all that matters.

Ragwort · 26/08/2023 21:05

What do you expect people to say? Not everyone likes everyone ... I feel a little sad that my DH doesn't get on with my closest friend & her DH (we met at school nearly 60 years ago Grin) ... both couples married over 30 years so no 'new' friendships but I can understand why my DH feels they have nothing in common and I just accept that we meet up separately.

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 21:10

Sounds like he knows you’re on to him that he is a cocklodger and wants to punish you for it.

As Lucy is aware he is excluding you, there’s not much you can do.

But I would just be cooly polite to him from now, no more chats.

Any chance you could exclude him but include Lucy in your next gathering?

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 21:11

Ragwort · 26/08/2023 21:05

What do you expect people to say? Not everyone likes everyone ... I feel a little sad that my DH doesn't get on with my closest friend & her DH (we met at school nearly 60 years ago Grin) ... both couples married over 30 years so no 'new' friendships but I can understand why my DH feels they have nothing in common and I just accept that we meet up separately.

Excluding just one the closely involved couples is sending a clear message though.

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 21:13

It’s his birthday so wouldn’t it make sense that he invited the people he likes most or is closest too? Does it necessarily mean he doesn’t like you? He could just not consider himself that close to you.

Obviously if he’s said she cannot invite you to her house that is out of line and controlling. But if it’s just not attendance this birthday surely that’s just up to him to invite those he’s closest to?

Sounds like there is a wider context though so maybe he is just an arse. But I wouldn’t take one lack on invite, in its own, as a big deal.

foolishone · 26/08/2023 21:14

You can't really say anything because it was his birthday not hers.
Whatever the reason he didn't invite everyone, it's his choice and it wasn't personal to you specifically because there were other people also not invited.

I've got friends I've known 20 years and whilst I'll see their partners in the odd group night out, I'd never expect to be invited to their birthday.

Focus on making sure Lucy is ok and you're there for support if needed.

Furryrug · 26/08/2023 21:19

If it was Dave's birthday then I would guess he's invited his friends or people he gets on most with. He may chat with you but doesn't feel that close to you. I wouldn't dwell on it.

WillowCraft · 26/08/2023 21:26

I think you have to let it go. Perhaps there were limits on numbers, perhaps he doesn't like you as much as some others. It's his do not Lucy's, maybe there were other friends that you don't know involved. I wouldn't necessarily invite all my partner's friends to my birthday do either - nothing against them but I'd prioritise my own friends.

CClaire · 26/08/2023 21:33

But it’s his birthday. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. You’re his partner’s friend, it’s not as if you’re in a couples friendship group. I’ve got a big birthday coming up and I didn’t want my husband’s friends outnumbering mine 😂 hopefully they’re not this sensitive!

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/08/2023 21:37

Agree with others that it’s Dave’s birthday and you’re his partner’s friend rather than his. You say that you’ve “always had pleasant chats” with him so it doesn’t sound as though you’re particularly close or spend a lot of time together. It wouldn’t occur to me to invite the partner of one of DH’s friend’s and their husband to my birthday, if the extent of our relationship was “pleasant chats.” It doesn’t mean he actively dislikes you or that you have to feel awkward about going to their house when you’ve been invited by Lucy who is your friend.

Original poster
wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 21:39

I wouldn't say he's closer to the others/other male partners per se.

He doesn't see any more of them, than us.

But obviously just likes them and not us.

Which is fair enough, I just can't imagine being that 'mean' personally. It seems very mean spirited to me to invite some people in a close group and not others.

It's not something I would do personally (or be okay with my DH doing).

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 21:40

I would just exclude the twat in future, OP. He wants to send you a message.

FrippEnos · 26/08/2023 21:41

wheresmymojo

Its easy to see why he likes them more when you consider him to be a cocklodger.

Original poster
wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 21:43

CClaire · 26/08/2023 21:33

But it’s his birthday. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. You’re his partner’s friend, it’s not as if you’re in a couples friendship group. I’ve got a big birthday coming up and I didn’t want my husband’s friends outnumbering mine 😂 hopefully they’re not this sensitive!

To be clear I'm not bothered about not being invited per se and I wouldn't expect an invitation.

It's more that to invite most of the couple in our group but not us seems unnecessarily mean when he doesn't see the other people any more (it's not the case that he's closer with some of us).

There was no limit on numbers and no money impact either as everyone paid for themselves and in our group you take your own food/drink to BBQs.

OP posts:
HennyPenny1234 · 26/08/2023 21:44

You are bothered, you've started a thread about it

Original poster
wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 21:44

FrippEnos · 26/08/2023 21:41

wheresmymojo

Its easy to see why he likes them more when you consider him to be a cocklodger.

We all consider him a cocklodger. A few things came out about things he's done or said at one of our days out earlier in the year and we all hold a very dim view of him since then.

OP posts:
WunWun · 26/08/2023 21:45

I would drop him completely. Wouldn't say more than an unenthusiastic hello at group events. I would be the same as normal with Lucy as it seems he is controlling. I wouldn't go to their house though and I would explain to Lucy precisely why if she questioned it

Original poster
wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 21:47

Sorry i obviously wasn't clear...

I'm not bothered about being invited in and of itself. If he'd just invited his mates and their partners to his birthday I wouldn't have been bothered at all.

I am bothered that he invited most of our specific group (none of which he's any closer to, none of which are his mates) but excluded us.

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 21:49

Personally if my DH said he wanted to invite some of my friendship group but not others, I would tell him that we needed to open it up to everyone or not invite anyone.

(I'm not saying Lucy didn't do that - I'm just saying it's this element I'm bothered about)

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 26/08/2023 21:50

It seems very mean spirited to me to invite some people in a close group and not others.

But you’re a close group, you said in your OP, because of all the women friends. In these sorts of dynamics, the men often get drawn into the group by their partners, but wouldn’t actively choose to be friends with all of the other men in it of their own volition, and don’t consider the women in it their own friends at all. It’s unrealistic to expect whole group invitations to birthdays when you’re not actually the group of the person having the birthday.

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 26/08/2023 21:50

I’d be fucked if he ever came to mine again, but I would invite my mate always on her own and expect her to come out of understanding and loyalty.

Original poster
wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 21:58

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/08/2023 21:50

It seems very mean spirited to me to invite some people in a close group and not others.

But you’re a close group, you said in your OP, because of all the women friends. In these sorts of dynamics, the men often get drawn into the group by their partners, but wouldn’t actively choose to be friends with all of the other men in it of their own volition, and don’t consider the women in it their own friends at all. It’s unrealistic to expect whole group invitations to birthdays when you’re not actually the group of the person having the birthday.

I completely get that, but none of us are 'in the group of the person having the birthday' so why invite some and not others?

Especially if your DP is saying that she'd like everyone to come to the BBQ at her house (and it costs you no money)

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresmymojo · 26/08/2023 22:04

I say the above as apparently Lucy had been saying how unhappy she was that "she couldn't even invite her own friends to her own house"

So it wasn't just a passive thing (I.e. he just invited people he liked the most and didn't think about the fact it might be a bit mean).

He actively said Lucy couldn't invite us to the BBQ at her house.

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 26/08/2023 22:19

For a close friendship group of 8 or 9 women, to expect all the partners to also get along well with all the other women and partners is way too much to expect. It hurts as you are one of the couples excluded this time but your friend's DH isn't being unreasonable. I definitely can't name 9 friends where my DH likes all of their husbands! Let alone in one single friendship group.

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