Excluded by friend's DP, how would you handle?

[wheresmymojo]

I'm part of a close group of female friends.

We've all been friends for 15 years or so. There are 8 or 9 of us so naturally some are closer friends than others.

Those that are closer sometimes meet 1-2-1 but generally speaking, when we meet in a group everyone is invited.

Last weekend a few of us were out for dinner (the others couldn't make it).

Let's call one of the women who couldn't make the dinner Lucy. She has a partner who we'll call Dave. Lucy and Dave live together in Lucy's house (it's not jointly owned, it's very much Lucy's as Dave is a bit of a cocklodger but that's a whole different thread).

So, over dinner it came up in conversation that most of the group and their partners had been invited to spend that Sunday doing an activity to celebrate Dave's big birthday. Then they'd been invited back to Lucy & Dave's for a BBQ/chilled house party.

Me and my DH were not invited. Two other couples in the group also weren't invited (they tend to be less involved in the group generally through their own choice/priorities, not sure if this relevant).

Lucy had apparently brought up with Dave that the invite should be wider and had told the others she was feeling unhappy that Dave was dictating who she could have at her own house.

It feels quite hurtful to be purposefully excluded. I always thought that I got on fairly well with Dave, we've always had pleasant chats and never had a cross word of any kind.

So how would you handle this - I'm not proposing to make a big deal out of it but would you say or do anything differently in terms of Lucy and/or Dave?

I'd feel quite awkward going to Lucy's in the future, effectively knowing that her DP clearly dislikes me (or my husband, or both!).

Would you say anything next time you saw him or leave it?

I am bothered that he invited most of our specific group (none of which he's any closer to, none of which are his mates) but excluded us.

Clearly he is closer to some than others, hence why he invited some not others. You can't be hurt by that as you don't like him and aren't bothered by not being invited in and of itself. It's Dave's big birthday not Lucy's friends party, so Dave should have who he wants there.

I would be encouraging Lucy to be careful of this loser.

I wouldn't be the least bothered at not being invited and I would say it too to others.

We all consider him a cocklodger. A few things came out about things he's done or said at one of our days out earlier in the year and we all hold a very dim view of him since then I wonder whether the others are better at hiding it than you are and he realises that you see him for what he is? Or have you said something that could have got back to him via someone’s partner?

I don’t think I’d mention it or say anything about it to anyone and if Lucy mentions it, maybe just say that you were a little worried you’d said something to upset him, but it’s absolutely not a problem and you can see her another time. Then like fuck would I ever invite him to anything ever again & each time I saw him, he’d get icy politeness and excuses that you must go and say hello to your other friends.

it's not jointly owned, it's very much Lucy's as Dave is a bit of a cocklodger but that's a whole different thread).
He actively said Lucy couldn't invite us to the BBQ at her house.

I can see why he's a 'cocklodger' as it's 'her' house and he's still seen as a visitor rather than his home. With the attitude I can see why he wouldn't invite you. I wouldn't either.

This year I was actively excluded from a regular activity I go to with a fairly fixed group of individuals over many years. Plans were changed at the last minute and I was notified very late. The outcome was that I had to drive myself and take my own food (to a group activity). I decided that no-one was going to upset my perspective of the event - so I drove myself (in my sports car), took enough alcohol to drown a battleship (for sharing), took enough food to feed a country, carried the bags to the table and giggled and laughed all night. Part of the issue turned out to be that one of my friends had had to take over caring for one of their parents - sorting out care homes, move etc. The other - the other organiser really doesn't acknowledge me. He loved one item I took to the event - I gave it to him graciously with love and sent the rest I had later on by post. No-one that evening would have known how pissed off I was.

So for your friend's partner's "big" birthday I would send a lovely card, with suitable message and a decent present (if you can afford it and I don't mean £100's). But the message here to your friend and the rest of the group is that it's fine not be invited and you don't hold a grudge. That holds any gossip or bitchiness immediately. But now YOU know. And that is good information to have for going forward. I do agree with many of the other posters that of course not all partners will gell and this is his birthday celebration.

You don't know the whole story (I was clear that there is one but it just isn't relevant to this thread).

I would feel upset and excluded in this situation too. However, I don't think it's relevant in this situation where the party is, as long as Lucy is free to invite you over other times. But it sounds like you don't like Dave, so at least you're spared a night of having to be in his company.

I would organise something nice to do that evening, maybe with the others who weren't invited. And I certainly wouldn't send him a present as PP suggested. I think that would look a bit desperate. PP's situation is different as she was actually invited to the gathering, even if it was last minute.

OP said him being a cocklodger is a whole other thread and she hasn't given us the story about it so you can't possibly know why he wouldn't invite her. Are you his mum?

It's relevant in that you probably come across as someone who actively dislikes him so why would he want you at his birthday do.

You called him a cocklodger in your first post and now you are wondering why he didn't invite you to his big birthday do! And I know you didn't call him that to his face, but he probably senses that you don't like him.

Why would he invite someone who clearly does not like him to his own birthday party?

No idea why others are being pedantic, OP, I completely agree with you. It would be different if he specifically got on well with 3 out of 9 of the male partners so just invited them to his birthday but not the other 6. Or if it was an activity with set numbers where you had to draw a line somewhere. But for a group of 7 of the 'closer' couples, to invite 6 and leave 1 out is rude. Particularly in a group that size (and I'm assuming he'd invite some of his own mates as well), he'd barely have to interact with you and your partner if he didn't want to. Even if he didn't particularly like you and your DP, unless he actively had a reason to dislike you, it wouldn't have killed him to have just added you on for Lucy's sake, given she was hosting the party for him and she's probably feeling awkward about you finding out you've been excluded.

I can only assume he doesn't like either you/your DP for some reason - perhaps he's realised you're not a fan of him (but hasn't realised the rest of the group feel the same way!). Or perhaps it's as random as you/dp supporting a rival sports team or whatever. either way, not sure what you can really 'do' about it - if he doesn't like you then leaving him out of future invites is hardly a punishment for him, but would be for Lucy.

Oops didn't notice how old this was ignore me