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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband is really annoying.

40 replies

ClippyClopp · 26/08/2023 17:51

I think my husband is having some sort of mid life crisis. His behaviour has changed over the last 6 months or so and I’m really struggling to live with him.

He’s become very needy and seems to require a lot of attention. He’ll follow me around the house asking what I’m doing or talk at me about things which are completely uninteresting. He seems to require acknowledgment or recognition if he does something which is not at all out of the ordinary.

I’ve recently lost a couple of stones in weight and he keeps telling me how gorgeous he thinks I am, which I appreciate, but he takes it that step further and keeps trying to feel my breasts or grope me, like when I’m making dinner, or when I get in from work. He’s not a sex pest as he never expects it but he has developed this need to ‘play’ or have ‘a laugh’. He thinks it’s all banter and that I should be grateful he finds me ‘so attractive’.

I’ve told him I find this behaviour deeply unattractive and that he needs to recognise boundaries but he just says he doesn’t understand boundaries and responds with ‘you love me really’.

Will this pass? He’s almost 60 and I’m early 40’s if that’s relevant. We’ve been happily married for 18 years.

OP posts:

thecatinthetwat · 26/08/2023 17:53

It’s a no from me.

moomoosaka · 26/08/2023 17:53

Leave him

fetchacloth · 26/08/2023 17:56

I agree with the other posters, leave him and look elsewhere. You deserve better than this.

ArcticLadybird · 26/08/2023 17:58

Yuck.

Ohffsherewegoagain · 26/08/2023 17:59

I would guess that he is feeling insecure as he’s aging and you have likely become more attractive with your recent weight loss? Maybe he just needs a bit of reassurance from you?

ThereIbledit · 26/08/2023 18:01

he just says he doesn’t understand boundaries and responds with ‘you love me really’.

Ew.

Biscuitandacuppa · 26/08/2023 18:02

Has he recently retired? I wonder if he is feeling concerned about the age gap, he is getting older and you have lost weight and therefore (in his eyes) might be tempted by a younger prospect?

It would really affect how I felt about a partner who behaved like that though. Have you sat down and had a calm discussion with him? Tell him straight, it’s not ok, it’s not funny and you don’t love it really. He needs to stop it or it’s marriage counselling because he is objectifying you and it’s ruining your relationship.

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 18:03

Next time he gropes tell him you’ll kick him in the balls if he gropes you again.

He has zero respect for you and he sounds annoying as fuck.

Tell him to go the fuck away coldly next time he follows you.

Duvetdayforme · 26/08/2023 18:04

Eww! Yuck 🤢

inkyfingers · 26/08/2023 18:05

After 18 years together I assume you can talk to him? But leave him, really?

WhisperingHi · 26/08/2023 18:09

I agree with a previous poster, I reckon he feels a bit insecure about your weight loss and his perceived increase in your attractiveness, and feels he needs to step up the sex, maybe to keep you?

When do you have the conversations about how you feel about this? In passing or properly sat down? If you feel seriously about this, I would sit down for a proper chat and explain that you love him but his behaviour is making you feel a bit grossed out and you're worried that if he continues, you may be put off him longer term. If he doesn't listen to that, then really there's no hope.

Original poster

ClippyClopp · 26/08/2023 18:11

Biscuitandacuppa · 26/08/2023 18:02

Has he recently retired? I wonder if he is feeling concerned about the age gap, he is getting older and you have lost weight and therefore (in his eyes) might be tempted by a younger prospect?

Edited

He still works (from home) but says he feels depressed and misses me constantly. I have told him he needs to stop but he just says he can’t help it. He regularly tells me what an amazing person I am on how lucky he is, he tells me he has the deepest respect for me but just can’t help this behaviour as he feels compelled’. I think he’s insecure as regularly puts himself down. I am very supportive towards him but he just needs too much from me. He’s completely different to how he used to be.

OP posts:

ThereIbledit · 26/08/2023 18:24

he tells me he has the deepest respect for me but just can’t help this behaviour as he feels compelled’.

His actions aren't those of somebody who has respect for you, have you told him that?

he just says he can’t help it

Ask him if he can help it if there was a massive muscular guy pointing a gun at him. Maybe that will get the point home.

Garihairy · 26/08/2023 18:27

Has the change in his behaviour been since you lost weight? I tend to agree that it does sound like that's making him feel insecure.

What he needs to realise that him dismissing your unhappiness with his behaviour is more likely to have you leaving him than the fact that you have lost weight.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/08/2023 18:28

He sounds like a sexual predator. He 'can't help himself'? He clearly can, otherwise he'd be touching and grabbing every attractive woman.

I'd be very clear. Touching without consent is sexual assault. He is telling you that your preferences don't matter and he will sexually assault you regardless. If this continues you will leave and report him to the police. You love him but every time he does this he is going to chip away at that until all you feel is disgust at the lack of respect. I'd also be suggesting he needs to go to the doctors as not being able to control your base desires in a socially acceptable manner is one of the signs of dementia

I suspect others are right about his motivations, he genuinely does find you attractive and is trying in a really ham fisted 'I can't keep my hands off you' type of way to tell you. He is also insecure and is wanting some reassurance. However he should use his words instead of his gropey hands to convey this

10HailMarys · 26/08/2023 18:29

I’ve told him I find this behaviour deeply unattractive and that he needs to recognise boundaries but he just says he doesn’t understand boundaries

He can fuck RIGHT off then

gamerchick · 26/08/2023 18:33

Sounds like your weight loss has unsettled him a bit. Especially as there's a bit of an age gap. I'm in my 40s and husband turned 60 this year. He had a wobble that I was going to get tired of an old man. It didn't last long but he took turning 60 a bit hard I think.

Duvetdayforme · 26/08/2023 19:47

I agree with PP. All this shite about “I dont understand boundaries” he means he doesn’t give respect you at all.

Thelonelygiraffe · 26/08/2023 20:10

If this is new behaviour and he has been respectful, etc. before, maybe he is depressed. He needs to see a GP.

But whether or not he's depressed, he should respect your boundaries.

Is he getting to be an old man, stuck in his ways, unable to change his mind about things or take into account 'modern' ideas like feminism?! If so, you might have bigger problems. But if this is a sudden change of personality, he needs to find out what's wrong.

I bet it's linked to you losing weight and looking fab, and him feeling less masculine or powerful as he ages.

Fiery30 · 26/08/2023 20:12

I find the replies to leave him a bit extreme. You definitely need to sit down and have a calm, mature conversation regarding your feelings. Make it clear that he cannot brush them away and coat his actions as fun or love. If you don't like what he is doing, then how can it be fun? Any kind of sexual activity has to be enjoyed by both. Ask him the reason for his changed behaviour.
You say he might be depressed- has a GP or therapist been consulted? Does he have other hobbies, friends? Perhaps you can do a couple's activity together if he wants to spend time with you, making it clear that you need your space too.

Shoxfordian · 26/08/2023 20:12

Most sexual predators don’t understand boundaries op; you’re married to one

LaGiaconda · 26/08/2023 20:19

I think if he's not doing full-time hours - and it sounds as if he isn't - he should be preparing for eventual retirement. He could join the U3A, take up some new activity. That might stop him following you round.

I ended up having some marriage counselling after my husband's retirement and that helped us. I think it took him a while to get used to that stage of his life - and his efforts to adjust made him appear selfish. I genuinely don't think he could see quite how angry he was making me.

You are at different life stages and this is a challenge for your relationship. Age gaps don't matter as much when you are both young(ish).

10HailMarys · 26/08/2023 20:35

This made me physically shudder. Needy, clingy, suffocating and really fucking creepy. He 'feels compelled' to grope you when you've told him you hate it? He doesn't respect you, OP. Nobody who respects their partner constantly grabs their partner's body in a way they KNOW their partner finds repellent. He's like a giant sexualised toddler.

10HailMarys · 26/08/2023 20:37

gamerchick · 26/08/2023 18:33

Did he express that concern by repeatedly groping you after you'd told him you hated it, though?

Normal for someone to feel a bit insecure in a relationship, especially if they're a bit older and their partner has had a bit of a glow-up. But not normal to keep mauling their partner's tits at random,, when they've been repeatedly told their partner finds it repellent.

YukoandHiro · 26/08/2023 20:39

He's panicking - you've lost weight and he's looking at himself in the mirror and realised how old he is.
But obvs him doing this will just drive you away.

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