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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To bribe DS to go to a birthday celebration that he doesn't want to attend?

40 replies

musicvintage · 26/08/2023 17:31

I know I'm probably BU but I feel so sad for this child..

DS is 12 and going into year 8. one child has a very late birthday and isn't 12 until Tuesday. Next weekend he wanted a birthday celebration of watching a movie, getting Mcdonalds and playing with lego. He invited a few boys out of his classes including DS before school finished and they all said no.

DS went to nursery and primary school with this so he's known him for a while but has never said they're close. I'm friends with his mum but we aren't close, we have each others numbers as our younger children are close and often have play dates.

The mum messaged me and asked if DS wants to go, I've asked and again DS has refused and said he's childish and the movie he wants to watch will be childish also. The boy is the youngest in the year and DS has an October birthday so it may be why he sees the boy as childish. He says if he goes his friends will laugh at him as the boy is often alone at school.

WIBU to bribe him?

OP posts:

cheddercherry · 26/08/2023 21:31

As sad as it is for the boy forcing or bribing your son to go to his party won’t make them friends and as people have pointed out hearing that people were forced to hang out with him will be so crushing.

I’d be talking to my son about the importance of being kind and recognising not everyone has the same interest etc and make sure no bullying is going on, but ultimately it’s his choice and he’s also well within his rights to not want to hang out with someone he has no common interests with. You can’t make him be friends with someone he might genuinely not get on with, and not liking someone doesn’t automatically make him a horrible person either so I’d not come down to hard on him if that’s the case.

GertrudeJekyllRose · 26/08/2023 21:35

I'd encourage/mildly bribe my son to do the kind thing and attend the birthday event. It would mean a lot to the birthday boy, no one coming to the party would be so sad.

Anothernamethesamegame · 26/08/2023 21:38

Oh what a tough situation and so sad for the child involved. However I honestly don’t think it’s right to bribe your son to go to this child’s birthday. That wouldn’t be fair on him or the other child… who would end up with a fake friend reluctantly attending his birthday.

What I think you can do is talk to your son about how it might feel to be the odd one out and the one who has no friends. He doesn’t have to be this child’s friend or attend his party but maybe he can empathise with him a little better and maybe show some kindness in other ways.

Does he even like the friend as an individual?

NeedTheSeaside · 26/08/2023 21:41

@musicvintage

No, I wouldn't bribe him (not because I'm beyond bribery, simply because it'll come out at school & birthday boy will be humiliated).

i would be very upset if ones of my children behaved like your son and we would be having a very big chat about being his own 'man' and doing what he knows is right, not being so weak not to be able to tell the others to piss off & get a life.

The birthday boy is a year younger, & even if he wasn't he might just enjoy 'younger' movies & Lego (I'm 54 & loveLego)

How would he feel if it was him. I'd be telling Captain Cool that I thought he had more empathy & more self confidence & that I was very disappointed he was proving me wrong!

ChatBFP · 26/08/2023 21:50

Would your son like the boy or think he is really weird if his friends were not laughing? Worth asking.

If he would like him, then it is a peer pressure lesson.

If he really does dislike him, then it is a different conversation really.

But yes, I'd suggest cinema and McDonald's if it's an ok to going but not sure on film choice

Mercibuckets · 26/08/2023 22:20

I’ve always told DC to be their own person and I wonder whether it’s worth working on a bit with yours? Kids friendships often are horrible and they grow out of it, but its just worth keeping an eye on:

If he thinks his friends would laugh at who else he likes then it sounds like peer pressure and self confidence is a big of an issue.
If they actually laugh, then it sounds like like there’s a pecking order and he’s falling foul if it - not great for his self esteem in the long run.

On the birthday outing. I think the poster above is right - what does HE think of this other child? Even if does think the child is weird I would also talk about kindness, bullying and empathy. I would leave it in hands but guide at that age. All that said I do feel sad that a 12 year old had no one to hang out with at lunchtime or friends for a low-key birthday. Growing up is hard!

Smithy8001 · 26/08/2023 22:24

This has made me so sad for that poor little boy 😞

Mydustymonstera · 26/08/2023 22:40

sounds like the boy is being bullied and purposefully excluded.
were your son and he friends before this?
Mum needs to know so she can help. Shame it’s the school holidays. You may have to tell her yourself that is not going to be an easy conversation.
i really hope for his sake that if you approach it as a conv about bullying and peer pressure with your son, he could be part of turning this around.

TheaBrandt · 26/08/2023 22:46

Everytime I have done this it has gone horribly wrong. I made Dd go to my friends Dd birthday out of pity and it was a total disaster. Learn from my mistakes and let him decide

Beezknees · 26/08/2023 22:59

This is such a tricky situation. I don't think I'd bribe him.

I would be having a discussion with him about his so called "friends" to be honest. He needs to find better ones. Anyone who laughs at you is not a friend. Also I wouldn't be best pleased if my child was calling another child "weird".

NuffSaidSam · 26/08/2023 23:06

I wouldn't bribe him to go, but I'd have a big chat about being kind, not being a bully, not being the silent wimp who stands by and watches his friends bully someone. I'd ask him why he's friends with these other boys. It seems like the problem with your DS is much greater then whether he goes to a party or not.

ToWhitToWhoo · 27/08/2023 18:37

Actually, I don't think you're that U.

And to those who say that he shouldn't have to spend time with a child whose company he doesn't enjoy : I might agree if it was JUST his not enjoying it, but the fact that he is bringing up the fact that others may laugh at him because the other child is often alone, means that he is being (understandably at his age) tempted to pander to bullies and to a limited extent co-operate in bullying and exclusion. The fact that there are others applying pressure to reject this child makes it more important, not less so, to avoid rejecting him if possible. A child this age can't be expected to understand this fully, so if a small bribe is needed, I don't think it's so bad.

PrinceHaz · 15/10/2023 09:50

I think it depends on your son’s personality. If he is kind and empathetic, I would encourage him to do the right thing, explaining why it would be beneficial to the other boy etc.
If your son is not the above, I don’t think it would be of any benefit to push this. It won’t teach him to be inclusive or anything like that. It will just cause him a bit of anxiety and annoyance.

MyCircumference · 15/10/2023 09:59

what a horrible situation
i dont think i would bribe him though
can you speak to some of the other mothers and persuade that more of them go?

MyCircumference · 15/10/2023 10:01

oh i wondered why he wasnt yet 12,
this was posted in august.

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