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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bribe DS to go to a birthday celebration that he doesn't want to attend?

40 replies

musicvintage · 26/08/2023 17:31

I know I'm probably BU but I feel so sad for this child..

DS is 12 and going into year 8. one child has a very late birthday and isn't 12 until Tuesday. Next weekend he wanted a birthday celebration of watching a movie, getting Mcdonalds and playing with lego. He invited a few boys out of his classes including DS before school finished and they all said no.

DS went to nursery and primary school with this so he's known him for a while but has never said they're close. I'm friends with his mum but we aren't close, we have each others numbers as our younger children are close and often have play dates.

The mum messaged me and asked if DS wants to go, I've asked and again DS has refused and said he's childish and the movie he wants to watch will be childish also. The boy is the youngest in the year and DS has an October birthday so it may be why he sees the boy as childish. He says if he goes his friends will laugh at him as the boy is often alone at school.

WIBU to bribe him?

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 26/08/2023 17:32

Yes you would be unreasonable.
How would you feel if he decided which adults you could hang out with?

Glorifried · 26/08/2023 17:35

That's so sad for the little boy whose birthday it is.

I would want my DS to go and be nice but I'd understand if it was a hard no. (Unless he'd already said yes and has changed his mind, in which case I would make him go.)

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 26/08/2023 17:38

Oh god what a horrible position to be in op.
Problem is if he goes, the other lad might assune they will be good friends from now on.
Heartbreaking

Clefable · 26/08/2023 17:38

That's so sad Sad I know bribery isn't the answer but gosh I would want my DC to go or to suggest it herself if she knew no one else was going.

longestlurkerever · 26/08/2023 17:39

Tricky. I'd probably try a modest bribe "go to the party and I'll pick you up and take you to x after...." Kind of thing.

10HailMarys · 26/08/2023 17:39

It's a very difficult one, this.

I also feel incredibly sorry for the other child (and for his mum) but ultimately, I also feel sorry for any kid who is forced to spend time with another child whose company they don't enjoy. I can remember being pushed to spend time with a child I didn't really get along with (admittedly I was younger than your son at the time) and pretty much counting the minutes until it was time for my mum to come and pick me up.

Clefable · 26/08/2023 17:40

Could he go to the film but not do the playing with Lego bit?

Clefable · 26/08/2023 17:41

And honestly I don't think it's the worst lesson to learn that sometimes we might do something we don't enjoy or wouldn't choose to make a big difference to someone else. But that does need to come partly from him too.

Nappyvalley15 · 26/08/2023 17:46

If I knew he would be nice to the boy I would probably just ask him to go to the film with him.

Cropout · 26/08/2023 17:57

Ah poor lad (the birthday one but shame for your boy to be in an awkward situation too)
can you have a good chat to your son about how the other lad would feel if he did/didn’t go? And suggest it would be kind to go? I would reward if he did but not push it if he really didn’t want to.

can your ds suggest any other boys (or girls) from the school who might like to go that you could suggest to his mum?

bananaboats · 26/08/2023 17:58

Awful for the birthday boy that noone wants to attend his birthday but no I wouldn't try and force DS to go if he didn't want to.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 26/08/2023 18:01

It's heartbreaking, but the big risk here is that your DS gets laughed at and as a result he tells his friends he only went because you gave him something to go. That juicy nugget will inevitably go round the class which will be far more awful for the other kid than it would be for your DS not to go in the first place.

gogomoto · 26/08/2023 18:04

I would suggest to the mum that they go to McDonald's and the cinema instead, less "babyish"

WhisperingHi · 26/08/2023 18:04

I wouldn't bribe him. Sadly it's likely it will all come out at school and your DS will be put in the position where he may then feel he needs to keep face and say he was bribed, that would be even worse for the boy.

I think it's lucky for him that his birthday is in the holidays. I think I would lie and say you have other plans that you can't cancel.

Poor birthday boy :(

I had an extremely immature 'friend' at school. She was a Sept born. It's often not about birth month and more about personality and perhaps upbringing. He needs to find his tribe, there'll be other less mature kids in his year, he probably just hasn't met them yet.

I WOULD be reminding my child about the impact of bullying though and reminding him about treating people kindly and how youd like to be treated yourself. That picking on people and name calling isn't cool - everyone's different.

Weedoormatnomore · 26/08/2023 19:21

Sounds more like a play date than birthday. Feel for the kid left on his own at lunchtime could you ask his mum as only two of them if they could do cinema instead.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/08/2023 19:41

Hm I would explain to your child he is almost a year older, hence the possible disparity in how they perceive things. I would also point out that the child is obviously lonely, and that he and his friends are not treating him nicely. How would he feel if it was done to him?

then i would not force it, I would just be disappointed in his behaviour, and that’s what I would tell him

morellamalessdrama · 26/08/2023 20:50

I would strongly encourage my DS to attend in this position. It's a couple of hours of his day but sounds as though it would mean a huge amount to the birthday boy.

Autieangel · 26/08/2023 21:08

I'd encourage maybe a mild bribe. But I wouldn't force/guilt trip

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 26/08/2023 21:11

He says if he goes his friends will laugh at him as the boy is often alone at school
That’s dreadful. Your ds doesn’t sound particularly nice, tbh, willing to exclude this boy to curry favour with his friends.

waltzwithme · 26/08/2023 21:21

He says if he goes his friends will laugh at him as the boy is often alone at school this is part of the problem. Your son doesn't have nice friends does he? And Lego is not childish. If he doesn't want to go don't make him. But I would be talking to him about being a decent human being and learning to stand up to friends who sound shit making fun of another child.

Original poster
musicvintage · 26/08/2023 21:23

DS said when he was asked by the boy he said he didn't know but he doesn't want to go as he doesn't want his friends to laugh at him etc as they apparently do when DS has to sit next to him in lessons as the boy is “weird”.

OP posts:
Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 26/08/2023 21:29

musicvintage · 26/08/2023 21:23

DS said when he was asked by the boy he said he didn't know but he doesn't want to go as he doesn't want his friends to laugh at him etc as they apparently do when DS has to sit next to him in lessons as the boy is “weird”.

Hmm
morellamalessdrama · 26/08/2023 21:30

musicvintage · 26/08/2023 21:23

DS said when he was asked by the boy he said he didn't know but he doesn't want to go as he doesn't want his friends to laugh at him etc as they apparently do when DS has to sit next to him in lessons as the boy is “weird”.

Your son has a friend issue not a party issue.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 26/08/2023 21:30

The apple hasn’t fallen very far from the tree here, op. Shame on you both.

morellamalessdrama · 26/08/2023 21:30

What would you want to happen if it was your son being called the weirdo.