Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkwardness with neighbour

59 replies

23hol · 26/08/2023 12:38

I know IABU so please don't come at me. Looking for advice more than anything.

DH & I have lived in flats in cities for a decade or so (where nobody had much to do with their neighbours, in my experience). We've now bought our first home, a 3-bed detached, as youngish professionals in our 30s in a leafy suburb where most people around us are at least double our age. I'm sure the neighbours are retired - theres a fence & bush separating our backgardens, and have on occasion heard them have their dinner outside this summer.

Now for the awkward bit - I have never spoken to them. The longer it gets, the more awkward I feel. For context, we moved in beginning of this year so its been about 6 months (but they may think its been longer, the previous owners moved out about 9-10months ago and were close with the neighbours). DH cuts the grass with headphones in but has said hello (he also doesn't get my issue). For months, I genuinely didn't see them. Not hugely surprising as I work awkward hours (night shifts etc) and therefore often sleep most of the day. Its not a good time to stop and chat before/after a 12hr shift so admittedly I walk straight to/from the car (though I dont think I saw them on these quick dashes). I do recall seeing them once however but this was a day I finished work mid-afternoon and drove home in tears, they were in their front garden and I didnt want that to be our first meeting so I genuinely drove past my own house, went to get petrol, wiped the tears and came home by which time they werent there (bad day, work-related). I'm fine in social situations but lack the confidence to go knock and say hi - I genuinely find this hugely awkward.

The issue now is, whilst both of us were at work, I've had a note to say a parcel has been delivered to #26. Looked this up, wanted it to be anyone but them, but its them.

What do I do now? I know the obvious thing would be to go knock on their door but I cant tell you how awkward/anxious this makes me feel (completely unreasonable I know). Any suggestions? DH is currently away, not back till Monday, I could ask him but I want to be able to deal with what is really a minor non-issue. Advice? Please be gentle.

OP posts:
LaraMargot · 26/08/2023 12:41

Surely this a perfect icebreaker

UpaladderwatchingTV · 26/08/2023 12:42

Just go and knock the door, introduce yourself and say you understand that they very kindly took in a parcel for you. They'll get the parcel, and then you just say, I'm so sorry I haven't introduced myself before, but life's hectic, blah, blah. They'll just say that's fine, they understand, whatever, and it will all be over. Go and do it NOW! Then it's done and you can relax for the rest of the weekend.

WoollyRosebud · 26/08/2023 12:42

Just go and knock for your parcel. Laugh and say something like, we meet at last. They sound nice people if they have taken your parcel in and been kind enough to put a note through your door to let you know. You don't need to be besties with them if you don't want to

Freshair1 · 26/08/2023 12:43

Jesus..... You know you're being ridiculous, don't you? Get it over with, you'll be glad to make a connection with your new community.

Springcleaninginsummer · 26/08/2023 12:43

You are totally overthinking this. Slap a smile on, introduce yourself and ask for your parcel. They won't be thinking anything of your previous encounters. Neighbours are ships that pass in the night. Occasionally we interact, but they don't need to become friends unless you hit it off.

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 12:45

I don't understand the problem.

Toobusytowee · 26/08/2023 12:48

Are you feeling guilty for not trying to form a relationship with these people? I don’t think this is anything you need to feel bad about. This is just something that has happened and is not at all malicious on your part. I don’t think your neighbours would be bearing a grudge. Remember, they too have not made an effort to get to know you so you are both the same in that respect.

Are you worried that they will be thinking you are cold and unapproachable? You could amend this by being lovely and friendly when you go and collect the parcel.

I think you have an opportunity here to make the first attempt at developing a friendly neighbourly relationship with them.

Notimelikeyesterday · 26/08/2023 12:49

Yabu. Ask for the parcel and arrange to invite them over for coffee one day.

ilovesooty · 26/08/2023 12:49

Just knock, smile, thank them for taking your parcel, and introduce yourself. Job done.

Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 12:50

Thanks for all the comments. To those saying you don't understand - you obviously haven't suffered with (social) anxiety like this, I am envious. I know it's irrational. I think if this was the first week or month etc I wouldn't feel this way. It feels so so awkward as its been so long, but I know it will only feel more awkward the longer it gets, and thats why I want to deal with it and not delegate to DH when hes back. I guess I'm just asking for advice as to how. I know it may seem so trivial to most.

Oh just to clarify, the note wasnt from them just a standard one from the courier "we missed you, left your [1] parcel at #26"

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 12:55

Can't you just go and knock on their door, though?
Just tell them you've come to collect your parcel.

Winter2020 · 26/08/2023 12:57

It's a great opportunity to informally meet the neighbours.

Just say thanks for taking in the parcel. It's nice to meet you at last. I work night shifts so I'm not often around in the day ....

I also work night shifts and it's nice people know so I don't feel judged if my curtains are drawn in the day or I'm hanging out washing in my PJs during the day.

Go for it! (If you don't they will probably knock at a bad moment!)

Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 12:57

@Toobusytowee I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think its also because I know the last owners had a close relationship, on completion they'd asked if they should leave a spare key with the neighbour and I'd said no - I would rather have the choice to give it myself if I felt I wanted to, only we've not really had any relationship so I havent and don't really intend to.

Thank you for the helpful advice so far - will definitely be friendly and thank them for collecting the parcel, not sure whether to acknowledge that its out first conversation/meet etc, I'd really prefer to keep conversation minimal (purely because of how awkward I feel) but not sure how to do that.

OP posts:
Clefable · 26/08/2023 12:58

We don't really speak to our neighbours other than taking parcels in so I'm not sure why you think it's awkward! Presumably if they wanted to talk or meet you they'd have made the effort to do so, and they haven't.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 26/08/2023 13:00

The best way to deal with your anxiety is confront it face on and show it there is nothing to be anxious about. Once you get it over and done with you’ll feel so much better and it’ll be an anxiety off your mind in the future too because you’ll not be worrying about bumping into them again.

ThreeLittleDots · 26/08/2023 13:02

I just pretend I'm that person; like playing a role in a play or TV show. It'll last only a few mins and then it's done.

Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 13:02

@Clefable Agree, this is what I was used to in my previous life of living in tall buildings in apartments in the city. Always a fast turnover of tenants. There were often facebook groups for the building and people would say if theyd taken in someone elses parcel etc. None of that was awkward.

This feels a lot more intimate and we'll probably be neighbours for a long time. To a poster that said invite them for coffee - no chance my anxiety would allow this. I just want to be on good terms without being "friends". Just a standard friendly neighbourly relationship. Also cant imagine we have much in common - young working couple vs much older retired couple (not an issue at all though).

OP posts:
suckrifice · 26/08/2023 13:05

Just go and get your parcel. The longer you wait the more annoying for them having to store it.

ilovesooty · 26/08/2023 13:05

I get on well with both my neighbours but we've never invited each other in for coffee. It's helpful to be on pleasant terms. It's not "intimate" to go round, thank them for taking your parcel and introduce yourself.

Spanielsarepainless · 26/08/2023 13:05

If you don't collect the parcel, you may have them hammering on the door to give it to you. Just go round, explain about your shifts, say thank you and leave.

ilovesooty · 26/08/2023 13:07

You don't have to have anything in common to establish some kind of cordial discourse.

Clarinet1 · 26/08/2023 13:07

They probably have too many other things going on in their lives to spend time judging you or thinking about you but they are probably perfectly nice people. Just go and say “Hello, I’m 23hol, I gather you kindly took in a parcel for me.” Maybe chat for a moment about how you’re finding the area or say you like something in their hallway or that they’re wearing and thank them for the parcel and the ice will be broken.

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 13:07

You may find that you do have something in common once you've met them, though.
One of them might have had the same job as you.
Anyway, you're not going to find that out while collecting a parcel, which will take you all of twenty seconds.

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 13:08

And OP - they haven't knocked at your door, either.
Maybe they're not interested in you.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/08/2023 13:13

It's a myth you have to be friends with neighbours. Some people do and that's fine, but many people simply say 'hi' for decades. I occasionally deliberately avoid being on the drive at the same time!

I would just smile, say hi nice to meet you, I understand you took in a parcel for me? And see how they respond. If they ask you in you can say 'oh sorry I have to get back as I'm waiting for a phone call from my aunt' and escape.

It'll be fine I'm sure.