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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkwardness with neighbour

59 replies

23hol · 26/08/2023 12:38

I know IABU so please don't come at me. Looking for advice more than anything.

DH & I have lived in flats in cities for a decade or so (where nobody had much to do with their neighbours, in my experience). We've now bought our first home, a 3-bed detached, as youngish professionals in our 30s in a leafy suburb where most people around us are at least double our age. I'm sure the neighbours are retired - theres a fence & bush separating our backgardens, and have on occasion heard them have their dinner outside this summer.

Now for the awkward bit - I have never spoken to them. The longer it gets, the more awkward I feel. For context, we moved in beginning of this year so its been about 6 months (but they may think its been longer, the previous owners moved out about 9-10months ago and were close with the neighbours). DH cuts the grass with headphones in but has said hello (he also doesn't get my issue). For months, I genuinely didn't see them. Not hugely surprising as I work awkward hours (night shifts etc) and therefore often sleep most of the day. Its not a good time to stop and chat before/after a 12hr shift so admittedly I walk straight to/from the car (though I dont think I saw them on these quick dashes). I do recall seeing them once however but this was a day I finished work mid-afternoon and drove home in tears, they were in their front garden and I didnt want that to be our first meeting so I genuinely drove past my own house, went to get petrol, wiped the tears and came home by which time they werent there (bad day, work-related). I'm fine in social situations but lack the confidence to go knock and say hi - I genuinely find this hugely awkward.

The issue now is, whilst both of us were at work, I've had a note to say a parcel has been delivered to #26. Looked this up, wanted it to be anyone but them, but its them.

What do I do now? I know the obvious thing would be to go knock on their door but I cant tell you how awkward/anxious this makes me feel (completely unreasonable I know). Any suggestions? DH is currently away, not back till Monday, I could ask him but I want to be able to deal with what is really a minor non-issue. Advice? Please be gentle.

OP posts:
Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 13:16

All very true, thanks everyone.
23hol from a previous life would have avoided this at all costs - got around it with asking someone else to do it, or probably sacrifice the parcel (yes utterly ridiculous). As I say though I am trying to work on this irrational insecurity/anxiety and just trying to seek advice/encouragement in doing so. Don't even really want to tell people I know. One or two friends do know in general that I haven't yet spoken to the neighbours tho- when they visited our new place for the first time, its a fairly common question - what are the neighbours like? and I've always confessed gosh you know what I havent spoken to them yet but DH & my mum have and they seem nice enough etc. This didnt seem too weird when you've only moved in a few months ago (with shift work and being away for holidays etc). I dread to think a year passes by and I'm still in this boat so I do need to address it.

It may seem like im hyperfocussing on this issue only but I'm trying to limit this thread to this particular issue that hopefully will be resolved today. It is currently absolutely chucking it down which is buying me time (thank goodness). I also only noticed the card this morning but it has no date on it - I imagine its the last day or 2 though.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 26/08/2023 13:18

Go and knock. While there chat about your job etc. If you get on you'll be there ages anyway, I can hardly pick up an item from someone I don't know without sharing life stories and yammimg on. If you don't click you've got your parcel and you can wave when you see them from now on.

Boomboom22 · 26/08/2023 13:19

It's the thought of doing it that causes anxiety, once you are knocking it'll be fine. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 13:33

@Boomboom22 the thought of being there "for ages" makes me feel sick. I wish I wasn't like this.

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 26/08/2023 13:34

I don't know why you're worrying about not introducing yourself to them, cos they haven't been over to say hello and welcome and introduce themselves to you.

Go and get your parcel, say hi and thanks. Job done.

Sn1859 · 26/08/2023 13:35

I’ve lived next to both my neighbours (and the people down this end of the road) for nearly 10 years and I rarely speak to any of them. I don’t feel the need to know about their lives and I bet they feel the same. I’ll say hello but that’s as far as it goes most of the time and it was the same where I lived before that. Some people just like the quiet life, there’s no shame in that. Go and knock for your parcel, say thank you and leave it at that if that’s all you can muster.

HelpMeGetThrough · 26/08/2023 13:40

The issue now is, whilst both of us were at work, I've had a note to say a parcel has been delivered to #26. Looked this up, wanted it to be anyone but them, but its them.

Oh, bad luck!!!

You were doing so well having not talked to them for that long.

I haven't talked to mine now for about 3 months. Going to see if I can get to Christmas.

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 13:41

HelpMeGetThrough · 26/08/2023 13:40

The issue now is, whilst both of us were at work, I've had a note to say a parcel has been delivered to #26. Looked this up, wanted it to be anyone but them, but its them.

Oh, bad luck!!!

You were doing so well having not talked to them for that long.

I haven't talked to mine now for about 3 months. Going to see if I can get to Christmas.

Grin
Bonbon21 · 26/08/2023 13:42

The fact that it is raining makes this the perfect moment tl collect your parcel.. ring the bell...quick hello and intro.. life is busy..crazy hours at work..so kind to take in my parcel.. look at the weather!!.. cake in the oven....hope to chat properly soon.. thank you again...and RUN!!!
The longer you gaze at the mountain the higher it gets..
Go.. now.. this minute...
You will be back home before you know it!!

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 26/08/2023 13:42

Clearly, you can never collect your parcel from them as you will feel ‘awkward’. It’s a shame, but…..

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 13:44

Actually, I've got a new neighbour, and I took her some grapes when she moved in, and went and had a cup of tea with her.
Unfortunately, on my birthday, she annoyed me, and we haven't spoken since.
I doubt if she cares. I certainly don't.

Bleachedblondeswimmer · 26/08/2023 13:50

It’s worse to not collect it and leave it with a neighbour as they then have it sitting there and if never collected usually have to sort it being returned.
I live in a block of flats in a city and we take parcels in for each other . Occasionally it’s left for a bit longer than a few days and it then gets stressful to have someone’s parcel . So I’d go today , say you work shifts as others said, thank them and say happy to take in for them .

Don't leave it till DH is back, they will see you about and it’s more annoying .

but no need for life histories, thank them and just brief intro and shifts so not always around.

btw what work do you do ? Perhaps try to think of it as a professional interaction rather than social .

TherealmrsT · 26/08/2023 13:55

I think you are focussing on difference in age when you probably have more in common than difference (e.g. you live in the same place, and perhaps go on holiday/use public transport). I am 50s and chat to both neighbours in 30s and 70/80s. It's nothing meaningful....how are you/bit wet today etc. I try to say hello to everyone I pass on the street (London zone 2) but dont stop to chat unless they talk to me.
I do drop a card into letterbox of new people on each side just to say hello and give our names.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/08/2023 13:56

23hol · 26/08/2023 13:33

@Boomboom22 the thought of being there "for ages" makes me feel sick. I wish I wasn't like this.

Then prep your escape.

I understand not being very sociable but I don't understand why you are pressuring yourself to want to be sociable.

Loads of people are introverts who don't socialise with randoms. It's fine. So long as you can do the things you want and need to, so long as you're not lonely, this neighbour can be a stranger til the day you die.

Have you read 'Quiet Girl in a Noisy World'?

Talipesmum · 26/08/2023 13:56

OP I do understand, anxiety can be crippling. But please be assured that it’s totally ok to pop round for the first time like this. Rehearse the words in your head - hi, I’m from next door, I think the postman left our parcel with you? Thanks so much, sorry if it was a day or two, I only just saw the card. Big smile. Leave.

if they say anything about nice to meet you, you can say “you too! I work night shifts so I’m hardly ever around. Thanks again”.

Also I might recommend the Adrift podcast with Geoff Lloyd and Annabel Port - there’s a long running theme of social anxiety, people write in with their quandaries, exactly this sort of thing. And while it’s funny, they do take it seriously too - they know anxiety and social awkwardness are real and have it too. It might help you hear other examples and feel not alone, as well as a few practical suggestions.

Mountainpika · 26/08/2023 14:07

Maybe try something I have learned from having hypnotherapy. Visualise. See yourself walking out of your door, going to the neighbours' house, as if you are an onlooker, knocking/ringing the bell. When they open, give them a big smile and say, "I think you have a parcel for me. Thank you so much for taking it in."
Then follow their lead, if they say more, reply, if not, take your parcel, big smile and another thank you and go home.
Repeat the visualisation, a number of times.
This approach worked for me in doing something that I was scared of.
Good luck.

Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 14:24

Thanks everyone, I did it. Funny story though, can post it here but genuinely in a rush right now.

OP posts:
Mountainpika · 26/08/2023 14:28

Well done!!!!!!

spiderlight · 26/08/2023 14:37

Well done! You sound a bit like me. It was months before we talked to our new neighbours and the longer it went the more awkward it felt, but I was totally overthinking it and it was fine in the end. Looking forward to the funny story when you get back!

bladebladebla1 · 26/08/2023 15:00

23hol · 26/08/2023 12:50

Thanks for all the comments. To those saying you don't understand - you obviously haven't suffered with (social) anxiety like this, I am envious. I know it's irrational. I think if this was the first week or month etc I wouldn't feel this way. It feels so so awkward as its been so long, but I know it will only feel more awkward the longer it gets, and thats why I want to deal with it and not delegate to DH when hes back. I guess I'm just asking for advice as to how. I know it may seem so trivial to most.

Oh just to clarify, the note wasnt from them just a standard one from the courier "we missed you, left your [1] parcel at #26"

I understand and I'm not even anxious. I get it, it's because it's been so long you feel and about it but they also havnt tried so you don't need to. Msg r take a bottle or something as a gift?

Talipesmum · 26/08/2023 15:04

Well done OP!

LadyMargaretDevereux · 26/08/2023 16:03

Thank goodness!

jackstini · 26/08/2023 16:16

Well done!
Looking forward to the funny story later...

GuardiansPlayList · 26/08/2023 16:22

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 12:45

I don't understand the problem.

I totally understand the problem.
I know my neighbours but still find it hard to say hello as I am painfully shy. If I know they are out there I will hide until they have gone.
I can do a smile and a nod but find speaking very difficult.

neilyoungismyhero · 26/08/2023 16:28

A neighbour knocked on my door the other day for her parcel. We've been here on and off for 16 years. We don't know each other nor have we spoken or made eye contact. Her husband is nice enough.
I laughed about this and she introduced herself..she is frankly, weird. It wasn't awkward though she took her parcel and still doesn't acknowledge me the status quo has been restored! They're neighbours not friends, don't build it up to be a big deal.