Husband going on holiday without me and 4 month old

[AdrianeMole]

AIBU that I'm feeling a bit upset about this, it's a week, long haul, no family support nearby. It's not like I'll be able to do the same anytime soon, because I'm looking after the baby.

This is an obnoxious post.

My DH travels for work a lot and has always done. However, he would never have taken a holiday when DC was a baby or small child

Settle down dear, you're overreacting.

This. I can manage anything for a week, it will be good to have one parent rested and refreshed, and I’ve certainly gone away myself and left DH solo with young DS.

Yes. It’s every week. In our case for 18 months. I’d have jumped at the opportunity to have him only away for 1/78 weeks.

Why? I’m trying to give the OP some perspective here. A week away is literally nothing if he’s usually around!

When did he book it?!

Did you say no/express reservations at the time?

I wouldn't be happy at all.

A week is hardly abandonment territory..

You can do this @AdrianeMole

my ds dad went abroad when DS was about 4m old. Tbh it was the making of me/ds. We got into a routine without worrying about if his dad would be woken up etc etc)

ex was abusive tho, but if i can do it, you can - it’s just a holiday

I would probably have a grumble at the inconvenience but ultimately wouldn't be too bothered if my husband did this. Baby is young enough that I could totally do things for myself that I enjoy that I probably wouldn't do if husband was around.

I wouldn't feel hard done by that I can't go on the same kind of solo venture (which I couldn't as BFing). Is part of the reason you're feeling cross because you feel it's unfair that he can do things you can't?

I guess I'm a bit sore that we haven't had any holidays together in ages, ivf, pregnancy, covid etc and that I couldn't or wouldn't do the same

Absolutely not. You’re supposed to be a family, together. Why on earth would he want to leave his family for a trip to a third world country with his mates? Is he 16?! 🙄

Wouldn't bother me.

I left DH and 5mth old DS for 4 days to go to Spain for my 40th.

You're still a family if you choose to be independent adults who also exist outside the family home.

DS is now almost 6 and I've been abroad twice without him so not a regular thing but lovely memories all the same. DD is 2 and I've had a few nights away from her in this country.

Exactly.

I had a weekend away when mine was 6 months.

If someone doesn't want to, that's fine but parents are also allowed to have a life outside of parenting.

It isn’t really. Either way he’s not there.

There's a big difference between couldn't and wouldn't.

If you couldn't, for childcare or financial reasons, then a bigger discussion is needed.

The ‘cool wife’ set no doubt will tell you YABU, they raised 4 children, single handed, husband worked away for 6 months at a time, they had no family support, lived on a farm 5 miles from the nearest neighbour and they coped! Meanwhile in the real world I wouldn’t be happy OP, a week is too long. A weekend is one thing, a week is a selfish move and smacks of I can so I will. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

If that's your choice then that's great. However op if this isn't what you want, then I think you need to have an honest conversation with him and say that while you don't want it to be the type of relationship where you are both tied to the house, you need support with the baby and its not reasonable for him to take so much time and money to jet off with his mates. Its not fair to you and he has different responsibilities now and he needs to be there for baby and it means you are taking on the entirety of childcare for a week with no opportunity to be compensated for that with a week to yourself.

If you were happy for him to go then that's great, but if you're not then you need to be honest with him. I was still very emotional and hormonal and exhausted with little sleep at 4 months pp and I would have been running on fumes -had dh decided to jet off I think I would have felt really let down like he didn't see all that I was dealing with. He also wouldn't have wanted to be away from ds at that stage though.

But why shouldn't you?

What is wrong with taking some time away for yourself?

I can see where you're coming from there. My husband sometimes does things for himself that I wouldn't do if roles were reversed. I've been unfair to you. Thinking back to when my first baby was 4.5 months old (also IVF 💛), I wouldn't have been too happy about husband disappearing off for a week either - don't care about the holiday, but that's a lot of housework, cooking and food shopping etc you're having to manage alone, and baby is little enough that you're still probably finding your feet. Not having family support either is tough, I know that well. Of course you'll be able to cope, you'll have to, but I do think it's a bit shit that you'll have to when you don't have to.

"If someone doesn't want to, that's fine but parents are also allowed to have a life outside of parenting."

Yes, but when coparenting both parents need to be on board. One can't just head off without the other being willing to hold fort for however long. That's taking someone for granted. These things need to be a shared decision when you have kids because someone is left holding the baby.

Like I said on my first comment, it depends to me based on how the parent usually is at home such as pulling their weight.

If the parent does indeed pull their weight, I do think it is unfair to be against it if they are also willing to do it in return too. I also think it's unfair to be against it if the reason is simply because they wouldn't want to do it themselves.

Honestly, if my DH had done this, I would have been broken. At 4 months, we were still working out how to get our child to sleep through the night, and who did what to make that happen.

I think it really depends on how you are coping, and how much you feel that his time away is 'worth it'.

If it was me, him having a jolly with his friends while I tried to cope at home would have probably been the death knell to our marriage.

Also, both my kids were through IVF, so there's that as well.