To not believe her

[JBOH2020]

Long story
Bit of background
I often have my close friends daughter, 12 yrs old (will call child A) for the weekend as she does not always like going to her dads, I've always been fine with it. Recently had her for 10 days so her mum could work and so she didn't have to go to her dads.
When she's here she shares a room with my daughter (child b)
Recently child A has been stealing from her mum, vapes, jewellery and even sex toys (mum confirmed she found these in child A's bedroom)
When she stayed at my house her mum asked me to go through her bag, to which I didn't want to but a quick check found x2 vapes x1 pocket pleaser, which mum confirms was hers.
Now here's the bit we're all struggling on. When child A got home, her mum went through her bag and found a bracelet and ring, which are mine that belonged to my mum before she passed away. I was and still am genuinely hurt at the thought child A stole these things.
Whilst child A stayed with us, my child was at the childminders whilst I worked from home, so child A was upstairs a lot of the day unsupervised. On one night I asked my partner if he'd been in my bedside drawers as I found them slightly open thought it was strange and passed it off.
But since child A's mum found MY jewellery in child A's possession. Child A is completely denying it. Her mum is now believing it is not her daughter who's done this.
I've spoken at length with Child B (my child, 9) and she is denying it also, her dad has spoke with her, her auntie and the childminder. And we get the same story. I believe my daughter and refuse to question her any more as I don't want this to affect our relationship.

I've told my friend that child A will not be welcome here any more as I cannot risk it. I need to know the truth. Child A's mum believes it wasn't her daughter and I feel that this is now going to ruin her friendship.

I've now got said items back, and told her I'll drop it now as I have them back, but child A is no longer welcome until I know the truth. Is this too harsh or what would other people do?

It genuinely has ruined my week but I'm glad I have the items back now.

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very hard.
If Child A stole the items, you cannot trust her in your home. If child B (your child) stole the items and planted them on child A, your daughter is trying to tell you she is unhappy with child A being at yours so much, therefore you can no longer have child A at your house. Either way, I think you should reduce/ stop child A staying in your home.

You are 100% right. What I don't like about the situation is child A is seeing other innocent people being accused of what she's done. Her mum needs to get her some help asap.

Nope, she's no longer welcome. Actions have consequences.

Had a similar situation once, but the 12 year old was my half brother (big age gap) and I had to have the argument with my step mother as my dad is crap. To take the piss further, I'd paid to take him to a theme park on the same day I found him trying to steal some valuable electronic items from me.

How the hell is her mum denying it was her when she found the items in her bag AND she is well known for stealing things?!!

Her mum is clearly batshit.

As your child was at the childminders does she think she used some sort of magic to plant them on child A from afar?!

YANBU
In fact, I cannot stress hard enough how not-unreasonable you are being.

At 12 years old she knows better and should be a bloody sight more grateful that you are doing her a favour. Cheeky little madam. Stuck to your guns, she has no respect for you or your home and neither does her mum for being so utterly ridiculous in defending her.

She needs help and it’s not your fault, establish some ground rules and say no more coming round

I don’t think you are being harsh. The reality is that Child A has light-fingered form. The probability that child A took your jewellery is rather higher than your child did it ( assuming your child does not have form).
But her mum needs to delve deeper into why she is taking these items - does she use the vapes or the sex toys or is she trying to get attention. Is she unhappy ? Not for you to fix op, but something for her mum to consider

That's so upsetting, especially as you were helping out both the mum and the girl.
I wouldn't allow her back into my house.
What I don't get is... you had this girl in your house for 10 days because her mother was working, yet you sent your own DD to childminder while you yourself were working.... why couldn't her mother send her to a childminder?
You've been too kind.

Child A still regularly but suddenly this one isn’t her? Your child is supposed to have stole them and planted them on her? Unless your child has a history of this sort of thing then it’s really unfair she’s been asked more than once.
When you found the stuff from friends house in the child’s bag was there any question she didn’t steal those? Your friend is out of order and I wouldn’t have the child back.

Sorry I think your friend needs to grow up and take responsibility. Poor girl.

I wouldn’t be having her back, however i also wouldn’t have sent my child to the childminder and left child A on her own all day bored out of her mind.

Wish her dm good luck finding anyone to have her dd... Step away op.

This arrangement needs to end. Your friend needs to organise proper care for her child. She doesn't sound a great influence for your child to be around so much of the time.

I don’t know why you were looking after someone else’s kid while yours was at a childminder.
Of course child A took the stuff, who else would it have been?

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is the amount of childcare you are providing free of charge for this child while your poor DD has to go to the childminder. What's all that about? Yoi have had the pisss massively taken out of you and you are correct to stop this child coming to your house. Of course she nicked your jewellery and her mother knows it too!!

The child is clearly unhappy being passed around to yours for 10 days so her mum can work and her dad doesn’t want her and your kid goes to a child minder so at 12 she’s on her own?!
Your friend knows her child stole your stuff and is denying it purely to not lose your baby sitting services. She’s panicking

Thanks all, I know I'm too kind but I'm not being taken for a mug any more. Child A is no longer grounded as she's convinced her mum she's innocent.
Thankfully they live far enough away that I won't need to worry about seeing them for a while.
Like I say, I can't question my own daughter any more because I refuse to ruin our relationship over someone else's awful behaviour.
As for the why can't she put her daughter in a childminder- your guess is as good as mine.
She will have to learn the hard way now. If it had been a bottle of vodka or whatever that had been stolen, yeah I'd be a bit peed off but I'd sure as hell get over it a lot quicker. I just feel hurt really and needed to vent elsewhere.
I get you don't want to think the worst of your own children but when the evidence is pretty much in your face, how can you actually believe she's innocent?!

My children go to the childminders full time (when not in school) and they're happier there and I'm happier they are there when I'm working from home. At least they can have fun there than be bored at home

Child A's mum wants the free childcare to continue therefore will not admit that her DD did it.

The mum is having a laugh, isn’t she? Expects you to have her child for ten days despite you organising childcare for your own! Then claiming her daughter doesn’t steal when she’s already told you she does.

Sounds like she’s just lost out on a load of free childcare by being so gullible!

This.

Genuinely gobsmacked that you would send your own child to be looked after while having another child innyour home.

Gobsmacked.

Then repeatedly quizzing your own child when this child has form and the items were in her bag?

Gobsmacked.

The 12 year old has definitely stuff going on and needs support.
She needs a mother who is not in denial.

But your poor little child needs a mother to also do better.

Give your head a wobble and get your priorities straight.

I hope for YOUR own sake you have been very very delicate in the questioning of your child because this is the type of bullshit that she will NEVER forget.

Forget about this child whom should not be visiting your home anytime soon and focus on your own child who may be very confused and wondering where the heck her mother's priorities are......

There is no way I'd have her in my house again. And if you lose the friendship all the better.

Gosh that's awful. It's pretty clear child A has done the stealing. And I'm surprised this mum doesn't have further issue with it. She clearly knows its a problem as she asked you to check her bag while at your house. Unbelievable.
You are definitely well within your right to say child A can't be at your house anymore and frankly I think you'd benefit from the space and Child A might realise lying has got her no where. Glad you got the items back

Sadly the child has previous of lying and taking things that aren’t hers. I’m glad you got your things back but I wouldn’t welcome her back either.
You were a huge help to this friend and it kinda feels like she’s thrown it back in your face. It’s nice you’ve decided to drop it but I wouldn’t be helping the friend out anymore. It feels like you were doing a lot!

Child A sadly cannot be trusted, therefore YABU if you are willing to have her back in your home, if she admits to what she has done. Does it really matter if she went in the drawers or not. She has already stolen from you. She clearly has something going on, and it's impacting her behaviour - causing her to lie and steal. She should be spending more time with her own parents, working through her issues and less time being farmed out to you. It's not fair on your daughter to have a thief in the house, what if something else goes missing and child A denies it, suspicion then falls on your DD. Seriously, she isn't your problem - step back and let her parents deal with her issues.