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Original poster

To not believe her

51 replies

JBOH2020 · 25/08/2023 18:08

Long story
Bit of background
I often have my close friends daughter, 12 yrs old (will call child A) for the weekend as she does not always like going to her dads, I've always been fine with it. Recently had her for 10 days so her mum could work and so she didn't have to go to her dads.
When she's here she shares a room with my daughter (child b)
Recently child A has been stealing from her mum, vapes, jewellery and even sex toys (mum confirmed she found these in child A's bedroom)
When she stayed at my house her mum asked me to go through her bag, to which I didn't want to but a quick check found x2 vapes x1 pocket pleaser, which mum confirms was hers.
Now here's the bit we're all struggling on. When child A got home, her mum went through her bag and found a bracelet and ring, which are mine that belonged to my mum before she passed away. I was and still am genuinely hurt at the thought child A stole these things.
Whilst child A stayed with us, my child was at the childminders whilst I worked from home, so child A was upstairs a lot of the day unsupervised. On one night I asked my partner if he'd been in my bedside drawers as I found them slightly open thought it was strange and passed it off.
But since child A's mum found MY jewellery in child A's possession. Child A is completely denying it. Her mum is now believing it is not her daughter who's done this.
I've spoken at length with Child B (my child, 9) and she is denying it also, her dad has spoke with her, her auntie and the childminder. And we get the same story. I believe my daughter and refuse to question her any more as I don't want this to affect our relationship.

I've told my friend that child A will not be welcome here any more as I cannot risk it. I need to know the truth. Child A's mum believes it wasn't her daughter and I feel that this is now going to ruin her friendship.

I've now got said items back, and told her I'll drop it now as I have them back, but child A is no longer welcome until I know the truth. Is this too harsh or what would other people do?

It genuinely has ruined my week but I'm glad I have the items back now.

OP posts:
Original poster
JBOH2020 · 25/08/2023 18:50

Thanks billy1966 and I fully take on board your concerns.
As I've said, my children (9&2) prefer to be at the childminders when I'm working from home, my 9 year old has the choice.
As for potentially ruining my relationship with my daughter, I'm fairly confident we are ok! It's been discussed and we've drawn a line under it she knows I believe her. She knows child A is also no longer coming round from now on.
My daughter to my knowledge has never stolen, it's her 2 year old brother who has form for putting the childminders toys in his pockets at home time!

As for the friendship with my friend, that's in her hands, if she wants to believe her daughter didn't do it- that's fine. But they are no longer welcome. I can only have people I trust in my home.

And this has opened my eyes to actually how much I've been mugged off- the last time all 3 of her children stayed at mine, they gave me covid and she sent them knowing one was coming down with it. Thankfully they got picked up very early the next day.

I've learnt a lesson in this and I'll no longer be walked all over. I just want an apology from child A.

OP posts:
pimplebum · 25/08/2023 19:08

A 12 year is taking her mums sex toy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is not normal !!!!
This needs reporting as it's a safeguarding issue

Why is no one concerned about this bit of the story ?????

JudgeRudy · 25/08/2023 19:58

Gosh, there's a lot going on here. I'd say on the balance of probability A has stolen the items (and maybe other stuff you're not yet aware of). If she hasn't another option is that your daughter planted them on her. I'd say that's unlikely but it could be you own child's way of saying she's had enough.
It's interesting you say you have her because she won't go to her dad's. Not the odd occasion, but days on end. You have her because her mum is working and has not sorted childcare...or she has, and it's you! So whilst mum can't have her because she's working, you can, but not your own child it seems, as she's with the childminder. How does your daughter feel about this?
She's a young child and whilst she probably knows stealing is wrong the things she's taken are very personal. Is this a cry for help. Why has she stolen a sex toy and why is she refusing to spend time with ger dad?

gabagrowl · 25/08/2023 20:00

I think you're absolutely right. I wouldn't have A in the house again for now.

Original poster
JBOH2020 · 25/08/2023 20:24

JudgeRudy · 25/08/2023 19:58

Gosh, there's a lot going on here. I'd say on the balance of probability A has stolen the items (and maybe other stuff you're not yet aware of). If she hasn't another option is that your daughter planted them on her. I'd say that's unlikely but it could be you own child's way of saying she's had enough.
It's interesting you say you have her because she won't go to her dad's. Not the odd occasion, but days on end. You have her because her mum is working and has not sorted childcare...or she has, and it's you! So whilst mum can't have her because she's working, you can, but not your own child it seems, as she's with the childminder. How does your daughter feel about this?
She's a young child and whilst she probably knows stealing is wrong the things she's taken are very personal. Is this a cry for help. Why has she stolen a sex toy and why is she refusing to spend time with ger dad?

I have actually contacted NSPCC via email for other things that aren't on this thread.
There's silly things missing like my daughters deodorant but that could be goodness knows where for all I know.
I'm just glad her mum checked her bag when home otherwise I may not have noticed these bits missing until further down the line.
In terms of her dad, it's actually her step dad he took her on as his own when she was 2. But she's always said she's treated differently to her siblings when there, and doesn't feel that she belongs.
But that's not my problem any more.

OP posts:
Prescottdanni123 · 25/08/2023 20:36

It is highly likely that child A had stolen the jewellery, but other people have raised asked a good question. Is your daughter getting fed up/upset? To the point where she might have planted them on Child A? Especially if she already knows that child A has stolen in the past. She goes to the childminder while another child stays with you all day. I know that you say that child A has been left to her won devices each day, but your DD may not know that. She may envision child A having fun all day with you when she is at childminders.

boomoohoo · 25/08/2023 20:44

Im quite worried and sad for child A - stealing her mums vibrator is incredibly worrying and inappropriate, and the vapes etc. You did a kind thing caring for her but it must have been miserable for her being stuck at your house while you worked for 10 days. And issues with dad too, this girl is crying our for help and sounds like her and her mum need proper professional support

Spirallingdownwards · 25/08/2023 20:48

Child A aged 12 vapes and uses sex toys were the first things that would mean she wouldn't be coming to mine to be around my 9 year old and 2 year old let alone the fact that to repay your kindness she stole from you.

Original poster
JBOH2020 · 25/08/2023 20:53

boomoohoo · 25/08/2023 20:44

Im quite worried and sad for child A - stealing her mums vibrator is incredibly worrying and inappropriate, and the vapes etc. You did a kind thing caring for her but it must have been miserable for her being stuck at your house while you worked for 10 days. And issues with dad too, this girl is crying our for help and sounds like her and her mum need proper professional support

I completely get where you're all coming from. There were only 2 days where I was at home working. My own daughter has always had the choice of whether she stays or goes to the childminders, home is boring on work days. Child A also knew coming to our house that there would be some days when we were working and she was still happy to come stay. She's never stayed this long before usually it's 5 days max in holidays.

She does need help, she self harms too. Her mum is fully aware as well but as awful as it sounds she doesn't do anything about it. For the jewellery episode she banned her from her phone and grounded her. She got her phone back the next day and as her mum doesn't know who or what to believe, she's now ungrounded. At her home she has no boundaries.

At the end of the day I've realised from a lot of the responses I need to step back now, I'm not here to be used as childcare when she doesn't want to go to her dads. I'm not here to be taken a mug of and think she can steal and get away with it.

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 25/08/2023 20:54

I think you need to drop the notion that you should get an apology. Child A isn’t going to back down now and be known as a thief AND a liar. You’ve taken the right steps, she sounds very troubled, so pushing the need for an apology is meaningless in comparison to everything else going on.

Pebblesflintstoneandbambamrubble · 25/08/2023 20:59

I had the same thing happen but with a work colleague

She did the whole 'but I need help with the kids' and me,being a gullible,had-been-a-single-mum-myself-and-knew-how-hard-it-was agreed to do it (they are aged 10 and 6)

As mum came to pick them up,she went straight through their bag and pulled out loads of stuff they'd pocketed

A few hours later,I noticed some other bits had gone,so messaged her to ask if her two had them

I got them back in the end,but mums attitude was the same as your friends-her poppets couldn't have taken any of my stuff-it must have been my own grown up children,planting this stuff on her kids-even though the stuff was found in her kids coat pockets and she started going through their bags before saying hello to them

She demanded I have the kids a few weeks later-I told her 'not a chance-not this side of doomsday anyway' and I was slagged off all over work

Never again

Louise303 · 25/08/2023 20:59

I cannot believe your friend believes her when your child was not even at home that's terrible. You are right for to stop her coming she brought a sex toy and vapes to your house she could have shown them to your little girl.

FloweryName · 25/08/2023 21:02

You would be crazy to agree to look after this child again.

LimeCheesecake · 25/08/2023 21:07

Even if you got an apology, this child shouldn’t be in your house again. If that ends your friendship, so be it.

sodthesodoff · 25/08/2023 21:10

This girl has serious issues. And I worry about her

But she needs her mother to step up and sort this. Now.

But your priority is to your family. Not a chance I would have this girl anywhere near my family or home.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 25/08/2023 21:17

pimplebum · 25/08/2023 19:08

A 12 year is taking her mums sex toy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is not normal !!!!
This needs reporting as it's a safeguarding issue

Why is no one concerned about this bit of the story ?????

That's the bit that jumped out at me.
Like being 12 and trying a cigarette or having a few sips of alcohol when no one is looking is one thing.
But sex toys I'm sorry that screams abuse.

Twilight7777 · 25/08/2023 21:25

Stealing sex toys from her mum speaks volumes imo, suggests she’s been/being sexually abused. I’d be contacting social services about that alone, but yanbu to refuse to have the child to look after, following stealing priceless items of yours.

CaroleSinger · 25/08/2023 21:52

Whyarewewaiting · 25/08/2023 18:13

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds very hard.
If Child A stole the items, you cannot trust her in your home. If child B (your child) stole the items and planted them on child A, your daughter is trying to tell you she is unhappy with child A being at yours so much, therefore you can no longer have child A at your house. Either way, I think you should reduce/ stop child A staying in your home.

This is a crucial point. If it did turn out your own DD planted the items, it would still show that your DD was not happy at having the other child in the house. It's a very difficult one for sure but if you are saying your child wasn't there at the time and you are absolutely sure she wouldn't have planted the items then you still have a Child A problem anyway. Kind of damned if you do and damn if you don't.

N4ish · 25/08/2023 21:58

Sounds like child A needs an awful lot of help with various issues but that’s not your responsibility. Forget about getting an apology, just draw a line under the whole thing and have no more contact with the mother or daughter.

Adelaff · 25/08/2023 22:17

You aren't being harsh at all.

PixieLaLar · 25/08/2023 23:04

Her Mum is doing her no favours here going along with her lies.

You are 100% doing the right thing OP

momonpurpose · 25/08/2023 23:27

PixieLaLar · 25/08/2023 23:04

Her Mum is doing her no favours here going along with her lies.

You are 100% doing the right thing OP

Your friend is making a terrible rod for her own back. Imagine a few years down the road...

Jk987 · 25/08/2023 23:36

I'm more shocked at a 12 year old stealing sex toys! That can't be right? And her mum not keeping them out of reach?

It doesn't seem right that her mum allows her to stay at yours for 12 whole days! She's obviously got a messed up relationship with her Dad but to have her child stay elsewhere for that long seems a bit sad.

familyday · 26/08/2023 09:06

I agree pimplebum there's no way a 12 year old who uses sex toys and vapes would be sharing a room with my 9 year old. If she thought bringing a vibrator was appropriate to share a room, this is the bit of the story that needs attention.

Testina · 26/08/2023 09:16

A’s mother is a shitshow. Seriously poor parenting.
I wouldn’t overly judge a mother whose sex toy was stolen once, if a previous non-curious child had started to rifle through a drawer unexpectedly. It happens.
But the first time?
You get yourself a high/good storage place, and/or lock.
It is completely inappropriate to allow a child to continue to have access to a parent’s sex toys. Knowingly exposing them is like leaving pornography lying around.
I’m no prude, and I’m open enough with my teenagers about sex. But it’s wrong to knowingly have sex related items freely accessible for a 12yo to view.

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