Page 2 | New baby visitors

Geordiebabe85 · 28/08/2023 22:03

Tell everyone how you feel. Those that mind don't matter. Those that matter won't mind.

sarah419 · 29/08/2023 06:39

A lot of your judgement might be clouded by hormones at the moment - which is normal. You seem to be fixating on the negatives. Try to think about how their presence may help you! Maybe you are able to handover baby while you and hubby get some much needed rest/nap? Of course, this excludes the smokers or anyone deemed too much of a risk around a newborn (cold sores carriers etc). My experience with my first baby was very similar. I just wanted to be alone with baby - I had PND for a year. My second, I decided to use a different approach and I had people round 24/7 for the first couple of weeks. Even the nights! Close family and friends rotated the nights, so hubby and i got to sleep! They would bring baby in for feeds and take baby back - it truly made a HUGE difference to our mental well being at the time. Of course also food came pouring in, people were helping with housework etc. I suffered no PND with my second baby and I truly believe a lot of it is related to rest and ability to step away for a time knowing baby was in safe and good care. You would know your family better so think about how they can help rather than be a source of stress. Also, one final note to say while you are becoming a mother, they too are becoming grandparents, uncles and aunts. It is an exciting time for everyone and in many cultures bar Western “individualism”, these family unit members all have important roles to play towards the child. Honestly, make the most of it! All the best!

PinkPink1 · 29/08/2023 06:48

My parents visited me in hospital post partum but that's because I'm close to them and I wasn't well. In laws came when baby was nearly a week old and I was home. MIL wasn't happy about waiting that long but I was tempted to make her wait another week for that. My dd didn't meet great grandparents and friends until she was at least a month old. She's 2 months old now and hasn't met many people. I do think that you should let your parents meet your baby considering your in laws met her when she was fresh out the womb. That's unless you don't get on with your parents.

Thattwinthing · 29/08/2023 10:06

Absolutely understandable. I was very poorly after my birth and didn’t want visitors too often. I was fine with my mum and dad because they actually helped but other that then I found it too much when I felt so poorly. People turning up at my door used to make me fume and be on the verge of tears because I hated it. Just explain you’re not feeling too good and hope they understand and are respectful.

thecatsthecats · 29/08/2023 10:18

YANBU.

Funnily enough I was at an antenatal class last night, and we had a section on women's issues and experiences after birth that they kicked the men out for.

It was absolutely right that the women got that time alone, but at the same time I thought that the men could do with it talking through also.

Nobody would expect to be on top of someone who'd been through so much medically for any other reason. And let's be honest, there's a certain type of guest who is in it because they want to cuddle the baby - but who don't care that their cold sore or smoking etc might hurt the baby.

Personally I feel that people who see me as a disposable incubator whose comfort doesn't matter, or that the baby is a toy that they want a turn with but don't actually prioritise it's needs, can fuck off to the back of the queue.

My mum, for all her many faults, is wonderful for this. She's taken my nephews off people when she can see that they and/or my sister want him back. She knows that the baby doesn't give a damn about her, and that that bond will come in time.

Hagridisthehero · 29/08/2023 11:06

You do what you need to do in your own time. Do not compromise your mental health by feeling obliged to let your parents see their grandchild when you are absolutely not ready to.
too many times we are conditioned to please and appease others and push our own mental capacity to the brink for the sake of others. Those family members should know how to support you being that your their daughter.
Not being unreasonable at all.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 29/08/2023 11:08

Smokers need kept at bay imo.

Cocolebombom · 29/08/2023 11:10

Sausagerolledgirl · 25/08/2023 10:36

Ive just had a baby and after a traumatic birth I haven’t wanted an influx of visitors.
Baby has met my in laws who came by for an hour on day 2 but I haven’t invited or ‘allowed’ anyone else to come yet.
My family are being weird about it, asking who has met her and when can they come. We’ve had to lie to some to avoid drama and it’s becoming overwhelming for me.
My parents are too much for me right now so I’m not ready to see them, whereas in laws are a godsend and came to bring the pram that they’d been storing.
Many relatives are heavy smokers and will not be respectful around baby so I don’t want them here. In all honesty I want to be left alone for a couple of weeks, although I know it’s not a popular view as many feel a baby should be passed around immediately after birth.
We’ve even had people we barely know turn up at the door with gifts, although DH hasn’t allowed them in.
So my AIBU is, surely I’m entitled to invite who I want and when I’m ready without grown adults sulking and making me feel guilty?

People who have smoked shouldn't even hold baby. Very risky and can make baby sick. If that's the case with your family I'd be tempted to wait 3 months or more if I thought they wouldn't respect that. My fil is the type to rush in covered in tobacco, not wash his hands, and touch baby. He's an arsehole.

user1492757084 · 29/08/2023 11:17

Take your time. Only do what you feel comfortable with.
Good to not allow smoking and also make sure all visitors are up to date with their own vaccinations for childhood diseases like Whooping Cough. Their Drs will inform them if they are due.
Many parents like to wait until their beby has had the first shots before having them in crowds and handled by lots of children..

When you are up for visitors to meet the new one, let relatives know which day of the week best suits and ask to be phoned before hand. Some days can be pyjamas days.

Gumptionesque · 29/08/2023 11:35

Yanbu. Don’t second guess yourself, do exactly as you feel is right for you and baby over the next month at least. You are healing and bonding and need to do things at your own pace. Allow only those who will make your life easier to visit in the short term.

My in-laws arrived at 11 days for the weekend and expected to be treated as guests and hosted and catered for, and taken out and about on trips. It added so much unnecessary stress for me. Please don’t be pushed into doing what you’re not ready for by anyone.

phoenixrosehere · 29/08/2023 12:13

YANBU

I think too many family members are too concentrated on seeing and holding the new baby that they completely forget about what the mum and baby have and are going through regardless of birth experience. The baby doesn’t care or know who held them first or when and making demands and guilting the mum because one feel entitles to both’s time because they’re family is not on. Babies have gone from one environment to another and the mums have carried them in their bodies and have birthed them which comes with a range of physical, mental, emotional changes. Both are getting used to a new normal and having to do that with family who care more who has seen the baby and whatnot and wanting to see baby when they want and interrogating a new mother is unhelpful.

Many mums remember these behaviours and it can and does put an absolute damper on what should be a time of healing and adjustment and causes resentment. Fairness goes out the window when it comes to people who exhibit such behaviours and they shouldn’t be enabled simply because they’re family.

Cowlover89 · 29/08/2023 12:17

YANBU X

Taketurn · 29/08/2023 12:19

YADNBU. Just ignore them all and take your time. I had people turn up to my house the very day I came home from the hospital. I was so tired after being in labour for 2 days. I barely closed my eyes but of course I had to "entertain" guests. I wish I would have said no!

CrispyPancakeeater · 29/08/2023 14:37

Honestly... your baby- your rules. You are vulnerable whilst adjusting to your new life. People will always put their own wants first.

I've been there with the grandparent wars...and had PND for the first year of my child's life as a result.

People soon forget what it's like to have a new baby!

thecatsthecats · 29/08/2023 14:51

Also, one final note to say while you are becoming a mother, they too are becoming grandparents, uncles and aunts. It is an exciting time for everyone and in many cultures bar Western “individualism”, these family unit members all have important roles to play towards the child.

Well, the flip side to Western individualism is that visitors can be unhelpful, entitled and frankly dangerous - especially when it's Uncle Sid who thinks that mum is making a fuss not wanting second hand smoke near her newborn, or the Gran who sits there drinking cup after cup of tea and not lifting a finger to help.

Besides, looking after the mental health of the mum and dad is one of the most important ways that you can show love to the baby. Because the baby doesn't give a shit about Aunt Doris wanting to play an important role in their family unit. The baby most of all needs unfrazzled and comfortable parents.

(Let's not get into the fact that there are pros and cons to every cultural trend, and the non-Western cultures are not some utopia of familial harmony...)

R4ID · 29/08/2023 14:55

Sausagerolledgirl · 25/08/2023 10:36

Ive just had a baby and after a traumatic birth I haven’t wanted an influx of visitors.
Baby has met my in laws who came by for an hour on day 2 but I haven’t invited or ‘allowed’ anyone else to come yet.
My family are being weird about it, asking who has met her and when can they come. We’ve had to lie to some to avoid drama and it’s becoming overwhelming for me.
My parents are too much for me right now so I’m not ready to see them, whereas in laws are a godsend and came to bring the pram that they’d been storing.
Many relatives are heavy smokers and will not be respectful around baby so I don’t want them here. In all honesty I want to be left alone for a couple of weeks, although I know it’s not a popular view as many feel a baby should be passed around immediately after birth.
We’ve even had people we barely know turn up at the door with gifts, although DH hasn’t allowed them in.
So my AIBU is, surely I’m entitled to invite who I want and when I’m ready without grown adults sulking and making me feel guilty?

If anyone questions your decision say exactly this

surely I’m entitled to invite who I want and when I’m ready without grown adults sulking and making me feel guilty?

Sennelier1 · 29/08/2023 20:41

With my twó children my inlaws visited every day or so for the first 3 or 4 weeks after birth, bringing with them a miriad of vague relatives who claimed to have a right to see the baby. MIL instructed me to receive well (cake and coffee and maybe a glass of portwine) since the relatives had a long drive. I still feel like crying when I think about it.

PinkPink1 · 29/08/2023 21:35

Sennelier1 · 29/08/2023 20:41

With my twó children my inlaws visited every day or so for the first 3 or 4 weeks after birth, bringing with them a miriad of vague relatives who claimed to have a right to see the baby. MIL instructed me to receive well (cake and coffee and maybe a glass of portwine) since the relatives had a long drive. I still feel like crying when I think about it.

That's awful. Did your family visit at all? Really bad that your husband kept answering the door to them. I'm glad my hospital restricted visitors to 2 people for an hour a day and 1 birth partner who could stay most of the day. Mil was upset when we told her this. I was really unwell so I'm glad only my parents visited. They obviously wanted to see their granddaughter but they were really concerned about me, their daughter. I shudder at the thought of in laws coming onto the ward whilst I was in lots of pain, my bed sheets and nightie were covered in blood and I was as white as a ghost.

NowAAT · 30/08/2023 09:05

Some people just don't understand how traumatic and overwhelming it is having a bunch of visitors so soon after what is probably the most exhausting/ traumatic experience of your life. I promised myself for my 2nd, I'm not telling a soul i gave birth until after I feel ready.

thecatsthecats · 30/08/2023 10:19

I don't want to see people in hospital unless I'm in there for a good few days. If it's likely because I need a lot of medical treatment, and I don't want anyone visiting during that.

Luckily my husband got the message from antenatal that the best outcomes for the baby are if we, and more especially me are calm and happy.

Parents each invited for a visit a week, a single visit for one set of siblings each, plus a visit from the one set of grandparents remaining. That's it for the first couple of weeks, anyone else will get a "we're just settling in here at the moment, can you do X date?"

UsingChangeofName · 30/08/2023 13:56

NowAAT · 30/08/2023 09:05

Some people just don't understand how traumatic and overwhelming it is having a bunch of visitors so soon after what is probably the most exhausting/ traumatic experience of your life. I promised myself for my 2nd, I'm not telling a soul i gave birth until after I feel ready.

and others seem unable to understand that we are all different people.

I had quite a difficult time with my first, and was in hospital for almost a week. I would have been gutted if people hadn't visited.
Same with my younger ones when I was home sooner - I would have been really upset if people hadn't come to meet the new arrival, and see me after they were born.

thecatsthecats · 30/08/2023 14:16

UsingChangeofName · 30/08/2023 13:56

and others seem unable to understand that we are all different people.

I had quite a difficult time with my first, and was in hospital for almost a week. I would have been gutted if people hadn't visited.
Same with my younger ones when I was home sooner - I would have been really upset if people hadn't come to meet the new arrival, and see me after they were born.

Show quote history

But people aren't saying that you can't or shouldn't have visitors. Only that you don't have to, and that visitors should be respectful of whatever your wishes are.

UsingChangeofName · 30/08/2023 14:34

I was directly replying to NowAAT, who said Some people just don't understand how traumatic and overwhelming it is having a bunch of visitors so soon after what is probably the most exhausting/ traumatic experience of your life., as if that was everyone 's response. Just clarifying that some people appreciate the love and support of people close to them after a difficult birth.

phoenixrosehere · 30/08/2023 15:45

UsingChangeofName · 30/08/2023 14:34

I was directly replying to NowAAT, who said Some people just don't understand how traumatic and overwhelming it is having a bunch of visitors so soon after what is probably the most exhausting/ traumatic experience of your life., as if that was everyone 's response. Just clarifying that some people appreciate the love and support of people close to them after a difficult birth.

I read it as that is their feelings and experience and not much different from OP who is also struggling with having visitors after a traumatic birth.

No one has said that after a traumatic birth that mothers automatically don’t want visitors. People who have had calm births also can not want visitors.

Many agree that OP should be able to say no and have visitors when she is ready nor should family be guilting her over it.

Fireangels · 30/08/2023 21:59

I had a C-section and spent 6 days in hospital. On the day I came home, still in pain and struggling to BF, my DH invited a work colleague and his wife who I’d never met over to see the baby. I’ve never forgotten it, and the baby turned 28 last week.
It’s perfectly fine for you to take some time to settle in with your DP and baby. Visitors can wait until you’re ready.