Can hiding away from the world really make you happy?

[JMSA]

You lot are amazingly insightful, hence this post on here. I suspect it may appear a little jumbled, but I'm thinking aloud so to speak.
I spend all my time at work, with my kids or alone. This is through choice. I'm an introvert - despite getting along with people very well in general - and a homebody. I'm happy pottering about at home. However this is heavily interspersed with doing the wrong things. I'm not a smoker or drinker, but eat too much. And watch too much television. Reading and music feature a lot. I spend too much time on my phone. My sleep schedule isn't the best.
All along, I've considered myself happy with this. But what if I'm not. What if life would be better and more fulfilling if I took up more pastimes? Try it, you'd probably say. But the truth is, I'm 49 and too lazy. I feel flat a lot of the time.
I have a colleague who I get along with fantastically well. She has a partner who really encourages her to be her best self, and who exposes her to new experiences and interests. He is also more sociable than her, and she has met new people through him. She's really happy, despite being an introvert.
Maybe this is what I need, since I lack the self-discipline to do it on my own. I do feel I'd benefit from someone who'd open me up to new experiences.
Life is all about balance, and I have swung too far one way. I can't help but shake the feeling that I need to put myself out there more, but I really do lack the motivation. I AM contented at home but my world has become so small. I'm also overweight (with an unhealthy relationship with food) and have given up on online dating.
I'm sure I could be happier. I'm probably not as happy as I think/say I am. But as I say, I don't try to change things. My mentality is 'I work hard, so I deserve to relax at home'. But what if I'm just hiding away from the world, and there's better out there ...
Hopefully this post doesn't sound too wanky, like some kind of menopausal mid-life crisis! But maybe there's someone out there who can relate
I should add that I'm going to a concert with my colleague next week, and had a week's holiday with a friend during the summer. So I'm not always a total hermit ... just most of the time!

👋your life mirrors mine 🙂 in the last week I have left the house once to buy food and once to go out for dinner. I have no answers but have wondered the same thing.

@Userer

Hello and pleased to meet you! Thanks for your reply.
Do you work from home then? I'm out every day for work, and am thankful for that. I look to work to lend my life a sense of discipline, purpose and routine. I am not great at implementing this on my own.
I see your situation as being a bit more extreme than mine (sorry - hope you don't mind me saying!), but maybe I'm kidding myself and I'd be exactly the same without work.

I love hiding from the world! I've thought about change of location and lifestyle, but I've got kids still at home so not the right time. I dream of a small house up in the mountains, small community of nature-loving peaceful people, fresh air and away from busy life/the mass population. I'm decades away from retirement though😂

That's great! And that sounds like an amazing life!
I guess it just doesn't sit as comfortably with me. But I still can't figure out if I'm feeling bad over nothing.

Well hello fellow introverts, I work throughout the week and have children, I really enjoy being alone, I love winter because I can shut the world out as early as 4 pm when it gets dark..! I enjoy my own company, I'm happy pottering but I do also wonder what if.... is it that I'm just not brave enough?all the things I'm missing.. I'm early 50's, I hope I'm destined for a tiny wooden cabin, miles from everyone and everything, enjoying the beauty of nature..

I wouldn't try to force yourself into getting involved in more social events just because you feel it's 'expected' or due to FOMO (fear of missing out).

maybe just try the odd social event on an occasional basis and see if it's something you like, with the option of stopping if you find it isn't not something you enjoy on a regular basis

I could’ve written your post! I too am either at work, with my children or alone.

In my head I aspire to have lots of hobbies, maybe learn a new skill or do a post grad. In reality I lack the intrinsic motivation to put ideas into action. I’m envious of people who make the most out of life.

I could have written this post. I keep feeling that I should be doing more to be sociable. I don't make much of an effort to mix with people, I believe I have an avoidant personality. I also eat too much and struggle to find motivation/willpower to do anything about it. I always say I will change my ways but never do. Feel like I'm missing out on experiences. I feel safer and more relaxed by myself.

You feel flat because your life is very flat. You have reduced your world. I go through periods the same but I feel so much better when I do stuff. It motivates me to make other improvements- fitness and self care etc. Nothing wrong in being an introvert- but moderation is key in everything. Your life is too geared towards the introversion. Do one thing new, then another.

I too could have written your post, though I struggle with a bit with being introvert as I’m deaf. I hate the way I see people look like I have two heads or somehow slow because of my speech. I need to lose weight and feel and know I look unattractive because of it but something in me says screw it “you’re (me) never going to be a person anyone wants to know so eat”. I am introvert but also feel very cut off from people, don’t have friends. Not writing this as a pity me post, just as I got to my fifties and know now that despite trying to be accepted, eg be one of the school mums at the time etc, it’s just never going to happen. Ahh, it’s all very complicated… but I really did identify with your post.

I've been feeling recently that I want to hide away most of the time. Like you, I don't think it's an entirely healthy impulse.

There are ways to engage with the world without having to be massively sociable or give up your peace. I would think in terms of engaging with the natural world. Do you garden? Could you expand that a bit - grow more produce and aim to share it with neighbours in a low-key 'fancy some courgettes, I've got too many' kind of way? It might also help your relationship with food to enjoy eating stuff you've grown. If that's enjoyable, what about an allotment? People tend to be gently friendly but leave you alone at allotments as you all get on with jobs.

Hi. Thanks for your post. I too like to hide in my comfort zone and don't feel motivated to mix. It's usually more in autumn/ winter but this spring summer I've hibernated a bit too.

If you do feel like getting out there, I think there are lots of hobbies that are good for introverts if you can get motivated enough to try them. Going to a class of some kind might be a start- an art or craft activity so you can avoid the annoying small talk by focussing on your art/ work.

I like walking with a podcast on my headphones and have lost quite a bit of weight doing this, without any pressure. It sounds odd but it can feel like you've had a bit of adult interaction by listening/ laughing along and definitely makes the walking go quicker.

Hope you work out what's missing, if anything. It sounds like you're mostly happy with your solo free time, but the fact you're wondering about pushing yourself and branching out might be the start of a bit of motivation.

Good luck!

You are not alone. I’m living a similar life but i don’t work and I am 53. My husband has just retired and wants to see the world. We do go on trips but it’s getting harder and harder to leave home. I can’t work out if I’m really happy and at peace or if I’m just missing out on life but every activity (even the hairdressers or lunch with a friend) causes me such anxiety and I’m always so glad to be back home.

The less I do the harder it is to cope with simple tasks and the house is a mess. On the odd occasion when I am busy I love it because then I have ‘earned’ my downtime and tend to feel and sleep better. But the thought of committing myself to a busier life makes me full of dread. 🤷‍♀️

I had a really stressful job that I absolutely hated and it gave me terrible anxiety for the first time in my life. I started up my own business from home that allows me to hide away from the world and I feel like I’ve slipped into this lovely little security net. It means I have no work colleagues even and really when you think about it most people have most social interaction day to day with work colleagues. I’ve recently had another baby and it’s not until I was looking back at photos that I was realising everything you take the photos of are the moments you remember. I rarely have photos up of a rainy afternoon we spent in the living room. They’re all from things we went to and one off events. I have got very reliant on only doing kids stuff as ‘my’ stuff though so really I’d love to be able to fit it all in and see friends, have a hobby, keep fit, go to kids things, go out with my husband etc but in reality I just very quickly slip back into my little safety net of hiding away!

Hi OP, interesting thread. I've become completely disillusioned with the friendships I thought I had after someone in the family became ill, and no one seemed to bother to acknowledge it really. It was then that I realised I didn't have the friendships I thought I had. After dropping the rope and the majority not getting in touch, I realised I didn't miss most of the friendships really, and that I'd probably been holding on to them past their sell by date. The friendships I missed I realised that I'd been looking at through rose tinted glasses. So now I'm left with a couple of very old friendships but the friends live far away.

I work with my husband and see my kids and the rest of the time I'm on my own- husband works very long hours - but I'm happy to be no longer pushing water uphill trying to people please and also keep friendships going that aren't worth the effort!

I think I'm in between tribes at the moment and am sure that better friendships are on their way. In the mean time I'm happy as I am am enjoying the solitude and getting to know myself at last without worrying about anyone other than my husband and kids. And oh when the new tribe members do show up, I will be looking for reciprocity!

Maybe you could go to the odd social event here and there if you want to but remember that happiness is an inside job. There is nothing wrong with being happy on your own.

I agree with PP that you feel flat because you have reduced your world.

Jonathan Haidt has written about this, but the whole "introversion" thing is an example of how people often make choices that aren't best for their health and happiness. People who define themselves as introverts may choose to isolate themselves, yet when they are pushed by external factors to spend more time with others, their mental health and happiness improve.

I think we've been sold this idea that being extremely busy and always on the go is the celebrated way to live, when in fact most of us end up being burnt out and disappointed.
I love the quiet life, it's enough for me. I had a more outgoing way of life when younger.
When you see people out and about constantly taking photos, who are those photos for? Most of the time it's for social media.

I’m a SAHM and although I’m extrovert and love getting out and about, I do love my own company and always have my own agenda: but my hobbies all involve social interaction anyway. Without that I’d have a very flat life!

If you have spare time it is good to do some volunteer work. I may do this once my son leaves home in a few years. I am a hermit too lol.

I go on facebook twice a week as it is too fake.

@JMSA are you my long lost twin?

nothing better than a snuggling up on the sofa for the day/evening and tucking into a nice meal by myself while watching tv/reading a book.

I've never been an introvert per se, quite the opposite in fact. and I've travelled a fair amount, had a lot of hobbies in the past. but I feel happiest putting my feet up at home on my own.

Do you exercise. I do a local walk which lasts an hour. About half way round I realise my mood has lifted - endorphins!

I do think you are far too young to hide away like this, and it sounds as if you are doing it for several reasons:
Lack of energy - if you eat too much and watch telly all the time you'll feel exhausted. Also depression is tiring.
Not wanting to go out because you look overweight.
Fear of failure - what if it goes wrong?
Laziness/habit.

I am older than you and would, if left to my own devices, slide into the kind of existence you describe. However I know that about myself so take care to push myself - I have recently started going to the gym (that was/is scary, but I am always so glad when I've done it, and happy too because of endorphins.)

I cycle to work and always have done. Again, this is often the last thing I feel like but I make myself. Ditto swimming once or twice a week.

I organise cultural and fun things to do - the theatre, an art exhibition, a concert, a night drinking with old friends in a new part of town. These things usually feel like a massive effort and I wish I didn't have to go but afterwards my mood is really boosted.

I also follow health and fitness accounts on social media and try to cook new and (mostly) healthy things.

OP I really think you need to pull yourself together. Getting fatter and fatter watching telly on the couch is a complete waste of your life.

Yes that is fairly unusual for me too but DC are not home right now so no need to go out. Also I don't know what the definition of an introvert is, not sure if that's me as I can be loud/chatty when out but I definitely have no issue in my own company. I do WFH and COVID/pandemic has definitely made me more used to being in the house without going anywhere. A lot of my not going out is laziness. I seem to be so busy most of the time that when not, I just want to do nothing, even though I love the outdoors.

I'm probably totally unreasonable and projecting here, but I think you should push yourself to go out or do a little bit more.

I like both going out / events/ experiences AND alone time equally. I used to have a pretty 50:50 lifestyle, then I had disabled kids. Our world got smaller and smaller and smaller. If I'm honest, I would never have thought this could happen to me. You never know what could happen in the blink of an eye.

Unless you are truly 100% happy with your life as it is now, don't get to your deathbed having spent your life working / watching television.