Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting fed up of them

34 replies

rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:02

Moved to a new area last year and DD started a new school in year 2 in September. I’ve gone out of my way to get friendly with the mums. My DD has fitted right in and is very popular with the other kids and is very happy. I asked her if she wants to go back to old school and response was “NO WAY”.

so all in all I’m happy but I’m really fed up with most of the mothers. I’ve managed to reach out to nearly all the mums and apart from 3 of them the rest of them are like this: don’t respond to my messages for ages, agree a date but don’t tell me the time! Ignore my messages regarding time. I am a highly organised person and I’m thinking it might be just me but I’m really pissed off!

Example: I’ve kept the entire day tomorrow free as arranged a playdate with a child in her class. Mother has made all The right noises like she’s looking forward to it etc. I’ve given her my address but she has not responded with the time! I messaged her again asking what type of food her child likes and if she has allergies/special dietary needs but no response! I messaged again saying just heading to the shops to buy snacks for tomorrow let me know about allergies etc. still no response and it’s nearly 11pm!

am I just expecting too much? Are people just too laid back in her new school? Or subtly trying to tell me they don’t actually want a meet up.

things like this stress me out.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 24/08/2023 23:06

Yes you're expecting too much and possibly coming on too strong. Why do you need to reach out to all the mums instead of letting things happen naturally?

Massivedicks · 24/08/2023 23:10

Your messages sound pretty intense. I'd feel harassed by that level of chasing.

Just get snacks and see how it goes. You might have burnt bridges with this one though !

Original poster
rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:10

Cos I’m the new person! There’s only 12 mums in the class and I want to get to know them. How else would they even know who I am? It’s a soft start so I rarely see anyone and DD goes to after school clubs do again don’t see anyone. It’s nothing abnormal about wanting to meet other mums..

OP posts:
Passivhaus · 24/08/2023 23:11

You do sound intense tbh

The amount of questions would be tiring.

Not sure why you can't suggest the time

Member869894 · 24/08/2023 23:11

You sound exhausting

cocksstrideintheevening · 24/08/2023 23:12

Ooh, back off would be my advice. I used to Chuck my kids in the gate and run for the train, pick up was mostly nanny's, gp's or childminders.

Original poster
rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:12

So it’s intense asking about dietary needs? Say if they don’t eat pork and I make ham sandwiches?

OP posts:
Poppyseed14 · 24/08/2023 23:15

Aw I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP. You're trying to make friends which isn't easy and you're clearly going to a lot of effort to accommodate dietary requirements etc. The least they can do is let you know. They sound flaky tbh and I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting on them turning up I'm sorry to say.

SallyWD · 24/08/2023 23:15

I think loads of people are like this. One of my daughter's friends mums seems to ignore messages for days on end - even when I can see she's been on WhatsApp, my messages are left unread. It's really common amongst the parents. It makes me feel like I must be a phone addict because I see and read messages within minutes of them arriving.
I think you just need to get on with it. Assume her child can eat pizza or something and assume she's coming. Don't go to any trouble do if she doesn't come it's no big deal.

Original poster
rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:17

@Poppyseed14 @SallyWD thank you. I really appreciate your suggestions. i wish I knew the time so could plan the food!

OP posts:
thillanddale42 · 24/08/2023 23:21

Having been through ten years of primary, word of advice would be that never expect anyone to behave like you do - in fact don't expect anything. Act chilled even if you aren't feeling it. Have food in which can be flexible. Most kids eat toast if all else fails - beans, eggs ?!... but let it happen organically. If you are stressing about the little things now, people will pick up on it. Also some
of those mums might know each other already for a few years, this might be their second child and can't be bothered to make friends. Just because you want to make friends and are doing all the 'right things' doesn't mean anyone has to respond......and your childs friendships will wax and wane too.... year 6 will probably look nothing like year 2 !!!!.... it's hard but try to be patient.

Original poster
rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:21

If someone messaged me to ask what kind of foods my child and myself liked I would think it’s so lovely not intense! This thread had made me realise I need to spend time with people that appreciate the same things as me. It’s lovely to have a nice spread laid out which your guests can eat all of and in my opinion it’s rude not to ask people their preferences and make what ever you want. It’s clear now not everyone makes effort anymore. Of course I wouldn’t do this at every meet-up!

OP posts:
CyberCritical · 24/08/2023 23:22

It's the summer holidays and if the other mums are anything like me, they're trying to manage working full time, ferrying kids to really inconveniently located holiday clubs at times that make getting to and from work on time impossible, in between that they're trying to make sure that activities and holidays happen to 'make memories' because Facebook is making us feel guilty that we work, while also getting the back to school stuff sorted. Between all that they're cleaning the house and getting the normal life stuff done.

So messages from the new mum wanting to make friends and add more stuff to the already really full calendar are pretty low priority.

Original poster
rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:23

@thillanddale42 thank you but I’m not stressing in the least, I know I’m weird but I love hosting and cooking. I actually used to get requests from friends to cater for their parties! I just live entertaining and cooking for people.

OP posts:
thillanddale42 · 24/08/2023 23:26

Also try not to take it personally - I have worked out after years, who will respond early/ late/never, who is always late to the party, who is helpful /useless - these are just the way people operate and whilst it might not be your way, it is a way. I try not to let it get to me and crack on regardless now and unless someone is intentionally cruel or mean, it's not my problem

  • I just know I couldn't operate that way !
Iammetoday · 24/08/2023 23:29

Generally if a child gas allergies the parent cones prepared so dont stress that, next time say- feel free to come round for a play around 10:30am for a few hours- then leave it at that. Honestly I have a child same age, I'd drop n run at that age unless I was actually already friends with the mum. It is hard to be the outsider but let it happen natural, someone will ask you to a BBQ or event with the kids and a friendship will start.

thillanddale42 · 24/08/2023 23:29

Ps, I also love hosting - it's not weird at all.

WandaWonder · 24/08/2023 23:30

rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:21

If someone messaged me to ask what kind of foods my child and myself liked I would think it’s so lovely not intense! This thread had made me realise I need to spend time with people that appreciate the same things as me. It’s lovely to have a nice spread laid out which your guests can eat all of and in my opinion it’s rude not to ask people their preferences and make what ever you want. It’s clear now not everyone makes effort anymore. Of course I wouldn’t do this at every meet-up!

"makes the effort" you are coming across as judgmental and intense and they don't do what you have decided to do so they are in the wrong, I give people a time from and leave it at that

If this is all real your intense-ness may be putting them off

maddening · 24/08/2023 23:31

Yanbu, of course you need a time agreed and to know diet requirements.

Next time say something straight off like "shall we say 1pm after lunch and you can pick up at 4 - just going to give them some cheese sandwiches as a snack unless there are dietary needs -.let me know if this works for you"

Totallyterrific · 24/08/2023 23:36

I agree with thrillandale. I get that you enjoy cooking, love planning and want to be respectful of allergies, likes/dislikes. Creating a wonderful menu for a party of adults etc is great but these are 6/7yo kids.
Parents are busy, kids are fickle (change their minds a lot). Try to go with the flow more, be more chilled.
Just have a load of stuff in and offer things like pizza, baked beans etc. Easy stuff that kids like and no big deal.
And be waaaay less intense in your questioning style.

WandaWonder · 24/08/2023 23:37

maddening · 24/08/2023 23:31

Yanbu, of course you need a time agreed and to know diet requirements.

Next time say something straight off like "shall we say 1pm after lunch and you can pick up at 4 - just going to give them some cheese sandwiches as a snack unless there are dietary needs -.let me know if this works for you"

I would assume if a child has some allergy that means they would end up in hospital if given the wrong food the parent would have mentioned it

LoveThisUsername · 24/08/2023 23:38

rain3 · 24/08/2023 23:21

If someone messaged me to ask what kind of foods my child and myself liked I would think it’s so lovely not intense! This thread had made me realise I need to spend time with people that appreciate the same things as me. It’s lovely to have a nice spread laid out which your guests can eat all of and in my opinion it’s rude not to ask people their preferences and make what ever you want. It’s clear now not everyone makes effort anymore. Of course I wouldn’t do this at every meet-up!

You sound fine op. I'm not sure what is wrong with expecting someone to confirm a time, but mn is downright fucking rude about this imo. The consensus on here seems to be that it's OK to

•Not read or reply to messages
•If you do reply, it's OK to do so 3 weeks after it's been sent
•not rsvp to bday parties in case something better comes along
•never confirm plans/times

Just rude.

Hopper123 · 24/08/2023 23:41

You come across as a very nice, friendly and sociable person but in all honesty a lot of mums at the school gate just aren't that interested in making friends with other school mums. From my perspective I know I'm not. I have one or two that I speak to and have a bit of banter with on the yard whilst we're waiting for pick up but there's only two mums who I actually have any kind of friendship with and even then it's not particularly close. With the one I'm most friends with we just laugh and tell each other how much we can't be bothered with any socialising with other mums or responding to the whatsapp group chats and that's actually the reason we're friends because there is absolutely zero sense of having to text back promptly or make and keep to Any plans we make we don't put pressure on each other and as such when we do meet it's because we genuinely have both the time and the energy to make the effort and enjoy it. I used to be very sociable and very outgoing but as I've gotten older and gotten so frazzled with the juggling act of mother, wife and daughter of older parents I just can't be bothered with new relationships which take time and effort to build. I wouldn't take it personally I would take it as they are probably just tired mums with a different idea of what they want from other mums at the school gate. Hopefully you will click naturally with one or two who are of a similar mindset to you soon. It's lovely that your daughter is so settled and happy so hopefully you will be too.

Carol52 · 24/08/2023 23:44

Bless you I don't think you are being to over powering. The school gate can be daunting and if you daughter has fitted in well that's great that is the main thing. Have any of the mums asked you round yet. If you really want to arrange something catch them at the gate and pin point date and time. If they then don't turn up of avoid maybe give them a miss. They are just being rude. Good luck

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 24/08/2023 23:52

Not everyone will be like you OP and want to make friends.

I really wasnt into the playground mum scene and dont miss it at all.