Furious with husband. AIBU?

[TS45]

I’m so upset.
My husband and I have been TTC for 16 months with no success. After a very late period, I felt so hopeful, but it turned out to just be another negative test. My husband’s brother, who’s 2 years younger, is expecting a baby with his girlfriend, which they have been very open about in how easy they were to convince. I’m absolutely thrilled for them but I can’t help but feel heartbroken that it isn’t me, and it feels so unfair to hear all about an accidental pregnancy when I’m doing everything I can to get pregnant. So many close friends are also pregnant, and last night was a particularly heavy night of hearing, ‘we weren’t even trying, I’m so shocked’, from so many different people. Once home, I broke down. My husband asked what was wrong (he was out with me), and after I explained, he put his arm around me for about 2 minutes then got up and went on his Xbox. I was still crying and asked him if we could do something together, and he responded by saying he wants to play Xbox by himself. I reacted by getting up and telling him I’m going to bed then, and then he got annoyed and said I was ruining his evening by making him feel like he can’t play on his Xbox. I told him he can play on his Xbox, but that I thought he would have wanted to do something together. He said that I shouldn’t use my heartache to guilt him into getting my own way. He then put his Xbox back on and I went upstairs to bed. I sobbed because I just felt like he didn’t care about me and I felt sad because of the complete lack of comfort. He could hear me crying but didn’t come up to bed until 2am (he started his game at 9.30pm).
when he finally came to bed, he asked me why I was upset, so I had to re-explain how down I feel about not being able to get pregnant. I told him I feel so alone when most women in my life are currently pregnant, and I feel like my life is on standstill. He then asked why I’m so upset with him because ‘it’s not my (his) fault you can’t get pregnant’. I explained I’m upset with him because he didn’t comfort me, and chose to sit there and play Xbox knowing his wife was in tears. He said he did comfort me because he put his arm around me. That was for 2 minutes and he stopped doing it to play even though I was still crying. He said he wanted to play Xbox and it’s selfish of me to expect him to not do what he wants to do.
This morning, he got up early to take our puppy out for the toilet. He then got ready and went out with his friends for a few hours. During this time, I watched our puppy, took our older dog out for an hour long walk, then took our puppy out for a 20 minute walk (our older dog pulls so much it’s impossible to walk them together by yourself). I then did work in our garden, cleaned the downstairs of our house, and made us both lunch. He came home and had his lunch then proceeded to lie on the floor with the dogs whilst all the plates, pans, and bowls were in the sink. I asked if he could help me with the dishes which he did. He then followed up by telling me to put all the dishes away because he’s washed them and it’s not fair if he washes and dries. I then pointed out all of the things I’d done whilst he was out and he said, ‘well I got up early with the puppy and you didn’t’. I normally get up early with the puppy. He also said I should have done the dishes because I made the lunch and therefore used the dishes and he didn’t. I’m now sat upstairs really upset whilst he’s sat downstairs. I just feel like he’s been so selfish yesterday and today. But I’m still really sensitive from last night. He also hasn’t asked me once how I am today.

am I being unreasonable or has he been quite selfish?

Absolutely! I wouldn’t expect it off my spouse and wouldn’t do it for him either. My toddler has enough emotional regulation that after a quick cry and a huge he is able to mentally shift to something else. The thing is it’s not like the infertility is a short term issue that Op is going to have a cry about and then feel better about. It’s an ongoing thing to deal with and better coping strategies are going to need to be found and expecting someone to be by your side and not do their chosen activity isn’t fair. What will happen if baby comes? You have to emotionally regulate yourself to be a good parent to your child. And we all fail at this at times I’m sure but the first step is recognizing you can and should be regulating yourself and not seeing it from others.

@Valerie23
Terribly upset can look and manifest differently for different people. Loud and lingering crying and sobbing is by no means the only way of suffering or expressing pain in fact it is only one of many ways , and it is no measure or determinant of the level of pain.

It is offensive to try to marginalize someone's reaction because it differs from your resources. Some people just sob and cry as their default response, and that is fine for them.It is unreasonable though to fault others for not being drawn into that response.. It is quite possible that he partner has come to realize that this is her typical response mode , and he is respectful of her right to respond in that manner. The OP seems less respectful of his right to cope in the manner that works best for him.

These are 2 people who on the surface do not seem particularly compatible.

I would disagree. I am genuinely sorry for her TTC to no avail - but the whole business about her crying and him playing on his xbox and her crying more loudly to get his attention etc really reminds me of my DDs when they were in Year 9.

Adults would actually talk about this, properly, without all the tears and drama. Adults don't need to spend entire evenings repeatedly re-hashing their emotions. I couldn't begin to think of having a relationship with someone who needed that level of what I would regard as teenage intensity.

Sadly I agree with others that he doesn't sound like the right partner to be having a baby with, particularly if he's ignoring the fact that he could have low sperm count etc. It feels a bit like he's not bothered as he sees ttc as your problem, not his.

Separately I know you will have heard a million suggestions for successful conception and obviously getting checked out medically is a key step, but friends of mine who have been found to have 'unexplained' fertility issues have found success through 1) having sex at different times of the day (our circadian rhythm affects hormone levels and thus fertility) and 2) taking the pressure off by giving up actively trying to conceive for a while - not tracking ovulation, fertile windows etc. Obviously 2 is very tricky though when you are desperate to conceive as it's so hard not to stress about it or focus on when you're ovulating etc. You may have tried these things already so sorry if unhelpful.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Also have these cracks in the relationship only emerged recently? If not perhaps you are under long term stress which again can make it harder to conceive. Perhaps it is worth getting some counselling to ensure you're on the same page.

The fact that he said ‘it’s not his fault’ tells me this dude isn’t ready for a kid and it also a twat

Dont mean to be unkind.... but you already have a child in your household....
I wouldnt be having a baby with someone so insensitive and immature.

You're with someone you can't seem to have children with, yet he refuses medical checks because he 'knows' it won't be his problem...just read that back to yourself and answer your own thread

You could make a quilt with all the red flags

I’ve got lots of tests coming up. He’s been asked to schedule a blood test to see his hormone levels but he hasn’t done it yet because, in his words, ‘my hormones are obviously fine’.

I had fertility tests in the mid 1980s. My then H's contribution was to donate 2 sperm samples, on separate occasions. I took the first one in, but it so happened he came with me in the car to the hospital when the second one needed to handed in.

I asked him to take the sample in. He said no. I tried to explain that we should be equal partners in this, and that I was also undergoing fertiility tests. He said no. To my utter shame, I begged him, thinking it would show him just how important it was, to me if not to him. He said no.

I took the second sample in alone, while he waited in the car. When I look back, I think that is the point at which my marriage broke.

I ended up having an investigative laproscopy under general anaesthetic. I was terrified and alone in hospital the day before the operation. He had a work meeting about 80 miles away that evening which he decided he had to attend, so he couldn't visit me in hospital the evening before the op, although he did appear at my bedside the next day. Literally his only contribution to our fertility investigations amounted to two wanks.

I was heading for my late 30s. I did go on to get pregnant twice, naturally, with that very same H. But unfortunately the man I married turned out to be far from the partner I thought he would be.

It took me until I was nearly 60 to be in a position where I could divorce him. I've been happily living alone since then for more than a decade.

Well you're a grown woman (I'm assuming) on Mumsnet.

So what's the difference?

Horses for courses.

DO NOT REPRODUCE WITH THIS MAN.

The first month (or so) with a newborn, your hormones are a mess and you're basically a crying, worried mess. Is this the person you want to support you through that!?!?

That's even before you get to the part of ACTUALLY parenting the kids. You'll need respect, support and backing up when times get tough. Not just him fannying around with the dogs after a jolly with his mates. Will he respect you enough to support you in those tough moments? Or, from what sounds likely from this snapshot, will he undermine you and not follow through on whatever parenting strategy you've agreed on, because, well, it's 'not faiiir' that he has to put dishes away AND parent his kids on the same day (and there by acting like an extra child, which, obviously you'll have to parent too!)

Not even mentioning the 20-fold increase of mental load, when he's ALREADY not doing his fair share when there are only 2 of you.

He's already blaming you for infertility, when, by the sounds of it, you're at the start of the exploration process. A blame- focused mentality won't be conducive to raising well-balanced kids.

Don't fall victim to the sunken cost phallacy - it's not too late to back out and either go it alone, or find a partner who respects you as a HUMAN BEING. You deserve to give yourself that.

I’m sorry OP. I hope you can talk about how you’re feeling with someone else? He sounds autistic. But I definitely would be re-examining if you want children with someone so unempathetic

A relationship that is already tit-for-tat will become 100x more so with children. They test even the strongest relationship.
That said, I am so very sorry for your fertility troubles. I can only imagine how difficult and heartbreaking that must be, especially when those around you are having babies

Yes he's selfish

No you shouldn't have children with him

You will end up doing everything

Do not have children with that man. He is a useless husband and he'll be an even more useless father.

Don't continue to plan a baby with this man. He will continue tobreak your heart hour by hour for the rest of your life.

How old are you both, OP? You both come across as very young; not necessarily in years but in terms of maturity.

You're both acting like children with the 'I did this so I don't have to do that' nonsense.

Or Teen 1 stamping off to play on x box and Teen 2 stamping off to do sobbing in the bedroom.

You say he hadn't noticed you were upset by the conversations, that you'd carried on being upset or that you might need extended comfort and attention.
He feels emotions deeply and does cry himself.
Is he neurodiverse? (putting on my tin hat and hiding under table).

You have one dog you haven't trained to behave. Into this you brought a second puppy (a baby substitute?) Is this puppy getting trained? Bringing a baby into a house with two untrained dogs may not be wise.

How do you think you are going to cope with the overwhelming demands of a new baby on top of all that? Will it continue with 'I did that feed so I don't have to do this nappy'?

Having a baby is a partnership not a war.
You haven't said how old you both are - if you're younger, maybe step away from the TTC pressure for now. Straighten some things out first.

He needs to step up and get his tests done too - he's half of this conversation. If he persists in refusing to support you in this by getting it done, that's a fair indication of how selfish he's likely to be when the baby does arrive, plus the load of extra work that will bring. Is he already telling you this is all on you?

Get the dogs trained first so they can be safe around a baby.

Have some proper sensible adult conversation and agreements about the business of being parents.

Then you can decide if you truly see him as being a supportive co-parent able to step up and be by your side on this difficult journey.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 dead. Ahh that tickled me.

I don't have much patience for people sitting around crying and demanding attention for it. He's a twat though for not getting the tests done. His hearts not in it. Time to find someone who really does want a family.

I feel for you OP and I do not think a lot of posters understand. I am not a particularly emotive person and certainly do not typically cry loudly for hours but when we were going through infertility and loss (3yrs) there were many occasions where DH held me as I cried for an hour, got upset himself, talked about it endlessly etc. We both got upset (privately) when everyone around us was conceiving with ease. He went for every test he could willingly. That is the behaviour I expect of a spouse - you are a team, looking to conceive together, helping one another regulate your emotions. Showing empathy and compassion.

I know this is unbelievably hard to suggest but it might be time to take a pause and think really hard about whether this is the man for you. As many posters have said, this person is unlikely to be a good co parent. I appreciate depending on your age it might not be that easy.

You need to completely reassess this relationship and put TTC on hold while you're having a good hard think.

You're married to a bone lazy man who keeps score and withholds emotional and physical support from you. This won't improve if you ever have a baby. In fact, it will be a thousand times worse because you'll be trapped.

I'd go so far as to say he's checked out of the relationship.

what now

Could he be any more insensitive when you're upset! What a selfish manchild.

Does it not occur to anyone that his man may have run out of comforting and soothing words. This has been an ongoing problem and it is probably just one of many times that the OP has been sobbing and crying.

It is possible that the man himself may feel frustrated. He can't impregnate her and he comfort her. He cannot prevent the loud and I suspect frequent sobbing and crying. We haven't heard of much comfort that has been offered to him.

Again, these are 2 people in a situation over which they have no ability to fix and seemingly little understanding or appreciation of how they each function.

Little is gained by suggesting that the husband is the culprit. The just seem ill suited for each other and that is no ones fault.