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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard BIL to be calling me a bitch

41 replies

fitzyton · 24/08/2023 15:55

Yesterday I was napping on the sofa when all of a sudden my dog barked, causing me to wake up but not open my eyes as I wanted to dose off again.

At the same time my BIL to be rang my sis and they spoke on speaker.

Out of NOWHERE my BIL says "get that bitch [insert name], to figure it out]. The thing they were talking about was a very minor activity my sister and I need to figure out together.

I'm very hurt because all my sister did was say "I'm on speaker, X is napping next to me. That's a bit harsh". The latter of which I felt was to cover herself incase I was awake.

I don't really like the guy as I have realised (more so recently) that he is emotionally abusive to my sister and a manipulator. Pretty sure he faked a desire to move to the US via work to get my sis to move in with him/make a greater commitment.

But as someone with who grew up around a lot of trauma I have an inherent desire to be liked so really make an effort with him - cooking nice meals, organising activities, deep cleaning the house for his stays. I've never been anything but cordial and polite to him.

My sister and BIL visit my parents home a lot at weekends (live in the Cotswolds) where I'm currently staying as I'm saving for a deposit.

AIBU to stop trying. At the same time that feels terrible as my siblings and I always wanted to be close and socialise with our respective partners.

OP posts:
Original poster
fitzyton · 24/08/2023 16:02

Sister and I are best friends.

I feel like she's weirdly pandering to this massively ordinary bloke with a temper in a way she just would never with anyone else. I mean okay he earns a decent salary, but so does she and our circle in general.

Growing up my sister was a firecracker, really self assured / would stick up for those she saw being bullied (I remember she once asked a random stranger to get their son to apologise to me for pulling my hair at a soft play). So to see her with this is horrifying.

A family friend once told my dad to never "clip her wings as she was going to soar" and it seems that has happened anyway.

OP posts:
Sayitaintso33 · 24/08/2023 16:20

Worry for your sister not your own hurt feelings.
If she has fallen for a bully she is the one at risk not you.
I would speak to her about whether she is comfortable with her husband calling you a bitch and, if not, why she doesn't do something about it.
I would also be curious about why she has her phone on speakerphone when you are sleeping.

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/08/2023 16:24

Yanbu
But stay close to your sister

Notbeinfunnehbut · 24/08/2023 16:28

as much as she has probably been taken in
sometimes ppl need that wake up call of I may loose my relationship with my sister if I don’t defend her
she absolutely isn’t responsible for his behaviour
she is responsible for her response though
what did you say when he said that?
x

Dramatico · 24/08/2023 16:31

Tell her you overheard and tell her how you feel

jlpth · 24/08/2023 16:34

Never mind what he's said about you, you need to talk to her about her life being wrecked by staying with him. Hopefully she has no kids with him yet. She needs to get out of that relationship NOW!

steff13 · 24/08/2023 16:37

Have you posted about them before? Something about you baking for your dog?

Floppyfrog · 24/08/2023 16:38

Well if he's manipulative his goal will be to paint you as the bitch to alienate you from your sister. So don't let him win.

Malificent1 · 24/08/2023 16:42

Tell her you heard him. Wait to see what her response is.

Thehonestybox · 24/08/2023 16:42

I wouldn't go to their wedding, that's for sure. It's totally different to saying "she's being a bitch" or "you are a bitch" - at least with those statements you can have an argument that either gets resolved or doesn't. But him just casually referring to you like that is the sign of an awful nasty person

N27 · 24/08/2023 17:09

I would call him out on it directly and show her that you will not tolerate behaviour like that. Hopefully that will give her the confidence and perspective that maybe she doesn’t either.

I wouldn’t talk to her about it as that is just putting her in the middle and that’s a difficult situation for her to be in, especially if she’s been brainwashed by him.

Often women stay with knobheads believing they’re a good guy at heart and everyone likes them. If they knew other people saw the bad behaviour in his too she may stop doubting herself

Notbeinfunnehbut · 24/08/2023 17:16

N27 · 24/08/2023 17:09

I would call him out on it directly and show her that you will not tolerate behaviour like that. Hopefully that will give her the confidence and perspective that maybe she doesn’t either.

I wouldn’t talk to her about it as that is just putting her in the middle and that’s a difficult situation for her to be in, especially if she’s been brainwashed by him.

Often women stay with knobheads believing they’re a good guy at heart and everyone likes them. If they knew other people saw the bad behaviour in his too she may stop doubting herself

Exactly this
which is why it’s important what he said to you and how to stick up for yourself

billy1966 · 24/08/2023 17:24

Notbeinfunnehbut · 24/08/2023 17:16

Exactly this
which is why it’s important what he said to you and how to stick up for yourself

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Standing up to him and show your distaste rather than making a skivvy out of yourself would be a start.

Original poster
fitzyton · 24/08/2023 17:25

But him just casually referring to you like that is the sign of an awful nasty person

Exactly, we grew up with an abusive father who would inject viciousness on a daly basis and it was hell. The fact she is choosing to repeat history is mind blowing to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
fitzyton · 24/08/2023 17:26

I'm so scared for her.

OP posts:
itsmehiii · 24/08/2023 17:37

Stand up to him

RandomMess · 24/08/2023 17:49

You need to play it very carefully here.

He wants your sister to fall out with you, withdraw from you and have zero support.

See it as the game it is.
He hits low you rise even higher in being lovely and the perfect sister and SIL.

Winter2020 · 24/08/2023 17:55

It sounds like what he said is totally in keeping with his personality so I wouldn't take it personally.

Maybe say/text to your sister "get that b*stard to check he isn't on speaker before he insults your family" add ha ha if you like.

If she asks if you are offended/upset you could say "no cause that's what he's like isn't it? Not a nice man - it's not personal to me". Might make her reconsider her feelings for him.

Original poster
fitzyton · 24/08/2023 17:56

@Notbeinfunnehbut what did you say when he said that?

Nothing as I was pretending to sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
fitzyton · 24/08/2023 17:59

Last time he was here he lost his rag at my sis and I talking/having a laugh during University Challenge. Said he couldn't hear the questions. Sister always defends his behaviour due to him "probably being on the autistic spectrum" and therefore not emotionally intelligent. Like that is an excuse...

OP posts:
tiagra · 24/08/2023 18:00

Stop making an effort for him.
Tell your sister you heard what he said.
Also tell her you're there for her.

Ponoka7 · 24/08/2023 18:04

Why aren't you defending yourself?

Original poster
fitzyton · 24/08/2023 18:08

@Ponoka7 I'm waiting for a more opportune moment when I can share this alongside other reasons I think my sis should leave him

OP posts:
Justanothercatlady · 24/08/2023 18:08

Tell her when his behaviour reminds you of your father and ask her how she feels? She might need reassuring that she CAN back out of living with him and in fact the relationship with him. Can your mum and old friends help her remember what her life was like before him!

saraclara · 24/08/2023 18:11

Tell her when his behaviour reminds you of your father and ask her how she feels

Yep, I'd go with that

"When I heard (BIL) refer to me as a bitch when he called you, I was instantly reminded of how dad treated/spoke to us..."