Overheard BIL to be calling me a bitch

[fitzyton]

Yesterday I was napping on the sofa when all of a sudden my dog barked, causing me to wake up but not open my eyes as I wanted to dose off again.

At the same time my BIL to be rang my sis and they spoke on speaker.

Out of NOWHERE my BIL says "get that bitch [insert name], to figure it out]. The thing they were talking about was a very minor activity my sister and I need to figure out together.

I'm very hurt because all my sister did was say "I'm on speaker, X is napping next to me. That's a bit harsh". The latter of which I felt was to cover herself incase I was awake.

I don't really like the guy as I have realised (more so recently) that he is emotionally abusive to my sister and a manipulator. Pretty sure he faked a desire to move to the US via work to get my sis to move in with him/make a greater commitment.

But as someone with who grew up around a lot of trauma I have an inherent desire to be liked so really make an effort with him - cooking nice meals, organising activities, deep cleaning the house for his stays. I've never been anything but cordial and polite to him.

My sister and BIL visit my parents home a lot at weekends (live in the Cotswolds) where I'm currently staying as I'm saving for a deposit.

AIBU to stop trying. At the same time that feels terrible as my siblings and I always wanted to be close and socialise with our respective partners.

I think you should tel your sister, without getting emotional, what you think is happening. Ie that you believe he is trying to isolate her by being rude to you, and that by being aggressive towards you he is actually being indirectly aggressive towards her. He’s seeing how much she will tolerate. Boiled frog etc. remind her of your dad. But really try not to get emotional and don’t make her choose between you. Just tell her what you think is going on and that you love her and are there for her. I can’t imagine I’m a million years my husband or I referring to the other’s siblings as that bitch/whatever

Are you the same poster who posted about her sis BF being a dick about walking the dog?

Are you the same poster who posted about her sis BF being a dick about walking the dog? Nope

Another family member pointed out that BIL puts in minimal effort since "securing my sister". Literally the second they were engaged he has stopped trying with us.

Visits the family home a lot but will sit in the garden on his own, spend the entire day out etc. He didn't even say good morning last time he stayed. Odd.

Does your mother want him in the house? Why do they stay so often?

Well, he needs to be buried under the patio, doesn't he?

I voted YABU but only because I don't think his comment about you is the main issue here. If he is abusive towards your sister to the extent she has changed her behaviour, I think she did well even tell him it was harsh.

I agree having a chat with her and saying how the way he spoke reminded you of your Dad. Unsure on the calling out publicly because if he's used to you trying to please him then you do that, he may try isolate her from you.

@pinkyredrose Does your mother want him in the house?
Well we all love having sister over and it is sadly a package deal these days. Sister likes being with the family also as we have always been close. I think BIL likes country breaks.

Interestingly, he is no contact with his own family but seems to always be visiting our side.

Do you think he won't let her visit without him? Does she ever go anywhere alone?

She often visit when he's has plans to watch the football/rugby for e.g. But he is VERY needy and constantly says I miss you/wish you were here etc.

Needy or controlling? From what else you have said I suspect the latter

Oh I remember that, something about baking a birthday cake for a dog/celebrating with the whole family and then they got annoyed at posters pointing out that they were being batshit about the dog. You might be right, there was a similar dynamic with the sister and her fiancé in that thread.

Oh here, it’s the first recommended post. Featuring both walking the dog and baking for it. Dunno, if it’s not the same person then they certainly have a habit of typing the same.

Have you posted about this guy before @fitzyton

Yeah, I think it's definitely the same poster. This post mentions the father behind abusive to the mother too.