To think that just because I complain doesn't mean I'm not happy (overall)

[chatenoire]

I go to therapy about twice a month. I've been going to the same therapist now for about 5 years I think.

I obviously vent with her, but she always thinks I downplay how I feel overall but also have a somewhat negative outlook.

I don't necessarily agree. Yes, I had a very underwhelming two week holiday. Yes, I'll never do that type of holiday again. Yes, holidays are one of those "carrots" in life for me, which adds to the feeling of blargh.

Yes, my life (in some ways) is a bit of a vicious cycle. I don't like where we live, but we live here because of the DC. Because of where we live, the only real jobs that pay enough are fully remote, so I have to work remotely even though I don't like it because I find it isolating. Which circles back a bit to the "I love my holidays because I'm finally away from home".

However, I don't think that means I don't enjoy my everyday life. The fact that I don't like the set up is just one of those facts of life, like the sky being blue.

If you’re happy and have nothing major to worry about day to day, why are you going to therapy twice a month?

Sometimes it's more like a paid friend/chat. But my family setup was fairly traumatic (I don't talk to my sister), I suffered from severe PND that lasted years and made bonding a bit difficult.

However, I do wonder sometimes why I still go to therapy!

Why are you going to therapy if you're generally happy?

It sounds like your therapist is making quite a reasonable point to me.

See the explanation above :)

Most confusing thread I’ve ever seen

are you happy or aren’t you happy?

i don’t have therapy right now but I know I’d love for that chat with someone different.

you need to work out where you stand in your life

Maybe next time you go it would be worth talking about what you’re getting from therapy and whether you think it’s still beneficial for you. Maybe you’re finding things to complain about because you enjoy something about the therapy but you’ve lost sight of what you really want to gain from it.

Is there an exit plan?
Therapy usually has a sell by date/ is time limited with the therapist regularly mentioning the time frame.
What did you contract in the beginning?

I mean - from your post there's nothing that stands out about you being happy with any aspect of your day to day life so I totally see her point.

That's the thing, overall with life I am content, but that doesn't mean that I don't like bits of it that I can't change.

Your post doesn’t mention anything particularly positive so you are giving the impression of having a negative outlook.

What is good about your life? You seem to be living your life with a view to future gratification rather than enjoying it now. eg can’t wait for the holiday to escape my current situation- holiday didn’t live up to expectations- must plan a different holiday to escape - that holiday has even more expectations on it etc etc.

It sounds like coaching might be of more benefit to work towards goals rather than focusing on the past so much.

If you currently can’t change bits of your life then how is therapy helping you accept that?

That would be counselling. Therapy doesn't have an "expiry date" it's more like a lifestyle thing.

I love my husband, yes he's not perfect but I've never felt the way he makes me feel.

Our little boy is perfect. I love how mischievous he is, his voice, his little face.

I love my job. I actually never complain about it, I wish we lived close to our HQs so I could hang out more often.

I love my car, one of the best things I've ever bought!

Love my doggo! Love seeing her smile.

if this comment is bothering you enough to post here, is that because there might be a grain of truth in it?

Reading your first post, it does sound like you do have a negative outlook on some things and are quite unhappy in some areas of your life. You have three choices: 1. change one or more of those areas; 2. try to change your attitude, or 3. carry on as you are. I don't massively see the point in 3 - everyone needs to vent from time to time, but if it is "complaining", i.e. regular on the same things, it is clearly causing you some misery, and you only live once.

I don't want you to think this is me sniping at you. I was very unhappy, and very defensive about it (in particular to myself) in my twenties, and I know what a rut it can be, but life is so much better without hating fundamental aspects of it - and where you live is pretty fundamental.

Generally in my experience, therapists recognise the need to vent occassionally and distinguish that from overall outlook, so the fact that your therapist has picked it up is pretty telling.

What is actually stopping you moving? Children can live in any number of circumstances.

But why can’t you change where you live? I moved countries in 2020 just because I wanted to. DS would have preferred to stay put, but that’s life. I’m not a martyr to my child’s wants, and I wasn’t going to stay somewhere I was unhappy till he’d finished his education.

If you hate where you live AND you hate remote working which you are stuck with purely because of where you live, surely that’s something you need to at least consider changing. Or at least outing a strict time limit on, so you can move without unduly interrupting;damaging your child’s education.

C+post with @ThePiglet.

So you seeing a therapist and you are even happy? OK

your post reveal tons of unhealthy thinking.....good you are sorting the mental health issues

It would mean not seeing the older children as often, and the effect that it might have on them.

2- believe it or not I've changed my attitude. It used to really infuriate me when I thought about it. Now it's more like, well one day we'll move and at least that side we'll be done with, but I don't constantly think about it (like I used to).

But you haven't changed your attitude, because you are living in the future, not the present, and that is no recipe for happiness or contentment. By "change your attitude", I mean, learn to take joy in the area you live in and learn to actually enjoy it.

Why would you not see the older children as often?

Well I wouldn't see my DD half the week (to start with). So there's that.

There's literally nothing I enjoy in particular about living here, like at all. The things I currently enjoy in my life are irrelevant of location, but I think that's OK.

I spent my twenties doing jobs I mostly didn't like, that were really badly suited to me. I got it into my head that it would be fine because of how it would turn out. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any more, and I decided that I had to live for now. I retrained, and I won't pretend it was easy. Many people would think it mad because the work I do now is much, much more stressful (although with other compensations) but it is work that I am good at, that I find fulfilling and I am interested in. Overall, my levels of happiness and contentment are miles ahead of where they were then.

I didn't realise how unhappy I was until I bit the bullet and started making the change.

Part of living in the present is that I've had to give up on some of my living in the future -but the trade off is so worth it.

So she lives with an ex-partner half the week? and you'd still see her half the week?

If you were happier in other areas of your life, do you think it might make the time with her (although more limited) better?

I'm not telling you to move (I appreciate that it might seem like it) but it does read that you've settled for a fairly high level of unhappiness and that you are very defended about it. So I really would be thinking about how you can make changes - not all changes involve moving, obviously, but I'd start with everything on the table.

That's a good summary, in a way I have to accept my current life and see it as being "content".

I have pondered about moving away, because I know my life's fulfillment would increase in other ways.

My DM (nor my father but he didn't even remotely try) didn't meet any of my emotional needs when I was my DD's age, and that definitely had a snowball effect that lasted up to not that long ago.

One of my purposes in life is to damage her the least (in that sense).

I think you are a negative thinker. Just your last sentence could be: "I try and make sure my dd feels happy and loved" rather than "limiting the damage done".

You don't like where you live, working from home and your dh feels more for you than you do for him.

They are the cornerstones of life.