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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that just because I complain doesn't mean I'm not happy (overall)

30 replies

chatenoire · 24/08/2023 11:35

I go to therapy about twice a month. I've been going to the same therapist now for about 5 years I think.

I obviously vent with her, but she always thinks I downplay how I feel overall but also have a somewhat negative outlook.

I don't necessarily agree. Yes, I had a very underwhelming two week holiday. Yes, I'll never do that type of holiday again. Yes, holidays are one of those "carrots" in life for me, which adds to the feeling of blargh.

Yes, my life (in some ways) is a bit of a vicious cycle. I don't like where we live, but we live here because of the DC. Because of where we live, the only real jobs that pay enough are fully remote, so I have to work remotely even though I don't like it because I find it isolating. Which circles back a bit to the "I love my holidays because I'm finally away from home".

However, I don't think that means I don't enjoy my everyday life. The fact that I don't like the set up is just one of those facts of life, like the sky being blue.

OP posts:
ThePiglet · 24/08/2023 12:33

You don't "have to" accept your current life. There are no "have to's" and I would be wary of even trying this as you will be setting yourself up to fail and for more guilt and unhappiness when you don't. I don't know if you have had CBT, but I do think some of the approaches might be helpful to you (and maybe a new therapist? Shake things up a little?).

If your parents didn't meet your emotional needs, then it is likely that not having your needs met is very familiar to you. So staying in a sitution which is causing you unhappiness is "easy" because it is replicating what your parents did. And it puts you in a bind because you can sell it as "I'm meeting my daughter's needs".

One way to make things different for your daughter is to model making positive changes to your life. That might involve moving (or it might not).

What is it about moving that you think would add to your sense of fulfillment? Again, I am not saying this to persuade you to do it, but I think it might be worth observing your feelings around it. It might be that your feelings about moving are correct. Or it might be that "if only I could move" is a proxy for other things. Or it might be that you can bring some of what you perceive you could achieve by moving into your life as it currently is.

Lamelie · 24/08/2023 12:33

Squishybopbadobop · 24/08/2023 11:56

It sounds like coaching might be of more benefit to work towards goals rather than focusing on the past so much.

Hadn’t seen this when I posted. Yes!

Unicorn2022 · 24/08/2023 12:53

You do sound like a glass half empty person and focusing on the distant past too much.

Therapy twice a month for five years is a huge amount - think of all of the extra holidays you could have had for that money instead!

Original poster
chatenoire · 24/08/2023 13:12

ThePiglet · 24/08/2023 12:33

You don't "have to" accept your current life. There are no "have to's" and I would be wary of even trying this as you will be setting yourself up to fail and for more guilt and unhappiness when you don't. I don't know if you have had CBT, but I do think some of the approaches might be helpful to you (and maybe a new therapist? Shake things up a little?).

If your parents didn't meet your emotional needs, then it is likely that not having your needs met is very familiar to you. So staying in a sitution which is causing you unhappiness is "easy" because it is replicating what your parents did. And it puts you in a bind because you can sell it as "I'm meeting my daughter's needs".

One way to make things different for your daughter is to model making positive changes to your life. That might involve moving (or it might not).

What is it about moving that you think would add to your sense of fulfillment? Again, I am not saying this to persuade you to do it, but I think it might be worth observing your feelings around it. It might be that your feelings about moving are correct. Or it might be that "if only I could move" is a proxy for other things. Or it might be that you can bring some of what you perceive you could achieve by moving into your life as it currently is.

That's very insightful thank you!

I think:

a) I'd possibly have more friends as I'm still in touch with some friends when I lived in London.

b) I'd be able to go to museums, the opera, ballet, concerts, etc...

c) silly things like having a Nandos or Costco or IKEA

d) I like the busy city lifestyle. I like smog, traffic, it makes me feel alive (weird but true)

e) I would have this dread that if I lose my job it would be difficult to find another one that pays enough and is fully remote.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatenoire · 24/08/2023 13:38

Unicorn2022 · 24/08/2023 12:53

You do sound like a glass half empty person and focusing on the distant past too much.

Therapy twice a month for five years is a huge amount - think of all of the extra holidays you could have had for that money instead!

Actually over 5 years it probably covers the cost of maybe 50-75% of one. Last year we spent £6k and this year I think it was about the same. Next year we are planning to go to Sweden and that should be around £2-3k (still have to price Airbnbs), the California one will be like £6k. - we've got miles and an Amex voucher!

OP posts:
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