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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sons nursery, and there lack of care...

88 replies

benbon · 29/02/2008 19:53

i just wanted to post this and get some advice,
my son is 2 and a half and has been attending nursery since september in the last 5 weeks he has come home with an accident report form 4 times. on the first occasion he was bitten twice by another child which left two prominent full sets off teeth marks. the next week he had a letter saying he had been hit by another peer, the week after that was a good week no letters

the following week he had been hit again and this week he has been bitten again. now what makes me even more annoyed is that my son cannot talk properly yet so there is no chance of him telling me who has sone this and all the staff refuse to tell me. but when questioned they informed me that the child is in behavourial management. i was told this on more then one occasion so i know it is the same child that keeps doing it, my friends son is in the same nursery and has told me which child keeps doing this so i know he is nearly 4 and will be going to school soon.

now i just want to know am i being unreasniable for wanting this child to be removed from the nursery (which i know they cant do)
it just seems to me that my son is the victim and we are just left to put up with it.

OP posts:
Mellieandmin · 29/02/2008 20:01

That sounds really terrible for your LO. Bless him. What a stress for you each day too wondering what is going to happen once you have dropped him off. I would be worried it would put him off going and cause him to be clingy.

Have you asked other parents if their children are having the same issues?

I would want a meeting with the headmaster/mistress. If this child cannot behave then he/she needs to be better supervised otherwise the behaviour is never going to improve as he/she will think it is OK to go around biting and hitting.

If you do not take action another child is going to get the same treatment from this 4 y/o bully. Poor child too though, what must his life be like to be behaving like this?

FairyMum · 29/02/2008 20:07

I was going to post it is fairly normal for a 2 year-old to bite and children do get bitten in nursery occasionaly. My ds1 was also a biter at this age. Then I saw he was bitten by a 4 year-old and that's definatly not on. In our nursery 2 and 4 year-olds are not together as children are only together with own age group. Also remember ds1 went to nursery with a really aggressive little boy who scared him and the other children. He was biting and hitting a loot at the age of 3 and 4. In the end I think lots of parents complained and he was kicked out. He was a bit like a wild animal though.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/02/2008 20:11

Confidentiality issues mean that staff cannot give you the name of the child concerned, and they would be behaving unprofessionally if they did.

I can appreciate that you are upset that your child is having a hard time there, but am very wary of labelling a four-yearold as a bully.

More discussions with staff around the care of your child rather than around the other child might help

beckystaffs · 29/02/2008 20:11

yanbu- I can see both sides to this.
my two dd's attend nursey and I admit my dd2 can be a little challenging at times (my dd1 was the scratches on her face to prove it). She has apparently bit twice at nursery (though they say she was 1) over excited and 2)in defence. i agree with this usually she does it when her elder sister pushes her to far!
But on the other hand, if this little boy is repeatedly being aggressive to your ds, then the nursery should seperate them (why is a four year old in the same class anyhow, don't they have different rooms/areas? You are NBU to ask for closer supervision and if there is anything your ds might be doing to upset the little boy perhaps?

smartiejake · 29/02/2008 20:13

If a child is that badly behaved they need "behaviour management", surely the child should be VERY closely monitored to prevent such things happening. This is obviously not happening and I would be asking them why.

colditz · 29/02/2008 20:13

You don't know the issues, and calling a 4 year old a bully is pathetic.

Call him an undersupervised over excitable child, but he's NOT old enough to be a bully.

Your child should definitely not be the constant victim of hitting and biting - but if the child who is doing it is in behavioral management, what on Earth do you expect them to do? Bullwhip him? They are dealing with it with the resources they have available, not all 4 year olds who attend nursery are NT, and you CANNOT tell by looking, or even by hearing them speaking.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/02/2008 20:25

Confidentiality issues mean that staff cannot give you the name of the child concerned, and they would be behaving unprofessionally if they did.

I can appreciate that you are upset that your child is having a hard time there, but am very wary of labelling a four-yearold as a bully.

More discussions with staff around the care of your child rather than around the other child might help

Original poster
benbon · 29/02/2008 20:29

i have not called this child a bully. and i do understand that children do often do things without thinking i have 2 myself and they often fight,

the difference is they both know that bitting is not acceptable.

but another thing that concerns me is that my son only attends this nursery once a week so is coming home with a letter every time he goes.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/02/2008 20:30

Oooops sorry for double post

Shaniece · 29/02/2008 20:38

benbon YANBU - my DS has been bitten once (the first week he started nursery [hmm), HOWEVER, that was in Sept and no other complaints or accidents since so I can't complain.

Your DS's nursery sound a bit lax tbh. You need to speak to the nursery manager and tell her you will take your child elsewhere if your DS comes home with more bite marks/accidents etc. It's not fair on your little one - it's not HIS fault another child has behavioural problems.

feelingfedup · 29/02/2008 20:42

staff are clearly incapable or uninterested in managing child with behaviour problem, that's why your dc and others are feeling the effect of this lack of management.
complain to ofstead
complain to local education authority
move your child to a nursery that CARES

ScruffyTeddy · 29/02/2008 20:48

Is this a private nursery? My dd had the same problem, she was being bitten and scratched all the time. Proper teethmarks that didn't fade for days and she now has a scar on her cheek from little fingernails being dug right in. Staff told me that the child's parents were aware of what he was doing and were mortified. He was hurting a lot of the children. I was angry, I was paying over £100 a week for this and felt they should be keeping a closer eye on him.

I dont know what happened, but he does not attend the nursery anymore.

quint · 29/02/2008 20:49

Why is a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old in the same group?

If the staff know about any problems, why are they not watching him more closely?

If I were you I'd be looking for a new nursery otherwise your son will start to hate going to nursery - if he doesn;t already

Shaniece · 29/02/2008 20:52

I think if it's a private nursery, the manager will NOT want to complain to the parent/s of the bullying child because they will be worrying about loosing a paying customer. It's not right though, and as someone else said, you should complain to ofsted, local LEA??

Shaniece · 29/02/2008 20:54

Why isn't a 4 yo in reception or at least nursery - they start at 3 don't they??

Original poster
benbon · 29/02/2008 20:54

its so hard though as he goes with 4 of his little friends and i would hate to take him away from them.

i think i might spend the day with him next time he goes and if i see anything i will have a word with him mother. but then i worry i will be in the wrong. when all i want to do is protect my little one

OP posts:
ScruffyTeddy · 29/02/2008 20:55

btw, op never called the child a bully, that was someone else.

FairyMum · 29/02/2008 20:55

Not true Shaniece.If its a good nursery they should take this seriously. I was always told if my ds1 had bitten another child and also discussed with staff how they had dealt with it.

beeper · 29/02/2008 20:56

Sorry but it just sounds like the same guff he will get when he goes to school.

Large groups of children in small spaces breeds this behaviour.

ShinyDysonHereICome · 29/02/2008 20:59

Children start reception the term after they are 4 Shaneice

Sadly children go through phases of this kind of behaviour. It does sound as though the nursery are managing things properly but I would seek reassurance about the measures they are putting into place to limit the chances of such behaviour occurring.

ScruffyTeddy · 29/02/2008 21:08

I dont think it is unreasonable to not want your child coming home almost every time with visible injuries. A bite really hurts, it would hurt an adult, let alone a little one who cant understand why they are being hurt . Op not unreasonable at all to wonder why measures are not being taken to try and prevent this.

Shaniece · 29/02/2008 21:11

It doesn't really sound as though the nursery are managing things properly though - ok they are asking the parent/s to fill in an accident form blah blah, but this poor 2.5 yo is coming home every week with either bite marks or has been involved in some kind of accident - I would not be happy.

Shaniece · 29/02/2008 21:13

another thing is, I hate it when people say things like " well this is what 2 yo's do" or similar - my DC's have never bitten any other child or hit.

colditz · 29/02/2008 21:16

Well done, you win the prize for being the jammiest parent here today, Shaniece.

But hey, my children have never had the screaming abdabs about going to bed - does that mean all the parents of children who don't sleep deserve to be sneered at?

FairyMum · 29/02/2008 21:16

But it is what SOME 2 year-olds do and its quite normal.

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