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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with sons nursery, and there lack of care...

88 replies

benbon · 29/02/2008 19:53

i just wanted to post this and get some advice,
my son is 2 and a half and has been attending nursery since september in the last 5 weeks he has come home with an accident report form 4 times. on the first occasion he was bitten twice by another child which left two prominent full sets off teeth marks. the next week he had a letter saying he had been hit by another peer, the week after that was a good week no letters

the following week he had been hit again and this week he has been bitten again. now what makes me even more annoyed is that my son cannot talk properly yet so there is no chance of him telling me who has sone this and all the staff refuse to tell me. but when questioned they informed me that the child is in behavourial management. i was told this on more then one occasion so i know it is the same child that keeps doing it, my friends son is in the same nursery and has told me which child keeps doing this so i know he is nearly 4 and will be going to school soon.

now i just want to know am i being unreasniable for wanting this child to be removed from the nursery (which i know they cant do)
it just seems to me that my son is the victim and we are just left to put up with it.

OP posts:

yurt1 · 29/02/2008 22:11

Myabe the mother's barely holding everything together though. Seriously a 4 year old biting is not normal behaviour in my book (a 2 year old is). If a child has some sort of SN (which quite possibly aren't diagnosed yet) then they're not going to be encouraged out of biting. It might be a sensory thing or whatever. You have no way of knowing what's going on, chances are your child would just be bitten wherever you meet.

Take it up with the nursery- that's their job. Ask them if your child is being singled out - or is this child just biting anyone who happens to be standing in the wrong place. If your child is being singled out then you could ask about separating them. If it's random it's harder to deal with.

ScruffyTeddy · 29/02/2008 22:11

That must have been hard to deal with yurt, and great that nursery owner was happy to explain

S1ur · 29/02/2008 22:12

Staedy now Scruffy.

I don't think benbon being flamed here, or anyone for that matter.

She hasn't slated other child and neither has anyone else AND noone has suggested otherwise. The idea of labeling a child aggressive as a part of who they are is not to do with slating a child it is a matter of perspective. I ad others just suggested it isn't particularly helpful. But that was a digression from the OP anyway.

I'm not sure what you mean bb when you say the child who bit is protected?

yurt1 · 29/02/2008 22:14

oh for gods sake benbon I've spent the last 6 years ensuring that my now 8 year old non-verbal child is safe to be around others. I deal with challenging behaviours every day of my life. I am simply saying that if a 4 year old is biting then chances are that something is going on and there may not be a simple 'tell the child not to do it' solution.

TotalChaos · 29/02/2008 22:15

That last comment was extremely rude bb. Yurt has gone to some trouble to explain politely about SN issues, to give you an idea as to the situation of the nearly 4 year old.

ScruffyTeddy · 29/02/2008 22:16

I didnt say she was being flamed. I said she shouldn't be, was more in anticipation of this thread going tits up, which it will.

ShinyDysonHereICome · 29/02/2008 22:18

Benbon, all children are deserving of protection. Children of this age seldom set out to cause harm to others as I have explained in my previous posts there are many reasons for challenging behaviour.

I say again- this could just as easily be your child doing the biting in 6 months time!

Nurseries have the Daycare Standards, and Ofsted requirements to adhere to. effective behaviour management means that a confidential approach will be in place meaning neither parent knows the name of the other child involved in an issue.

This is the case for very good reasons.

S1ur · 29/02/2008 22:18

I apologise Scruffy for not noting your future tense.

colditz · 29/02/2008 22:18

My child has special needs because I don't care!

So that's why he behaves the way he does!

Thanks for the information.

yurt1 · 29/02/2008 22:19

If behavioural support weren't involved I'd say ask them to be involved (because if staff who are inexperienced at dealing with this sort of stuff don't know what they're doing they can unintentionally make behaviours worse) but if they've been called in then the nursery sound as if they are trying to deal with it. But ask them. Have a meeting, tell them your concerns. Don't expect to be told any details about the child concerned, but ask them to explain their strategy.

ShinyDysonHereICome · 29/02/2008 22:19

What Colditz?

S1ur · 29/02/2008 22:19

I don't think it is very useful to know who precisely the other child is if you are the parents of the bitten. It helps to know if there are particular circumstances that might help you understand a bit, but still no need to name names.

If you are the parent of course you are interested! And you probably do your best to curb behaviour especially if it seems like a reg occurance.

yurt1 · 29/02/2008 22:21

Scruffy- that nursery manager was an absolute star and rock. She did so much for ds1. Paid to go on a PECS course, came with us when he was going for a 3 day therapy session. She was fantastic. The other boys went to that nursery as well and loved it. Unfortunately she got fed up with arguing with the council about things like support for children with SN and sold up

colditz · 29/02/2008 22:22

Sorry Shiny, it was for BenBon, who is guessing that the reason mothers like her who do care are having these problems is that the mothers whose child is doing the hurting don't care.

One day, I will do a crash course in grammar,.

apologies all.

vixma · 29/02/2008 22:23

Let the head know your concerns as sometimes nursery staff have not got the resources to give one on one attention to a child with behavoral needs and talking to the head may help get more help within the group. Sadly it is down to budget. You could also volunteer your self or ask other parents if they can support within the class to help the nursery teacher. Its a hard situation. Letting the head know can bring to attention how serious the situation is.

Original poster

benbon · 29/02/2008 22:24

if there was a partaiclar reason for this i would totally be understanding but the child in question doesnt have sn i really do think it is just down to lack of supervision,

sorry yurt1 i was just talking about the protection comment i would not dream of starting anything with the other mother i was saying about talking to her so that we could maybe let the boys meet up in there own time and see how they get one.

OP posts:

ShinyDysonHereICome · 29/02/2008 22:25

Thanks Colditz- that makes sense now

Benbon I really think you've been very unfair to Yurt who has gone out her way to share an obviously painful experience with you, not to mention some very good advice.

Original poster

benbon · 29/02/2008 22:27

its just hard when the nursery are giving us no reasons all we are given at the end of his day is a little note saying what has happened that we have to sign.

OP posts:

ShinyDysonHereICome · 29/02/2008 22:27

Benbon you are clearly not bothering to listen to anything anybody says to you in trying to help. You don't know what the other child's needs are, you don't know what developmental stage they are at. You are making judgements without the correct information.

I'm stepping away from this thread now as your attitude is beginning to piss me off.

Original poster

benbon · 29/02/2008 22:28

i have apologised

OP posts:

Divastrop · 29/02/2008 22:29

did i miss the reason why a 4 year old and a 2 year old are in the same class?

Original poster

benbon · 29/02/2008 22:29

they just have a communial area for painting and things

OP posts:

S1ur · 29/02/2008 22:30

bb you should definately talked to the nursery then. Arrange a meeting - preferably a time without dc.

Ask to see their policies and to discuss what strategies they have in placxe for curbing biting behaviuor generally. They should be able to answer you clearly and they should have stuff written down for you to see.

yurt1 · 29/02/2008 22:30

I think there's lots of cross posts going on here.

Benbon don't worry (honestly). Don't totally discount SN though- they can be very hard to spot-and are difficult to get diagosed - especially things like AS/ADHD (both of which can lead to biting children, often for sensory issues). My friend who has a child very like the one you describe here ( a few years ago I would have wondered if it was him!) started asking for assessments when he was 2. He was diagnosed age 6.

Original poster

benbon · 29/02/2008 22:31

im not being rude to yurt i have apologised and really do appreciate her help. as i said in a previous thread i never thought about how the other parent would feel, and its great for her to bring that to my attention.

OP posts:

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