Am I being unreasonable to not want to help parents?

[candyblue]

I have a rocky relationship with my parents and now that they have retired they are expecting help of myself and my siblings.

I was neglected from the age of 5.

All my baby teeth rotted due to not having a toothbrush.

I had to look after my younger brother when I was 10 and cooked for him whilst we would be left alone after school as parents would be at work.

My mum could of of taken a morning shift but chose not to for whatever reason.

We had to learn to cook for visitors and every time visitors came we would have to make them tea and prepare food. All this under 16.

When I misbehaved as kids do my mum would tell me she wished I died at birth.

We would be hit and verbally sworn at if we were naughty.

I was thrown out of home when I was 18, never once came too see me.

When I was raped at 20 and had a black eye my mum told me not to visit them as she didnt want other family members knowing or seeing my black eye.

When I was stranded in the US with an abusive partner the US police called my Dad and he hung up saying “I had made my choices in life”.
Even the US police officers were shocked.

My parents have not changed and show no remorse for how they abused me and my siblings.
They try and tell me what to do and how I should be living my life, they offer no practical advice and I find it very stressful dealing with them.

Their actions really affected me in later life, I really struggled but I am in a much better place now, but it hasnt been easy.

I dont even know why I still remain in contact with them.

I just cant help feeling bitter at the thought of helping them in their later years or feeling as if why should I help them?

Am I being unreasonable?

Op, with all due respect DO NOT help these people. Go low to no contact. They are a waste of space.

Go no contact with them, Op, they are vile.

So sorry that you went through this.

I dont even know why I still remain in contact with them.

No, I don’t either.

You are not being unreasonable. Please, please look after yourself and not them. Take care of yourself.

I dont even know why I still remain in contact with them.

You don't need to be, there is no rule that says you must. Nothing bad will befall you if you cut them out of your life, they don't deserve you. Cut them out and don't look back.

I honestly would walk away and not look back , these people have not been parents to you and don't deserve you .
You were neglected when you needed parents the most and you obviously feel guilt at the thought of leaving them to fend for themselves but they are adults and have to look after themselves.
Maybe if they apologised and accepted what they've done to you and your siblings you could look at things differently but until then I'd stay away .

I think that the appropriate thing to do when they ask for help is to say “you have made your choices” and to then go and watch Eastenders.

To use your dad's words back at him, they have made their choices in life and have to provide for themselves now too.
You have no obligation to them after such treatment, keep yourself safe from them.
I'm glad you are managing your life ok now despite the horrible start they gave you.
Stay well and look after yourself.

Bless you OP, you don’t even owe them headspace. Look after you, they certainly didn’t 💐

I wouldn't darken their doorstep nor pick up a call from either of them ever again op, leave them to rot.

Yep, they have totally made their choices and need to live with them!

I can’t imagine why you even talk to them at all.

If you are genuinely asking this question you need therapy and support because of course yanbu. Most people would not want contact with them at all. Whatever you are looking for from them, be it love or validation you will never get. Do yourself a favour and go nc.

Don’t help them, don’t explain why, don’t engage with them.

Please look into therapy for yourself. And don’t tell any relatives if you have therapy.

You hold all the cards now. Take back the power and step away.
There's very little help that can't be bought.

I agree with every one else. They do not deserve your support. Honestly just go no contact.
Good luck and look after yourself

Why are still in contact with them?

YANBU. Fuck 'em.

Walk away OP. Before they can even ask for help.

Maybe have a look at the stately homes thread. It helped me put some of my childhood in perspective and feel less guilty about keeping in contact with my dad and gran who made my childhood miserable. It is difficult thought and maybe you need some therapy to work through your traumatic childhood experiences.

My parents were fucking awful parents (think they viewed us as unpaid labour).

This carried on for as long as I kept in contact. Take, take, bloody take.

Now I am nc I kind of enjoy thinking of my mother cleaning her own house and cooking her own meals.

Thanks for all the kind words.

I just feel a bit lost sometimes and think to myself why do my own parents hate me so much?

I probably am better of going NC as any contact with them just stresses me out with my mum trying to tell me “she knows best and only says things for my benefit”.

I have never addressed the abuse ( my siblings have and they denied it ).

My siblings and myself have a WhatsApp group chat and we see each other when time allows.

The chats are mainly focused on our childhoods and them slagging of my parents. They all agree I had it the worst.
I was the only one thrown out of the home.

I just dont feel this helps me as it just brings back awful memories, going over the same thing.

You sound lovely for even thinking about it. Look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and the book 'toxic parents.' It's only the fact you're a decent person, despite them, that you're giving them headspace. Walk away with. Your head held high, knowing they don't deserve your time or effort.

Of course you'll come across people saying "but it's your mum!" because they didn't have parents that neglectful and can't understand that it ever happens. And the old chestnut, "you'll be sorry when they're gone". Well you might be, but mainly because they'll have gone without ever being a proper parent to you.

The most important thing to understand is this is not and can never have been your fault. Could you have bought your own toothbrush at the age of 5? Did you somehow deserve to be your siblings' carer whilst still a very young child yourself? Sadly some people, whilst fertile, just don't have what it takes to be loving parents, and it was your misfortune to have been born to a pair of 'em. Sounds like you did the best you could, and if you made poor choices later on (such as taking up with an abusive partner) their example can't have helped you make good ones!

I think it's good your siblings are on the same page as you though. It can be even harder if you're the only one in the family who remembers the bad bits.

Clearly few people can understand the emotional complexity of your primary caregivers, who were all you ever knew, being abusive. It isn't as black and white as an adult entering into an abusive relationship then realising this and getting out. When your abusers were also your theoretical protectors and nurturers during your most formative years it's so much more complex.

Most people are still in touch with their abusive parents. For those who are confused about this have a read here https://pandys.org/articles/2021/adult-survivors-continuing-relationships-with-abusive-family/#:~:text=Concern%20for%20other%20family%20members,to%20practice%20self%2Dcare%20too.

I hope you can get some professional support to proceed because they deserve nothing else from you. They've taken enough away.