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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is going to kill himself being a people pleaser.

28 replies

TwoOwlsAlive · 23/08/2023 19:41

Recently my husband's friend came over from Canada to get married in the UK. We arranged to meet them last week and drove up 2 hours to see them. My husband explained that this week he would be working a full 7 nights in a row, 10 hour shifts, and an hour each way to work. This he explained meant that we would probably miss the wedding so we gave them their wedding gifts than.
Today my husband came in from work, chilled out for a few hours and then went to bed as usual. Within an hour he was fully dressed and getting in the car. The Friend's mother and sister had landed in London and apparently no one had thought about how they would get to Birmingham... so he had called my husband.
Six and a half hours later, my husband runs through the door hands me a box of maple leaf cookies, told me "isn't it nice the guy gave him £100?" And then left for work, now half an hour late.
I am furious! My husband hasn't slept, hasn't eaten and has driven 8 hours in total and has another ten to work. Am I being unreasonable to say that I find this friend manipulate and selfish?

OP posts:
NoodleNuts · 23/08/2023 20:13

Your husband could have said no, sorry, and his mother and sister could have got a taxi or train to Birmingham.

OleMioSole · 23/08/2023 20:14

Surely the most logical thing to do would be hopping on a train?
They are idiots. Also only £100 I'd be seething.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/08/2023 20:14

Your husband needs to use his words and say no to requests like this. He’s not a child.

ButterCrackers · 23/08/2023 20:21

Couldn’t family and friends in Birmingham have gone to collect them? Your dh just needed to say sorry he has a ten hour work shift. They could also have got a train.

Justcallmebebes · 23/08/2023 20:23

I'm sure as a one off, he'll be fine. I think most of us have done a day's work after little to no sleep at least once in our lives

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 20:25

Your husband could have said no if he wanted to. He'll be fine.

User5512 · 23/08/2023 20:26

Why couldn’t your husband put them on the train ?

cocoloco117 · 23/08/2023 20:27

YANBU. Your husband works a 70hr week? Also weird friendship if they’re giving him token amounts of money for ferrying ppl around and he’s accepting? Quite insulting if you ask me like he’s hired help.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2023 20:29

I don't get this.

There are plenty of options of how to get to Birmingham from London. Train being the obvious one.

I don't get why he was even involved.

If I landed in let's say Paris, and had to get to Calais I wouldn't be calling my daughter to call her friend because they live in France. I'd just sort transport myself.

Or is that kind of the point? Everyone uses your husband completely because he says yes to everything, no matter how bizarre?

GerbilTrainerExtraordinaire2 · 23/08/2023 20:33

They should have organised their own transport or booked a hotel. This is your husbands fault however. He said yes.

cocoloco117 · 23/08/2023 20:37

arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2023 20:29

I don't get this.

There are plenty of options of how to get to Birmingham from London. Train being the obvious one.

I don't get why he was even involved.

If I landed in let's say Paris, and had to get to Calais I wouldn't be calling my daughter to call her friend because they live in France. I'd just sort transport myself.

Or is that kind of the point? Everyone uses your husband completely because he says yes to everything, no matter how bizarre?

Tbf a London airport to Birmingham probably involves 2 trains and a tube.

Good reason to set your phone to do not disturb mode when you go to bed.

LylaLee · 23/08/2023 20:39

Some people love to set themselves on fire to keep others warm.

Notamum12345577 · 23/08/2023 20:42

cocoloco117 · 23/08/2023 20:27

YANBU. Your husband works a 70hr week? Also weird friendship if they’re giving him token amounts of money for ferrying ppl around and he’s accepting? Quite insulting if you ask me like he’s hired help.

I work a 37 hour week, but when I am on night shifts I do 7 in a row, totalling 76.5 hours. But I also get a blocks of days off, so over the length of the roster it averages out at 37. A lot of shift work is like this, I’m guessing the OPs husband is similar.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/08/2023 20:43

If he won't do it, I'd ring up these friends and tell them what you've said here and how unfair it is to get your husband out of bed in the middle of the night to travel such long distances.

Otherwise he will be driving them all back to the airport again.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 20:45

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/08/2023 20:43

If he won't do it, I'd ring up these friends and tell them what you've said here and how unfair it is to get your husband out of bed in the middle of the night to travel such long distances.

Otherwise he will be driving them all back to the airport again.

Are you quite alright? This is a grown man we're talking about, not a four year old child. The op is not her husband's mother, FFS.

CalistoNoSolo · 23/08/2023 20:46

It's another thread where the husband is an idiot and the wife feels obliged to look after him as if he's a toddler with no autonomy.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/08/2023 20:47

He's a grown man who can't speak up for himself. Its preferable if he did, but Why not? People are always telling an OP to get their DH to speak to someone on their behalf. Whats good for the goose.
If she knows these people whats wrong with asking if they've made arrangements to get back to the airport?

Or just put up with it happening again.

RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus · 23/08/2023 20:47

What does your husband do? Is it safe for him to work with no sleep?
and will be be alert enough to drive the hour home after his shift? If he falls asleep or loses concentration it could be very serious. He needs to think about things like this.

WtfHormones · 23/08/2023 20:51

Could he be making it all up and he's actually just cheating on you. Sorry if I'm way off but I feel it wouldn't be Mumsnet if there wasn't at least one comment like this.

timberho · 23/08/2023 20:55

Presumably it's not really that great a friend if he wouldn't take a day off for their wedding? Seems like an odd dynamic to then do a big favour for?

Scienceadvisory · 23/08/2023 20:59

Well you and your husband have wasted the friend's money by pulling out of attending the wedding at short notice for a completely foreseeable reason so I guess this makes you equal in the cheeky fucker stakes.

Ghosttofu99 · 23/08/2023 21:01

That’s bonkers but bless his heart. These are the people that make the world go round.

itsmyp4rty · 23/08/2023 21:05

The friends are complete CF's and your husband is enabling them.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2023 21:11

Scienceadvisory · 23/08/2023 20:59

Well you and your husband have wasted the friend's money by pulling out of attending the wedding at short notice for a completely foreseeable reason so I guess this makes you equal in the cheeky fucker stakes.

Oh woah - I missed that. I had thought it was strange how it was worded in the op, but assumed the op meant it was a last minute very small wedding. Can you clarify op?

Jk987 · 23/08/2023 21:21

All this and you're not even going to the wedding? And you only declined the invite days before? It doesn't sound like he's that close to them but he is being walked over.

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