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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use this money to live beyond my means for a while?

44 replies

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 16:57

I'm a widow with a decent job, can comfortably cover all the bills with plenty of fun money. DC both live at home, adults working FT and paying some keep, although neither of them have yet found their "career" and don't earn much.

Because of a previous career where I earned a lot more, I have a very good pension that I can take in 7 years time. The defined benefit annual pension is about the same as my current salary.

There was an insurance payout from DH's work which I consider DC's money and will give them reasonable house deposits when I think they're ready

After a horrible couple of years I'm starting to enjoy life. I've had a policy of never saying no to an invitation and as a result seem to get more! So, I'm out all of most weekends and have already been away 4 times this year, four abroad with 2, possibly 2 more.to come. These are usually long weekends, fairly budget trips with a few friends, but it does add up.

I can cover most of it from my salary (because my fixed living costs are very low) but I'm finding some months I'm a couple of hundred pounds short and I'm taking it from savings. Savings DH and I saved for our retirement (he had very little pension provision of his own). It's a substantial sum and at the current rate of expenditure would last decades.

This is a good use of this money, right?

I've been a saver all my life and it feels wrong to fritter it rather than save for something big/important iyswim. I also feel (a bit) bad that it's money DC could probably use if I don't

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 23/08/2023 17:00

Have some fun, you know how short life can be. It's also not a good idea to support your adult children too much, a deposit is lovely, but more than that and life can seem too easy and you lose motivation.

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:00

I say for a while becuase I'm sure this social whirl will soon slow down and it feels important to make the most of it while it lasts.

Also life is short, as I known only too well.

OP posts:
frozencarlotta · 23/08/2023 17:01

There was an insurance payout from DH's work which I consider DC's money and will give them reasonable house deposits when I think they're ready

This is also money for you - if you need it to live, then there is no judgement

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:02

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/08/2023 17:00

Have some fun, you know how short life can be. It's also not a good idea to support your adult children too much, a deposit is lovely, but more than that and life can seem too easy and you lose motivation.

I actually had this conversation with friends at the weekend - that you don't help DC by helping them too much. Mine have lost their Dad though and one in particular isn't doing so well.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 23/08/2023 17:03

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to do. Life is short and you’ve been sensible, now you are doing what you can to build a new life and have some wonderful mementoes to replace not so nice ones.
only you know how it may impact your future, but you could talk to a financial advisor to see how much fun money could reasonable be used. Or set yourself a limit per year eg no more than interest earnt or a certain sum.
You sound like you are taking a balanced view and really are looking for ‘permission’ to have some fun and maybe stop being a widow and relabel yourself as a mature single woman.? If so, permission granted and have some fun.

Exasperatednow · 23/08/2023 17:03

Your life is big and important.

I think you know from your experience that putting your life off for a future date isn't a useful strategy.

So yes, it's a good use

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 23/08/2023 17:04

Maybe the child who is struggling won’t benefit from financial help - maybe they need support and counselling rather than a lump sum?

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:06

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 23/08/2023 17:04

Maybe the child who is struggling won’t benefit from financial help - maybe they need support and counselling rather than a lump sum?

They definitely need some counselling, but won't engage. That money is most definitely there for them if/when they are ready.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 23/08/2023 17:09

frozencarlotta · 23/08/2023 17:01

There was an insurance payout from DH's work which I consider DC's money and will give them reasonable house deposits when I think they're ready

This is also money for you - if you need it to live, then there is no judgement

I agree with this, I would be using this to pay off your mortgage if you have one. That's why you take out life insurance to take care of your spouse when you die who In turn takes care of the children.
It's for everyone involved not just the kids.

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:12

strawberry2017 · 23/08/2023 17:09

I agree with this, I would be using this to pay off your mortgage if you have one. That's why you take out life insurance to take care of your spouse when you die who In turn takes care of the children.
It's for everyone involved not just the kids.

Show quote history

Mortgage is long gone. I really was very prudent when I had the "big" job. I paid my bonus into the mortgage each year. I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd have to give it up burnt out.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 23/08/2023 17:12

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:06

They definitely need some counselling, but won't engage. That money is most definitely there for them if/when they are ready.

Show quote history

Then don’t feel guilty. You are there and willing to help when they are ready to engage with support.
meanwhile go and enjoy and live your life. Maybe you will be showing them that life does carry on and whilst devastating things happen, life changes and can be good again.

FictionalCharacter · 23/08/2023 17:17

Use your money! You’re reaping the benefits of your past wise financial decisions. And you have a substantial pension waiting for you when the time comes.

yikey · 23/08/2023 17:20

Spend it! You've done your time! Well earned. Enjoy :)

cestlavielife · 23/08/2023 17:20

Spend the payout
You can take a lumpsum from your pension in 7 years to give to dc
They can wait for that

Stratocumulus · 23/08/2023 17:30

My frame of mind has been to emotionally settle on a comfortable financial buffer in the bank/investments which will cover most eventualities of emergencies, helping a child etc & then spend the rest.

You know well that nobody promises us a tomorrow and shrouds don’t have pockets.
Go for it! Life’s not a rehearsal. Follow a dream of two. Stamp on the guilt, it’s a wasted emotion.

(Sorry too many cliches!)

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:45

DH was not a saver and I imposed this on him (although I did earn a lot of the money) by taking control of the finances or we'd have been broke no matter what we earned.

I feel bad that I'm spending it on fun when I didn't let him, although he'd say he was glad someone got him sorted and he did have his dream car for the last few years. I'm so glad I "weakened" and we splashed out on that.

OP posts:
almondflake · 23/08/2023 18:02

I think that you appear to have covered every base possible . You are comfortable, your children are sorted and you're not struggling to live so I'd really say go for it , travel, be frivolous and have a fantastic life.
Don't feel guilty for making your husband save because if he'd still been alive then you'd both benefit from your foresight and you'd be whooping it up together.
Do the things he would have wanted you to do enjoy life xx

Zezet · 23/08/2023 18:23

I find this so inspiring because so many people who have saved so well then struggles to make the switch to, you know, enjoying the fruit of their hard work. So well done you.

Helterskeltersunseeker · 23/08/2023 18:28

You don't want to be 80+ & be possibly in poor health & say, I wish that I had done X, Y, Z when I was younger

Life is for living now !

You are fortunate to have friends that you have been invited to share your weekends & holidays. Please enjoy these together

Please spend some of the money on yourself now

UsingChangeofName · 23/08/2023 18:38

I get your 'guilt' feeling.
It sounds like you were very much like me - living sensibly and making prudent financial decisions. It is very difficult to "treat" yourself without a little bit of guilt when that is what you have been doing for 4 decades.

However, you know, logically, that this is the time to enjoy treating yourself a little bit. You have the big things covered. You are still earning. You have a good pension. You have paid off your mortgage. You have money put by to help your dc when the time is right.
Importantly, you have your health and your energy at the moment.
Don't wait until you retire, or the dc have their homes, or ......... {whatever else you might be waiting for}, enjoy life whilst you are fit and well and have the energy and inclination to go to all these places.
I am sorry that you have lost your dh, and your dc have lost their Dad, and you, more than anyone must be aware that you never know what is round the corner, so I would definitely encourage you to take life and all opportunities with both hands now, even if it means a couple of months using some savings.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/08/2023 18:44

I voted YABU because you're considering not spending this money! As you say you know how precious life / health is so you must make the best of it. Your DC will receive the insurance money eventually so go and enjoy your life!

NalafromtheLionKing · 23/08/2023 18:53

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:45

DH was not a saver and I imposed this on him (although I did earn a lot of the money) by taking control of the finances or we'd have been broke no matter what we earned.

I feel bad that I'm spending it on fun when I didn't let him, although he'd say he was glad someone got him sorted and he did have his dream car for the last few years. I'm so glad I "weakened" and we splashed out on that.

Please stop feeling guilty and just enjoy your life. You are in a position to do so now because you did do the “big job” (likely stressful) and were financially prudent.

You have been kind enough to out aside money for the DC’s house deposits and your current spending will still mean the extra money lasts decades. Enjoy!

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 19:02

I've just ordered three pairs of sparkly sandals for a party on Saturday 😆

Obviously I can only wear one...

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 23/08/2023 19:05

I don't think you're living beyond your means at all.

I do think you are still living with being answerable to your beloved DH. How sweet that your relationship still lives on but you are reaching cusp of moving on.

I'm sure your DH wherever he is would be delighted and approving at this strong independent fun person you have become, you've got everything handled.

declutteringmymind · 23/08/2023 19:06

Also wear 2 sparkly shoes!!!! But if like all 3 then keep them. I'm sure they'll get used!