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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use this money to live beyond my means for a while?

44 replies

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 16:57

I'm a widow with a decent job, can comfortably cover all the bills with plenty of fun money. DC both live at home, adults working FT and paying some keep, although neither of them have yet found their "career" and don't earn much.

Because of a previous career where I earned a lot more, I have a very good pension that I can take in 7 years time. The defined benefit annual pension is about the same as my current salary.

There was an insurance payout from DH's work which I consider DC's money and will give them reasonable house deposits when I think they're ready

After a horrible couple of years I'm starting to enjoy life. I've had a policy of never saying no to an invitation and as a result seem to get more! So, I'm out all of most weekends and have already been away 4 times this year, four abroad with 2, possibly 2 more.to come. These are usually long weekends, fairly budget trips with a few friends, but it does add up.

I can cover most of it from my salary (because my fixed living costs are very low) but I'm finding some months I'm a couple of hundred pounds short and I'm taking it from savings. Savings DH and I saved for our retirement (he had very little pension provision of his own). It's a substantial sum and at the current rate of expenditure would last decades.

This is a good use of this money, right?

I've been a saver all my life and it feels wrong to fritter it rather than save for something big/important iyswim. I also feel (a bit) bad that it's money DC could probably use if I don't

OP posts:
HerMammy · 23/08/2023 19:22

What age are your DC? and how
long since you lost DH?
My DPs grandpa died last year with £10s of £1000s in the bank, lived like a miser, never went a holiday, had 60 yr old carpets, wore the same two outfits( all gifts left in a box and never used) so his saving brought him no joy,
You can't take it with you when you go, enjoy life!!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/08/2023 19:24

Go and enjoy your treats. It sounds like you deserve it xx

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 19:27

HerMammy · 23/08/2023 19:22

What age are your DC? and how
long since you lost DH?
My DPs grandpa died last year with £10s of £1000s in the bank, lived like a miser, never went a holiday, had 60 yr old carpets, wore the same two outfits( all gifts left in a box and never used) so his saving brought him no joy,
You can't take it with you when you go, enjoy life!!

20 & 22 , just over 2 years

OP posts:
Igmum · 23/08/2023 19:30

Have a little fritter, enjoy yourself and rock those glittery shoes 😁

Royalbloo · 23/08/2023 19:33

I've never felt more YANBU in my life - have fun!

BIossomtoes · 23/08/2023 19:35

My dad’s mantra, which I live by, was “Do it while you can”. Have the lovely times and buy the lovely things. Life’s over in the blink of an eye.

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 19:39

BIossomtoes · 23/08/2023 19:35

My dad’s mantra, which I live by, was “Do it while you can”. Have the lovely times and buy the lovely things. Life’s over in the blink of an eye.

Yes, I know, but if we'd done it all while we could when we we're younger, I'd be up shit creek now. So whilst I do obviously appreciate the sentiment, I can't altogether agree with it as a life principle.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 23/08/2023 19:41

It works when you reach a certain age or stage. I think you’re at that stage now.

Genevieva · 23/08/2023 19:43

Yes - it’s a great use of your money. I am sure your husband would be pleased. His untimely death is a little reminder to enjoy today.

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 23/08/2023 19:44

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:00

I say for a while becuase I'm sure this social whirl will soon slow down and it feels important to make the most of it while it lasts.

Also life is short, as I known only too well.

enjoy yourself 😊 you deserve it

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/08/2023 19:45

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 17:02

I actually had this conversation with friends at the weekend - that you don't help DC by helping them too much. Mine have lost their Dad though and one in particular isn't doing so well.

Show quote history

You can't replace their father with a slightly better car or by not buying sparkly shoes that'll make you smile, though.

Grumpy101 · 23/08/2023 19:46

There was an insurance payout from DH's work which I consider DC's money and will give them reasonable house deposits

I totally disagree with this approach. The money is for you, his wife, to make up for the fact that you are now a single income household.

Crmt · 23/08/2023 19:47

Go for it. Over saving is a bad habit that lots of people do. Life is for living and your DAB scheme and state pension eventually will be enough for you.

whathappenedtosummer23 · 23/08/2023 19:47

Grumpy101 · 23/08/2023 19:46

There was an insurance payout from DH's work which I consider DC's money and will give them reasonable house deposits

I totally disagree with this approach. The money is for you, his wife, to make up for the fact that you are now a single income household.

The money is yours not your children’s. They can have it when you’re gone.

tinkertots · 23/08/2023 19:48

I think this is certainly a good use and I hope you have a wonderful time!

Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 19:49

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/08/2023 19:45

You can't replace their father with a slightly better car or by not buying sparkly shoes that'll make you smile, though.

Edited
Show quote history

No that not at all what I was thinking.

But the damage done by the trauma of it all is affecting their lives and earning potential currently, so they might need some help getting on their feet.

It was a horrible traumatic illness and long painful death, right in the middle of covid. It's a long story but it's hard to exaggerate just how traumatic it was to go through that with the shockingly reduced level of care and not able to see your dying father or any of the friends or family who might have supported you, not even able to go to work or school for a change of scenery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 19:53

Grumpy101 · 23/08/2023 19:46

There was an insurance payout from DH's work which I consider DC's money and will give them reasonable house deposits

I totally disagree with this approach. The money is for you, his wife, to make up for the fact that you are now a single income household.

Maybe or to replace the money we would have been able to help them with if we'd continued as dual income. I don't need it anyway.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/08/2023 19:57

Pebblepaint · 23/08/2023 19:49

No that not at all what I was thinking.

But the damage done by the trauma of it all is affecting their lives and earning potential currently, so they might need some help getting on their feet.

It was a horrible traumatic illness and long painful death, right in the middle of covid. It's a long story but it's hard to exaggerate just how traumatic it was to go through that with the shockingly reduced level of care and not able to see your dying father or any of the friends or family who might have supported you, not even able to go to work or school for a change of scenery.

Show quote history

I didn't mean it unkindly, sorry - but none of what they have endured is fixed by money. It could ease with time and love, but doing without yourself out of guilt or sorrow for what happened and how it happened isn't helpful to any of you.

ResponsibleWalrus · 23/08/2023 20:00

Well having already lost your DH, I'm sure you appreciate the fragility of life more than most. It sounds like you have your own retirement costs sorted so get out and enjoy life with your savings now. My DH's grandma found a new lease of life a few years after being widowed in her 50s. She's in her mid-90s now and started a new life in central Chichester only a few years ago (moved from rural Wiltshire because she finally gave up driving and getting around was a pain). I find it amazing and I'm convinced it's because she's always had an active social life and never really slowed down into retirement. She's only become less mobile in the last year but she's still out and about with her rollator everyday seeing people or attending events. If she'd saved her money and stopped doing things out of worry, I don't think she'd still be here.

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