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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not visit her?

42 replies

HolidayPickle · 23/08/2023 14:48

I've name changed for this as the situation is outing and my DH knows my usual login. Some details have also been changed.

Last summer, my overseas friend visited the UK for a 3 week holiday. Her family lives in Kent a good 7 hours away from where I live. She let me know a couple of months in advance that she wouldn't be travelling anywhere once she got to the UK, but we were welcome to visit her. She's childless by choice, not that that matters.

At the time of her visit, I was 5 weeks pregnant and on an intensive driving course (booked the previous year) which I would pass towards the end of her visit. So for the most part I couldn't drive, I had a high needs 2.5 year old and was suffering with pretty awful morning sickness. We didn't go to see her and I think she was disappointed but didn't say as much.

She's now booked to come to the UK again to spend xmas/new year with her family. Again I get a message saying she's not travelling anywhere in the UK but we're welcome to go and see her.

Is it unreasonable of me, 7 hours away, with 2 young children and on maternity leave, to refuse to visit her again this year? We would have to pay to stay somewhere near her and then traipse back again shortly after to spend Christmas with my own family back home. So it wouldn't exactly be a lovely holiday for us.

I appreciate that she's come a long way and doesn't want to spend hours driving to visit everyone, but surely meeting us halfway would be reasonable? She refused to do this last time.

What is the best way forward here? I haven't replied to her yet. I do want to see her, she's a good friend of mine and she's never met my kids so that would be nice. But I can't do a 7 hour journey with a 4 year old and a 1 year old, yet alone afford all the stops and accommodation we'd have to book.

TLDR; friend visiting uk from abroad, won't travel to see anyone once here, expects us to visit her. AIBU not to bother if she won't meet halfway?

YABU - just go and see her, make a holiday of it!
YANBU - wtf why can't she meet up with you halfway?!

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 23/08/2023 14:57

So much drama over nothing. She's just letting you know she's in the UK and if you wanted to visit you can.

If you don't want to go then don't. She hasn't forced you or begged you or made it a big issue. She has lots of people to cram into a small window of time when she's back and she has made the decision ahead of time about what is reasonable for her to do.

I don't think her not having children really comes into it.

Butterflywings2 · 23/08/2023 14:58

I would say you don't have the free time, especially if its over Christmas/New Year and suggest you could maybe squeeze it in if she meets you half way. If she says no then at least it looks like you tried. If it were one of my friends, they would never expect me to drive that far with the kids in tow in the first place so she is BU. Has she actually said that she wants to see you?

TizerorFizz · 23/08/2023 15:00

Just face time to say hi and catch up.

Peony654 · 23/08/2023 15:04

I think you're making a big deal of this. She's told you her plans, she's allowed to chose what she wants to do, as are you. Just don't go - you don't have to justify it. Unnecessary to mention she doesn't have children - although it seems like you think less of her decision because she doesn't.

ManateeFair · 23/08/2023 15:05

She's not actually asking you to visit her, though. She's just letting you know that, on the off-chance that you wanted to see her, she'll be around. She is fully aware that you're seven hours' drive away from Kent and that is exactly why she's leaving the ball in your court - she's leaving it entirely up to you and will very obviously not be offended if you don't see her.

You're making a massive drama over a non-issue.

Mywingshurt · 23/08/2023 15:05

I'd just firmly say "It's too far for the kids to manage the journey. Let me know if you want to meet in the middle, it's still quite far for them but I'll make it work if you can."

Curseofthenation · 23/08/2023 15:06

Nah, there isn't a chance that I'd cart two small DC to Kent in your shoes. I'd offer to meet halfway again if you're happy to do that as it at least shows willingness.

HamishTheCamel · 23/08/2023 15:09

Neither of you are being unreasonable. It's just one of those situations when there's no perfect solution.

I guess the reason why she won't meet you halfway is that she's only here for a short time and has a lot of friends and family to catch up with. If she had to drive halfway to meet everyone, she'd spend her entire holiday driving around.

But it's also totally reasonable for you not to do a 14 hour round trip with small children just before Christmas.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 23/08/2023 15:13

"But I can't do a 7 hour journey with a 4 year old and a 1 year old, yet alone afford all the stops and accommodation we'd have to book."

Just tell her this 👆 Perfectly reasonable and valid reason.

Hungryfrogs23 · 23/08/2023 15:39

Where overseas does she live? (Don't need specifics but I think it makes a difference if she has hopped on a quick 2 hr flight from Europe or spent 2 days and 2 changes flying.
Either way, neither of you are unreasonable, she has stated what she feels able to commit to, you've stated what you feel able to commit to and unfortunately that isn't compatible with seeing each other.

Fraaahnces · 23/08/2023 15:41

Just send a message stating that it’s not financially possible for you to travel with the kids - especially at that time of year, and hope that she has a lovely visit.

Ilikewinter · 23/08/2023 15:45

Sounds like she feels obliged to tell you shes in the UK. If she really wanted to see you she'd drive to yours, or offer to meet half way. Id just send a breezy reply, thanks for letting me know, whilst it would be great to see you its a long trip to make with the kids...maybe next time?

BellaJuno · 23/08/2023 15:54

I agree with the other responses, just say it’s not possible financially or logistically to visit but happy to meet half way.

To be honest, I think it’s a bit rude of her to expect everyone to shoulder the expense and and effort to visit her when she’s the one who moved away. I appreciate she’ll have incurred expenses already to visit but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to do the donkey work to see her once she’s here.

Kitkatfiend31 · 23/08/2023 15:58

Suggest you both meet in London for a day without kids? If the train is doable for you?

katscamel · 23/08/2023 16:15

I'm in your friend's position. Live a long way overseas, back in the summer and at Xmas. I have friends all of the UK, some with children some without and always message to say I'm around and it would be great to catch up.
A lot of the time this isn't possible due to transport issues (I don't drive) or work/childcare/prior commitments..Its just one of those things.
I'm sure your friend doesn't expect you to go to all the trouble but just wants you to know she's thinking of you.
And as for why she can't meet half way...if not driving, Kent can be a nightmare to escape from and involves going via / through London to pretty much everywhere.

Dutch1e · 23/08/2023 16:26

I'd go alone and leave the kids home with DH for a couple of nights. It's nice to introduce your family to her but the friendship is the main point.

jotunn · 23/08/2023 16:32

Kitkatfiend31 · 23/08/2023 15:58

Suggest you both meet in London for a day without kids? If the train is doable for you?

I'd suggest this too if you can and you want to see her?

Jasperz · 23/08/2023 16:33

I don't know the dynamics of your friendship, or the personalities involved, but I'd see her message as informational. She's letting you know when she's in the country so you can potentially arrange to meet. Not an expectation that you'd travel especially.

I have friends who live abroad, and I know their visits home need to focus on family visits - and it can be stressful to fit everything in. But at the same time, I always feel a little deflated to find out they've been home without letting me know. If they let me (and other friends) know dates and locations like your friend does, meeting up is at least as option.

For my friends, it's not about putting anyone under pressure to meet up, but having options. Say, I happened to be in their area, I could suggest stopping by for a visit or we could meet up at a convenient location. In your case, if you happened to be planning a visit to London, you could potentially fit in some time together.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 16:34

Why can't you leave your kids with your husband and visit her by yourself?

NotMyDayJob · 23/08/2023 16:40

If she's seven hours away in Kent I hazard a guess your still 4/5 hours away from London and they're would still be a time and expense to get there (plus the two small children).

I think people saying you're making a drama are being a bit unfair. I suspect you'd like to see her and disappointed you can't but the reality is you don't have time, can't afford it and still have two small children. Just tell her it's a really shame you won't get to see her but you just can't make the journey.

GrumpyPanda · 23/08/2023 16:45

You lost me at the "She's childless by choice, not that that matters." If it doesn't matter, then why bring it up? Other than the attempt at a not-so-subtle dogwhistle that you hope will swing readers your way.

frozencarlotta · 23/08/2023 17:08

Send a message back, saying you're not travelling anywhere in the UK but she's welcome to go and see you.

(whoop for edit! had the wrong your!!)

TR888 · 23/08/2023 17:21

She's not asking you to go see her though, but telling you she'll be around. It's quite a big difference.

Also, have you considered she's sent the same message to all her UK friends? In other words, she might just be telling everyone what her plans are in case someone fancies driving over to see her. Some friends will be more local and might actually make plans to see her. She might actually not expect you to make all the way there at all, but feels she needs to let you know just in case.

I can't see how she's being cheeky here.

strawberry2017 · 23/08/2023 17:53

It takes 2 to make the effort and she's not willing to make the effort to come to you so don't feel guilty for not wanting to make the effort to see her.
Travelling with kids is hard enough not including costs so just be honest and say it doesn't work for us.

BodegaSushi · 23/08/2023 18:00

I agree with others that you don't have to go

Also don't agree with meeting halfway, if you're 7 hours away halfway is 3.5 so I wouldn't do that just to visit someone. It's a shame you're so far away from each other, but unless you plan trips where the plan is to stay with the other, I'd just never see my friend 😂