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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not visit her?

42 replies

HolidayPickle · 23/08/2023 14:48

I've name changed for this as the situation is outing and my DH knows my usual login. Some details have also been changed.

Last summer, my overseas friend visited the UK for a 3 week holiday. Her family lives in Kent a good 7 hours away from where I live. She let me know a couple of months in advance that she wouldn't be travelling anywhere once she got to the UK, but we were welcome to visit her. She's childless by choice, not that that matters.

At the time of her visit, I was 5 weeks pregnant and on an intensive driving course (booked the previous year) which I would pass towards the end of her visit. So for the most part I couldn't drive, I had a high needs 2.5 year old and was suffering with pretty awful morning sickness. We didn't go to see her and I think she was disappointed but didn't say as much.

She's now booked to come to the UK again to spend xmas/new year with her family. Again I get a message saying she's not travelling anywhere in the UK but we're welcome to go and see her.

Is it unreasonable of me, 7 hours away, with 2 young children and on maternity leave, to refuse to visit her again this year? We would have to pay to stay somewhere near her and then traipse back again shortly after to spend Christmas with my own family back home. So it wouldn't exactly be a lovely holiday for us.

I appreciate that she's come a long way and doesn't want to spend hours driving to visit everyone, but surely meeting us halfway would be reasonable? She refused to do this last time.

What is the best way forward here? I haven't replied to her yet. I do want to see her, she's a good friend of mine and she's never met my kids so that would be nice. But I can't do a 7 hour journey with a 4 year old and a 1 year old, yet alone afford all the stops and accommodation we'd have to book.

TLDR; friend visiting uk from abroad, won't travel to see anyone once here, expects us to visit her. AIBU not to bother if she won't meet halfway?

YABU - just go and see her, make a holiday of it!
YANBU - wtf why can't she meet up with you halfway?!

OP posts:

Original poster

HolidayPickle · 23/08/2023 18:26

Butterflywings2 · 23/08/2023 14:58

I would say you don't have the free time, especially if its over Christmas/New Year and suggest you could maybe squeeze it in if she meets you half way. If she says no then at least it looks like you tried. If it were one of my friends, they would never expect me to drive that far with the kids in tow in the first place so she is BU. Has she actually said that she wants to see you?

Edited

I think she just doesn't understand how difficult it'll be with two kids. She has said "I really hope you can make it down to see us, would be lovely to see you and meet kids" which implies she's not intending on any UK travel again.

OP posts:

Original poster

HolidayPickle · 23/08/2023 18:27

Peony654 · 23/08/2023 15:04

I think you're making a big deal of this. She's told you her plans, she's allowed to chose what she wants to do, as are you. Just don't go - you don't have to justify it. Unnecessary to mention she doesn't have children - although it seems like you think less of her decision because she doesn't.

I felt it was relevant to mention that she doesn't have children because I don't know anyone else who would think a 7 hour car journey with kids is a walk in the park...

OP posts:

DinnaeFashYersel · 23/08/2023 18:31

When you are 7 hours from Kent - London is still a very long way too. Not sure why this is being put forward as a solution.

LittleOwl153 · 23/08/2023 18:41

Could you not combine the trip with visiting your family? Tell her when you are with family and can you meet locally to there?

If not I'd not bother if you're not actually rhat fussed for seeing her.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 18:43

HolidayPickle · 23/08/2023 18:27

I felt it was relevant to mention that she doesn't have children because I don't know anyone else who would think a 7 hour car journey with kids is a walk in the park...

Show quote history

But you don't need to take your kids?

Leave them with your husband and go on your own.

EDIT: I know you said she wants to meet your kids, but just say it's impractical so you'll come alone.

SunsizOut · 23/08/2023 18:46

Could you go on your own and stay for a couple of nights if there is room for you?

Original poster

HolidayPickle · 23/08/2023 19:01

Hungryfrogs23 · 23/08/2023 15:39

Where overseas does she live? (Don't need specifics but I think it makes a difference if she has hopped on a quick 2 hr flight from Europe or spent 2 days and 2 changes flying.
Either way, neither of you are unreasonable, she has stated what she feels able to commit to, you've stated what you feel able to commit to and unfortunately that isn't compatible with seeing each other.

10hr flight away so quite a distance.

OP posts:

Pepperama · 23/08/2023 20:27

Assuming you want to see her: Can’t you travel alone and leave the kids with your other half / family? I’ve been in her situation and really couldn’t travel around as family only saw me for a few days a year and lots of people to catch up with. So when I was in the country, good friends made the effort to come when possible, which I was grateful for and meant we kept in touch over decades

ButterCrackers · 23/08/2023 20:36

Why isn’t she taking one or two days to travel to see you and family? What are her reasons? Depending on this see what you think about going to see her. I’d say at the best meet her half way for lunch with your baby if you’re bf. That’s already a near 8hour return journey for you. If she can’t be bothered (depending on her reasons) then why should you bother.

dammit88 · 23/08/2023 20:41

I would go without the kids. I think the friendship will run its course if you never see each other and given her time here is limited to see people it's reasonable for you to travel. But I understand the travelling is not much fun.

BMrs · 23/08/2023 21:31

I'd just say you're busy over Christmas with kids and family and suggest you meet half way and I'd ditch the kids if she agrees (as 3.5 hours is still a long way).

Although it kind of sounds like she's not overly bothered about meeting up and more just being polite saying she's over incase you hear about it. Either way I would be be driving all that way to see her, especially with two children

Original poster

HolidayPickle · 23/08/2023 22:58

dammit88 · 23/08/2023 20:41

I'm fairly confident the friendship would survive, at least on a superficial level; she's lived abroad for 10 years with her DH and I've known her almost 20 years. She has chosen to study and progress her career whereas I settled and had kids. Nothing wrong with either of those things, but it has reduced the amount of opportunities we have to chat so I thought she'd be more willing to negotiate a meeting.

I think on the basis of these replies I will offer a halfway meet up point again (which will still be 2 or more stops depending on how the kids cope) or nothing at all.

OP posts:

CherryMaDeara · 23/08/2023 23:10

She’s not even a very close friend, just an overseas friend.

A good friend wouldn’t mind expect this of you, it’s not like she’s travelled to the UK just to see you.

I think offering to meet halfway is a good compromise.

I wonder of she thinks because you’re a SAHM that you’re just at her beck and call.

Dutch1e · 23/08/2023 23:40

CherryMaDeara · 23/08/2023 23:10

She’s not even a very close friend, just an overseas friend.

A good friend wouldn’t mind expect this of you, it’s not like she’s travelled to the UK just to see you.

I think offering to meet halfway is a good compromise.

I wonder of she thinks because you’re a SAHM that you’re just at her beck and call.

That's pretty ungenerous.

Flying 5 - 10 timezones is much further than halfway between their two homes.

If OP can't make it, no problem. But unless you've lived that far away and know how knackering the long trips are you can't know what it's like when a dozen people ask you to 'meet them halfway.'

The friend has made a wise choice putting out an open invitation to the people who might be able to travel the (now relatively small) distance between them.

CherryMaDeara · 24/08/2023 03:04

Dutch1e · 23/08/2023 23:40

That's pretty ungenerous.

Flying 5 - 10 timezones is much further than halfway between their two homes.

If OP can't make it, no problem. But unless you've lived that far away and know how knackering the long trips are you can't know what it's like when a dozen people ask you to 'meet them halfway.'

The friend has made a wise choice putting out an open invitation to the people who might be able to travel the (now relatively small) distance between them.

Show quote history

I have lived that far away, but would never show friends and relatives I’m disappointed that they won’t drive 7 hours (or less) to visit me.

It’s fine to put out an open invitation but she needs to be gracious when people can’t make the trip down, it’s a lot of travel and expense.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 02/09/2023 02:38

I wouldn't. I'd tell her she is very welcome to come stay with you and your family for a night or two. She can meet the kids and you can have a nice cosy visit. Or not. Her choice.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/09/2023 03:55

I would offer halfway but go for an "attraction" that is 2.5 /3 hrs from you 4hr from her at most. . If she isnt up for that offer to schedule time for a video call with her.

I NEVER understand how people say "oh they dont have kids they dont get it". Decades before i had children i would offer to meet friends who had babies in their area at the time of their choosing because it was fairly obvious that babies are hard work and travel is hard. I do not believe this is any kind of "well kept secret" by parents.

My friend comes over from Australia and always travels to see me. I put her up we eat like kings and have a great time she gets thats still a lot of effort for me.

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